Hall of Fame

Welcome to the 2009 Class of the Awesome Hall of Fame. The HoF is here to honour the greatest and most brilliant minds to ever grace the pages of awesome. Those who have stood out among the rest to make me take notice and say, “Yes, the world might not be worse off without them, but it’d be a lot less awesome”. Without further ado, here are the 2009 inducties.

Unknown Kitchen Switch 

The switch above the light switch in the kitchen, that serves no obvious function. It sits above the light switch and is a lot harder to press than regular switches.

Upon flicking the switch, the user is rewarded with a satisfying red light bulb that is built into the switch illuminating. It’s function is still not clear. The light will remain illuminated until the user presses the switch again.

Answers on a postcard, please?

Alan Bradley 

Alan Bradley was a fictional character in the long-running British TV documentary Coronation Street. He developed a long and unatural obsession with the owner of The Kabin, Rita Fairclough.

For many years he chased Rita, until eventually he stole the deeds to her house and then remorgaged it in order to finance a small business selling cotton candy. Rita eventually discovered this deception, and Bradley tried to kill her.

Fleeing to Blackpool, Rita thought she had got away from Alan, when all of a sudden, he randomly appeared off Central Pier. (WILD ALAN BRADLEY APPEARED. <Pokemon Music>) – Rita ran away from Bradley across the tram tracks, and Bradley, forgetting that the green cross code applies to light railways, was hit by a Balloon Car, built by Brush Traction in Loughburough, where he died instantly.

Makoto Nagano, ”The Fisherman” 

Makoto Nagano is a famous fisherman in Japan. He has stared in the “SASUKE” or Ninja Warrior tournament in Japan on no less than 21 occasions, being one of the very few people to actually complete the entire challenge and reach the top of the very tall scaffolding. By day, Nagano-san fishes for fish in the river, catching big fish and small fish, and then eating the fish. I’m gonna eat you little fishie, I’m gonna eat you little fishie, I’M GONNA EAT YOU LITTLE FISHIEEEE, CAUSE I LIKE LITTLE FISHIEEEEEEESSS…..

Councillor Derek Antrobus 

Derek Antrobus has been a councillor in the district of Swinton and Pendlebury for many years. Often seen outside St. Marys Primary in the mid to late 1990′s, collecting his children from school, he also forefronted many changes in local policy, including the banning of snorting sugar candy on Swinton Precint, and placing a giant condom on Swinton Town Hall to celebrate safe sex week.

He bares an uncanny resemblance to Jerry Springer.

The Lunchbox on Bridge Street

The Lunchbox was a small transport cafe on Bridge Street. It served various hot and cold snacks, including sammiches and saussage barms. It served the community of Swinton & Pendlebury for nearly three decades.

In 2009, the lunchbox was set ablaze by vandles, who had purchased a bacon barm earlier that day. Running away from the scene with a trail of diarrhea following, the culprits where quickly caught on the Victoria Park public bogs. Unfortunately, the ‘box could not be saved, and now sits derelict awaiting demolision.

The Emerald Guard & Crew 

Count Takeshi, inducted below, required many various types of minion to carry out his evil deeds. The Emerald Guard, as they came to be known, are the front line defence against General Tani (Lee) and his crew of Happy Clappy Jappy Chappies, no doubt wearing nappies.

The most famous Emerald Guard include The Purple Porker, a fat sumo in a purple nappy, Pop & Corn, the “Rainbow Warriors”, who wore rainbow coloured gagools and bowler hats for no apparent reason. There was also The Cowardly Custard, Spud, a giant potato, The Gruesome Twosome in the Honeycomb Maze, “J” (also known as JoeJoe or ‘the gay one’), and of course, last but not least, Animal-san, the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth after myself.

Mighty The Armadillo 

Name the members of Team Chaotix. Vector Crocodile, Charmy Bee, and Espio the Chamilion. BUT WAIT, there is one more memeber of that dream team that has mysteriously gone missing….

If you’ve seen Mighty The Armadillo, not seen since 1994′s Sega 32X classic Knuckles Chaotix, then please call Crimestoppers on 0844 884 5159.

Any information you have on this individual may be important.

Notlob 

See: The Monty Python “parrot” sketch. No further information is required.

Okay, I guess I have to expand a bit. Notlob is the failed palindrome of Bolton. Notlob has a pet shop that is identical to another pet shop in Suburban London, with an identical shop keeper. They both sell dead parrots that have been nailed to the perch under the guise of “pining for the fijords”.

Notlob has a British Rail signalman who is constantly attacked by a bear, and a statue of Fred Dibnah, pictured left.

Ron Bin

Many years ago, while flicking through those “cool” science textbooks at school (you know, the ones that pretend to be trendy because they have bad drawings and poor puns), there was one peice of awesome that shall forever live in my mind. Ron Bin, ladies and gentleman, was a headless bodybuilder, who was placed on the page about muscles and tendons for absaloutely no desernable reason whatsoever. Unfortunately the origonal photo of Ron Bin is forever lost in the depths of St. Amrbowse Barlow’s chemestry lab, but the photo to the right is very much an accurate reproduction.

No Slacking

No Slacking is the often unsung third Chuckle Brother. Having appeared in nearly every episode of ChuckleVision, as the eponymously named “No Slacking”, his catchphrase is both subtle and unpredictable, in the phrase “You two, remember, No Slacking”. He also features in many of the Chuckle’s stage plays, including a recent one named ChuckleTrek, in which the three Chuckle Brothers (pictured) do a parody of Star Trek that somehow had a worse budget than the origonal. They really did use bunk beds for it.

Phillips CDi 

TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST. TOAST.

SORRY, YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH RUPEES, COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SOME, MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, MONEY.

I WONDER WHAT’S FOR DINNER?

Derek Achora 

I’m sensing something now Yevvie please, yes, yes……yes……aghagha……….YES. WHO………….WHO ARE YOU? I AM……… A LORD. I AM THE LORD OF THE CASTLE please. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN MY HOUSE please. WENCH please. YOU WENCH, YOU ARE A DIRTY WENCH, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT.

*starts booting Yevette Feilding randomly until she bleeds*

Derek also talks to dogs on Sky Real Lives during his spare time.

Mumsy, The Crystal Maze

Mumsy, the ever amazing mother of epic lord of the maze Richard O’Brian. She used to sit in the Medieval Zone, ready to quiz the contestants with such challenging triva as “If a train left Birmingham 10 minutes late, and arrived five minutes early, how late was it?” – yes folks, the mistress of trick questions. Apparently, she was dating somebody from the Futuristic Zone for quite a while, much to Richard’s dismay. Eventually Richard and Mumsy took off on a motorbike, leaving Ed-Tudar Pole to take the reigns.

The Smithy Gang

You’re sat in your castle, settling down at the round table for an epic feast, when all of a sudden, your DaVinci-painted Asbestos Plasterwork is destroyed by a giant sharp object hurtling towards you, cutting your table and roast duck clean in half, not to mention writing off the roast potatoes. YES, IT’S THE SMITHY GANG! A band of cut-throat desperados with one hell of a scary name, the Smithy Gang will destroy any enemy residence by dropping giant talking swords into them. They have other tricks up their sleeves too, such as making rooms infinately tall, the ability to devour entire video game characters whole at complete random, and something questionable involving Mushrooms. The gang is lead by PC Dale “Smithy” Smith from The Bill.

Johnny White

Not quite as famous as Jimmy, Johnny White was stood at a podium once, shouting about something important. He is seen here during his defining moment. He went on to become a filing clerk at Northern Rock. Johnny has had a sucsessful line of merchendice, including images with the tag phrases “ALL YOUR BASE”, “O RLY” and “DOCOTOR ROBOTNIK”. Okay. So he isn’t famous for anything. It’s one hell of a funny photo though, right?

Councillor Keith Whitmoore

Keith Whitmoore has been counciller of Moston for around 120 years, about 40 years longer than Moston’s current constiuancy has even existed. He is currently the chairman of the GMPTE (or GUMPTE, GITME, GMITA, GOATSEE, or Greater Manchester Passenger Transport Executive) – and appears on every single GMPTE publicity photo ever taken. From the launch of the new trams, to an article about a bus-shelter with built in bidet, Keith is there, ready to try out the new transport innovations first hand.

Timmy Mallet

Timmy began his career on Manchester’s Piccadilly Radio, and immediately became an annoying git. After being moved to BBC Radio 2, where he belonged, he soon ended up on Children’s TV presenting Wacaday, which was a disturbing show where Mallet would pound kids with his pink hammer, and show them his Cockatoo. Honestly. In the end, media obscurity lay ahead for Timmy, and after trying to sue West Ham United for selling hammer-shaped mascots, he appeared on I’m A Celebrity…. which nobody really watched. The people who did watch it immediately remebered how annoying the cunt is, and universally panned him. He’s now working in the Woking branch of Subway, hence the induction.

Station Master Winston

Winston, the station master at Salford Crescent railway station in Greater Manchester, has been station master for nearly 15 years. Employed by Nothern Rail, Winston is always there, day or night, guiding trains through this busy intersection. Often found sat in his office covering for the tanoy boy, who is stuck on the throne after eating a dodgy kebab, his voice his unmistakeable. “Bolton, Lostock, Kirkham and Wesham” all come off in a rather rastery accent that can’t fail to ammuse you. Don’t you try smoking on his station though, as you’ll soon be greeted by a loud “You bloody smoke on my station?! No smoking!” followed by a quick conviscation of your ticket. Winston, we salute you.

Count Takeshi

The lord of the Japanese, Count Takeshi is the count of a castle, fortified with giant games designed to bury the contestants and make himself look good. 100 brave Japanese warriors attempt to forge the games and defeat the count. Only a handful will make it to the very end, where they will face Takeshi himself. Takeshi will often just bury these people, walking all over them in a mere few moments, making himself look like the strongest, bravest person to walk the earth without much effort. A bit like Ultimate Warrior’s WWF run for that matter. For services to lazy booking, here’s to you Takeshi.

Rolf Harris

Can you tell what it is yet? Ah, Sir Rolf, why haven’t you been knighted yet? If you’re not treating sick animals at the local RSPCA, you’re painting questionable portraits of the Queen. Or at least a queen. I jest. Classics like Jake The Peg and Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport are memories that will last forever. Honestly, for services to entertainment, Rolf, here’s to you.
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Mark Wingett

Mark Wingett was born on January 1st 1961, and as such rounds up nicely with new year. His most famous, and indeed only noteable role is playing Jim Carver in The Bill. He also did the voice-over for American Chopper, for which he somehow lowers his voice several tones and adopts a Paul Senior style growl. He was in EastEnders breifly but left about as quickly as he walked in. His character in the bill was a bit of a failure to, on reflection. Alcoholism, gambling, and being abused by his wife. God knows why he’s in here.
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Kris Akabusi

Kriss Kezie Uche Chukwu Duru Akabusi is probably one of the most famous British athlete’s who went on to become a rather funny television presenter and motivational speaker. With a silly smile and a charm that’d swoon even a PE teacher, Kris’ most famous moment, apart from the ever fantastic Record Breakers, was appearing on You Bet alongside Craig Charles and fellow HoF’er Mark Wingett. At least it was in my eyes.

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PC Doyle

The fat bastard of Swinton police station, Doylie as he is known, is often found outside The Lunchbox on Bridge Street buying stacks of donuts and bacon sarnies. Known for his care in the community sessions at local schools, his photograph is currently found on billboards across Swinton promoting the local officers. Recently seen outside The Epic Danny Towers on Bolton Road following a car smash, the sight of Doyle twaddling down the road at some speed is enough to make you spit ou your coffee. Still, to look at doyles arrest count, you’ve got to be thankful that all these short-changing cafe owners are getting brought to book. I hope you folks appreciate how hard it was getting a photo of this guy.

Hello, Shamnah

The now infamous phrase of the owner of Shamnah’s Kebab and Curry House on Swinton Hall Road. Come rain or shine, the familiar Indian voice is there to greet you whenever you feel like a Chicken Tikka sandwich or a nice Vindaloo. Just be aware of the runs that occur afterwards.
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© V. Ryan

Ah, Vincent Ryan, the technology teacher. With such classics as Technology Student, a website that has existed since he first showed ti to me in 2002, is it any wonder this guy is in here? With an unhealthy obsession for marking everything with his copyright, up to and including his own wife, how can you fault him? Everything from test papers to his own pencil, it’s copyright, V. Ryan. For sho.