Safety Spotlight #3 – Energy Saving Tips

Today’s Safety Spotlight is perhaps the most important of them all – How to Save Energy and The Environment – Single Handed!

Introduction to The Environment
The environment is one of the most important issues currently facing the human race. The world’s turning, and we’re not learning. Long gone are the days where burning old tyres on National Trust property was considered acceptable, today it’s a taboo if you so much as drop a sweet wrapper. If we don’t recycle, reuse, save, and make everything out of that funny brown paper, the world will BURN (See Spotlight #1 for the dangers of BURN.)

What are the potential effects of this global warming?
Well, first of all, the seas will rise, putting huge amounts of land underwater. Great, you may think, my property will be worth more with a sea view. Well, think again. The dangers of loch ness monsters are too great to ignore. When Nessy is released from her Loch up in wee Bonny Scotland, she will run amok, destroying post offices and little church steeples all across the map.

I hate seafood, and I certainly hate the Scottish, so what can I do?
Excellent question, my young hippywan. There are many things we can do to save water, food, electricity, gas, paper, plastics, wood, and all sorts of materials, consumables, combustibles and carbuncles. The most important method is to switch it off when you’re not using it. Vibrating devices cause huge amounts of power loss, and it’s not too hard to find the switch, even when you’re desperate. Honestly, stop being lazy, or get a boyfriend.

Saving water.
We all need to save water, because when the sea levels rise, there will be a huge water shortage. Thames Water recently issued a hosepipe ban (again, ladies, stop it) across the whole of the South West of England, during one of the area’s worst flooding incidents for nearly 50 years. This is a bold and brave method to save water. Imagine if those residents decided they would water the lawn? Ignorance is not an excuse. Showers are the best method of saving water. If you really must have a bath, then fill the water and leave it for a period of three weeks. When the water becomes opaque, empty half, refill, and then use for two weeks, before doing a full water refresh. Also, when brewing up, never ever brew for your colleagues, just make enough water for yourself. They may not have a brew otherwise, and refusing to offer is one less cup of coffee that has damaged the environment.

What is my carbon footprint.
Your carbon footprint is the footprint you leave behind every time you step in carbon. This is very important, because Carbon is the root of all soil death in the United Kingdom. Carbon kills the ground you walk upon, which is potentially disastrous for the local wildlife. One pellet of carbon can choke a Kestrel in a matter of moments.

How can I cut down on my Carbon Footprint?
Well, the first thing to do is to cut your legs off and use stumps instead. Wood does not bond to Carbon and this is the most suitable solution to the problem. This will also remove any evidence as wooden pegs don’t leave footprints. Sherlock Holmes would not stand a chance. Cutting your carbon footprint to 0% in this manner is the most honourable thing to do, however, if you feel this is too drastic, then walk around wearing a pair of wooden Ski’s.

What are these funny coloured bins that I keep seeing? Is it the Council’s version of a disco?
Yes. The council have recently been involved in an initiative to brighten up the local area. One of the schemes they have been piloting is the village bins. These bins are distinctly painted to represent each member of The Village People. The black bin is the guy with the moustache, the yellow bin the construction worker, etc.

What do I put in each bin?
Here is a colour coded key for each kind of bin colour and which type of waste should be placed into it:

Black Bin – All your rubbish.
Yellow Bin – Bio waste, such as dead kittens and condoms.
Green Bin – Hide your stash of the herb in here.
Pink Bin – Wife sleeps here when she is out of order.
Brown Bin – For emergencies.

Please, follow these tips and save the environment.