Now you’re just being silly.

I’m a massive patriot of England, and the United Kingdom, and all this nation has achieved throughout history. It makes me smile therefore, when I see the great flag of this nation hang from every window, fly from every rooftop, and hang from the back of every car.

But even I have to admit that, in the rush to cash in on this world cup, it’s all starting to get a little bit silly.

I was walking home the other day when I noticed a B&Q truck unloading various items into, unsurprisingly, the B&Q warehouse. Picture this, B&Q are now doing a range of England themed wheelbarrows. I mean really, wheelbarrows. Why the fuck does anybody need a wheelbarrow painted like the England flag?

If you thought that was bad though, check this bad boy out (pictured). Yup, B&Q’s very own range of England garden gnomes. Have you ever, EVER seen anything quite as shocking as that before in your life? They’re not big and they’re not clever. The fact B&Q have released a press statement proclaiming the success of the gnome is rather worrying.

The worst thing however has to be the B&Q England Garden Gazebo. Spending  £40 on a world cup themed Gazebo is just outragous. What are you going too do with it after we loose, again? It’ll look silly in the garden, it won’t make any sense, it’ll stand out like a sore thumb, and it won’t be worth the effort it took to put the thing up or take it back down again because, knowing us, it’ll piss it down during all of our World Cup games.

The problem of course is that a lot of this stuff won’t be used again for the next four years, so not only has some random idiot bought any of these things, but in a few weeks time he’ll have to go back to B&Q to replace it, because otherwise he’ll look like a complete arse clown.

It would not surprise me, therefore, if B&Q are doing a whole range of England themed DIY tools and materials. Red and white “England” paint, wallpaper, powertools… If they’re mad enough to do it to a wheelbarrow, a gnome and a gazebo, it makes me fear what else I’ll find if I walk into Alan Titchmarsh’s World of Wonders. Infact I’d be quite surprised if they haven’t put an England shirt on that stupid cardboard cutout of him.

Next week should be interesting…

I‘m going to Birmingham this Wednesday to rub shoulders with “important” people at a conference, which on one level is the worst thing in the world, but on another might just be the greatest thing ever.

If you’ve never been to an event like this, you’re basically guaranteed two things; firstly, a plonker called Keith will tell every director, manager or person with power just how much he admires them, how lovely they look, and how much he loves working for them. Keith will then go into a waffle to anybody who will listen about what he’s done for the company this year in the vain hope that somebody will believe what he’s saying and give him a promotion.

Secondly, the directors and managers will give various presentations comprised of 40% jargon, 60% fabrication and 100% propaganda, to put across their company as the greatest thing since somebody took knife to loaf. The Keith’s of this world will lap this stuff up like a kitten would catnip, and stand up at the end clapping like the world depended on it. This two-way street of bullshit is a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time, as the people in the audience won’t retain what the higher-ups said, and the higher-ups won’t pay any attention to what the people who have attended said, except to observe them and their reactions to various things throughout the day and  then make unfair assessments that will go on their unofficial permanent record.

This is where it gets confusing, however. In order to survive in the company I have to follow Keith’s lead and kiss the ass of everyone with power who turns up; because If I don’t, this is observed as a lack of desire to progress within the company. If I don’t sell myself to the corporate system then I am considered expendable and an excuse will be found to expel me from the company.

So with this in mind, I’m bringing two innovations to this conference that I intend to sell to anybody who will listen. I’ve developed two rather impressive online systems that hopefully will catch some attention among those in “higher circles”, and with any luck, somebody will back it and I’ll end up in the next edition of the company propaganda magazine.

Why is that the greatest thing ever? Well, I happen to know that I’m being put forward for a pay rise next week too, and the decision will hinge on this conference. If I slip under the radar nobody will care if they refuse it. If I’m making waves in the water and getting praise from various people in the echelons of command, then they can’t refuse me. It wouldn’t look good for the company propaganda machine to refuse a pay rise for someone doing well.

Ultimately though I can’t help but avoid the fact that this makes me no better than Keith. I’m playing the corporate game to get ahead when I personally detest it, and that is possibly the worst thing of all.

Opera is music to my ears.

It pains me to admit this but, for the last couple of years, I have been using Internet Explorer as my main web browser. Since version 7, which shipped with Windows Vista, I have found Internet Explorer to actually be a capable web browser.

When it was first released with Vista, it was actually quite impressive, however, a worrying amount of time has passed since Vista went RTM (I really, really feel old) and, as Opera demonstrated to me this past week, Internet Explorer has fallen behind again.

There are three key things I look for in a browser, appearance, functionality, and speed. You may question appearance as something trivial that isn’t important, however, the web browser is the one application that is open on my screen more often than any other, by a mile. If I’m going to spend a fair chunk of my day with something, I want it to look good.

Internet Explorer delivered this, using the Windows Aero interface to great effect. FireFox has never really hit that mark for me, although it is functional, it’s a slow and fugly browser, and even though it’s skinnable, slapping a coat of paint over a dog turd is still a dog turd. Chrome is a quick and pretty browser, however it’s functionality is severely lacking. Internet Explorer was a nice middle ground between functionality, speed, and looking cool.

I was convinced to give Opera a second chance this past weekend, and I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised. I have used Opera as my main browser before, many years ago, and while it was a decent browser, at the time it wasn’t free, and wasn’t quite up to the level of FireFox at the time.

Opera today however, particularly this 10.60 beta version, hits all the spots perfectly. It’s interface is very pretty, using Aero glass to great effect, and making efficient use of space to create a logical interface that is very easy to navigate. The program is also skinnable, and various excellent skins exist including the “Z1-Glass” skin, which makes even better use of the Aero Glass interface and makes Opera possibly the prettiest browser I’ve ever used.

It’s not all eyecandy though. Opera is serious about speed, and this latest build has had it’s code streamlined so well that it outperforms Chrome by nearly 20%, making it offically the fastest browser available right now. It’s speed is really impressive, and you really do notice a difference compared to other browsers. With a small system footprint, quick page loads and excellent rendering, there are no complaints in this department either.

Finally functionality. Opera has always been a functional browser, innovating many of the features that FireFox is wrongly credited with introducing. Opera actually comes with more useful tools as standard than any other web browser, yet still manages to maintain a clean and minimalist interface. Some of the best features of the recent versions are the Sync feature, which allows you to keep your bookmarks, speed dials and settings across not only all your computers, but your handheld devices running Opera.

IRC chat is built in as standard, as is a spell checker, advert blocker, “Widgets” (Opera’s answer to Sidebar Gadgets, which stay open even after Opera is closed), a notepad, a fully fledged download manager, an e-mail client, and some impressive social networking tools.

In conclusion, Opera is most definitely a serious contender in the Browser Wars and anybody wanting to try something a little bit different, I urge to download Opera 10.6 and see for yourself just how good a browser this thing is.

Throw a chicken in the air, stick a deckchair up your nose…

“Why would I do that?” asked Martha, in a hushed and somewhat fearful tone. “Because if you don’t, I’ll fuck you six ways from Sunday!” responded Victor.

This then is the story of our constitution, arranged in chronological order. There is no reason for this to be analysed as any kind of food product other than that of it’s base constituants and assosiated offspring.

John has 3 bags of sweets. Dave has six bags. How many bags does Ranjit have? Fucking hundreds, fool, Ranjit owns the shop. And let that be a lesson to you.

Casual racism asside, there are important messages that you should take away from this experience here today. Always eat your veg, milk, cookies, and vitamins. Always say your prayers, and most importantly, never let Hulk Hogan move you to Monday Nights.

What? It’s not like anybody actually reads this stuff is it?