So, Bioshock 2 came out last Wednesday, and as I’m now on my second playthrough, I have to admit, this game is just as good as the origonal. The story is class, the character development still there, and the atmosphere and attention to detail in the underwater world is just, well, amazing.

So the single player portion delivers in buckets and spades. The gameplay upgrades feel natural and enhance the game from the previous title, and the new weapons and plasmids are pretty awesome.

Couple things wrong with the single player mode though; there seems to be a Gene Bank station on every wall;  and as such there are a lot of Gathers Gardens around too. One of the challenges of the first game IMO was coming across these things. There are also Ammo Bandito machines sprinkled liberally, moreso than the first game, where they weren’t very obvious at all. The Circus of Values were always all over the shop, so that’s no surprise though.

Health stations suffer from the same problem, actually. There are also aren’t a great deal of security cameras, auto-turrets or other electronic defences compared to Bioshock 1. Multi-part quests don’t even pop up until the very end of the game. When a box pops up to teach you a gameplay element during the final boss, you know it’s been underused.

Big Sisters on the other hand a goddamn hard and fun to fight. There’s nothing better than a nicely sculptured female body in a diving suit doing extreme parkour and using telekanisis to throw doors at you.

The multiplayer element, though, is not so good.  The fact that everyone essentially spawns in the same room at the start of the match, and subsequently respawns in the same room 90% of the time, means that the fighting generally concentrates in one small area, with large bits of map not very inhabited in smaller games.

This also means that this game is a camper’s dream. Just sit in the corner with your granade launcher, and wait as person after person appears in the same general area.

The idea of having to use research on bodies to do well in multiplayer battles, and the story driven level based gameplay, is actually a fresh idea that I like. But unfortunately the sides are let down by the core product.

The spawn points need spreading out. Like, srsly now.

But all in all, a brilliant game that I really can’t fault. A 9 out of 10.

Now, Sonic & Sega All Stars racing…. the demo for that game is pretty awesome. I’ll be picking that up next week too…. stay tuned.

The news that thousands upon thousands of a particular model, worldwide, can’t stop under certain circumstances is quite hilarious if it wasn’t so potentially dangerous. What ammuses me most about this, though, is the fact that this isn’t caused by a faulty brake disk, wire, cable or component – it’s a software error.

And the fix for this problem? Well, a firmware update, obviously.

A bug in computer software can be an annoyance. It might stop me from getting my spreadsheet into the boss on time, or stop me from getting to level 21 in a game, but for a software bug to stop me from being able to stop my car properly?

Of course, this particular firmware update requires the owner to return the car to the Toyota dealership. But what about the future, when people receive firmware updates to their car’s dash over the air?

Software controlling output on a screen is fine, but when it governs the physical interaction of the world, it needs to be right. Sure, things can fail mechanically, too, but traditionally, you need to be near someone’s car to cut their brake line.

The thought occurs that, one day, someone might find a way to send some kind of software modification to a model of car, and cause every single person’s brakes to fail simultaniously, or invert their steering or somesuch. And the idea that we might be closer to that day than we all think is frightning.

So next time you open a dodgy e-mail, look out for Pryus’ coming towards you. All might not be as it seems….

But I made it through such unusual circumstances and for that I have decided there must be a reason. So from this day forth my mission is to find my reason. Or somthing like that, anyway.

So to celebrate this momentus occasion, I’m going to look at my favourite threee awesome things that were born during the legendary year of 1988.

Red Dwarf…

The mining ship Red Dwarf, lost 3 million years into deep space, and was to become so popular that it won nearly 8 million viewers on BBC 2, a record held to this day. It’s recent comeback on Dave broke more ground, and earned the largest viewing share of any digital channel ever in the United Kingdom. But it all started 22 years ago….

Two writers by the names of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor had previously been writing for Canned Carrott, and had also been the main driving force behind Spitting Image for many years, writing the world-famous “chicken song”. They decided the time had come to collaborate on their own TV sitcom, and thus the concept of Red Dwarf was born.

Despite being rejected by nearly every TV company in the land, BBC Manchester decided to pick up the programme. And so two Mancunian writers, both of whom attended Eccles College like myself, in a Swinton pub I regularly drank in, wrote a series that was born in the same month, and aired in the same year as myself.

To say Red Dwarf and I have somthing of a close relationship is understatement. The fact is I fell in love with this show before I knew the facts of it’s production. Red Dwarf is to me one of the funniest programmes I’ve ever seen, and is as much an obsessive part of my life as railways, or subways, or anything else.

The British Rail Class 142…

My most  beloved, quirky, odd little train oh how I adore you. But the final set built entered service on this day, 22 years ago. 142 096 entered service with British Rail. Built from British Leyland bus parts, and serving the Swinton line I live near to this very day, the unit is still in service with Nothern Rail, allocated to Newton Heath.

It’s basically a bus attached to a cattle truck. It has no bogies, so you feel the bounce of every little dip and curve in the track. The seats are 1980’s British Leyland bus seats, and the temperature is either “very hot” or “very cold”. But yet I am in love. They have such a nice look, make such a great noise, squeel when you thrash them round a bend…

Most importantly they’re fun. I’d rather travel on this than anything else running on the network today. It brings back nostalga, memories of family trips out and loitering around tracksides with Tom Appleby as a kid spotting trains. It was a fun time, full of childhood wonder that stays with me to this very day.

Star Trek: The Next Generation….

TNG came to our fine shores in 1988 to start a whole new world of exploration. The British Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise took a role that would not only redefine a franchise for decades to come, but the lives of millions of people around the world.

And the effect this show had on me is no less profound than anything else I care to mention. It taught me to think, realise that problems had solutions, and that people of all races and backgrounds could co-operate and live peacefully. It tought me morality, science, humor, creative thinking. It taught me everything that makes me what I am.

Before I discovered this show I was a rebel and a tearaway. I’ve gone well off the rails again since in many ways, but fundamentally my spirit of exploring my country, and hopefully now I have a bit of money, the world,  came from Star Trek. Every time I do a kind act it comes down to what I learned from Star Trek. And everytime I do somthing evil I feel the need to throw myself in the Brig and throw things at that funky blue forcefeild.

Had I not discovered this show I don’t know what would have happened. But I know things would be different, and for that I’m forever greatful to Gene Roddenberry for the gift he gave us all.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the iPaper.

It’s a new, ultra-soft, lightweight toilet paper, that looks really pretty. It’s exactly the same as our larger rival’s silky-smooth bog-roll, you know, the one they released four years ago, except it looks a bit prettier. It also fits on less toilet roll holders than our competitors, and it’s kinda restricted to people with an arse the size of a cat’s, but don’t worry; the price tag won’t let you down!

The new iPaper retails for just $599USD, that’s nearly $598 more expensive than our nearest rival!

So, the new Apple iPad. I had the chance to see one of these things in the Apple store the other day, and I really had to restrain myself from kicking the nearest dog. Or Apple store regular.

For you see, the iPad isn’t a “new” or “revolutionary” idea either, folks. I appreciate that nobody who orgasms over these stupid things will listen to that, and they’ll just drink Steve Job’s kool-aid until it makes them giddy. Frankly they can do, there’s nothing wrong with the iPad as a product in theory. Infact, it’s very good. It’s stylish, functional, and it does the job it’s designed to do very well.

The problem is the fact that one, it’s mis-sold, and two, Applefans are going to find every Windows laptop owner in the land and wave their iPad in their face like a spack, not realising that Windows users have had tablets for years now.

As you can see, this Tablet PC here is exactly the same size as the Apple iPad. It’s about half the price of the iPad. And it actually runs a proper operating system, the full version of Windows, bells and whistles, rather than some limited iPhone interface derivative, that probably only exists so you can spend money on downloadables.

Oh, and it came out four years ago now.

I really want to know what this fucking revolution Captain Job’s is waffling on about actually is. I really don’t understand how you can just take existing technology, not even make it that much prettier than what’s already there (lets face it, the Tablet PC pictured is pretty sexy) – then just slap a stupendious price tag on it and watch the kids and middle aged people like Stephen Fry lap it up like Jelly Babies made from pure platinum.

Now, bets until one of these things sets someone on fire, anyone?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Twitter. Since I started “tweeting” I’ve been a bit of an addict; sure, some days I’m a bit too busy, but by and large I’m always grabbing my phone from my pocket and writing a random tweet. There is an element of vanity to it though, that’s the nature of the beast. That’s okay though, and for the most part, I find people do randomly like to see what you’re up to, and more importantly I like to see what other people are doing too. Facebook, MySpace, and whatever else are all variations on that theme.

Is it cool for celebrities to “tweet” each other constantly to try and look like “the shit”, though? No, not really. I can side with Ricky on this one; it does give Twitter a bad name, even though in principle it’s a fantastic social networking tool. It’s very light, simple, and serves the job of letting you share those things that aren’t big enough to blog about easily, quickly, and most importantly, on the go.

Unfortunately, as with any good thing, as soon as the mass-media-whoring celebs figure out that it’s “hip and trendy” (which is usually around about the time the shark is in mid-flight) – it starts to become retarded. I’m kinda sad that Twitter is heading in this direction. Stephen Fry for example, one of Twitter’s early adopters, among other early noteable “twitterites”, are I believe shunning it now, although I’m not entirely sure if they’re just jumping off one bandwagon and onto another.

Ricky Gervais for example, although don’t get me wrong, he is hilarious, is a walking, talking, douchebag hypocrite. He’s the sort of person who’ll denounce celebrity culture, even write an entire sitcom, that is cleverly written, on the subject, while at the same time aiming for the same goal he makes a career out of deploring. If you really hated the “Big Brother” culture, why would you pay Channel 4 XYZ sum of money to get it to appear in your sitcom to get people talking about it?

If you hate people who use Twitter to get themselves in the Spotlight, why are you rambling about Twitter in the mainstream press? The same reason?

The only conclusion I can come to is the same one I’ve always come to, mainstream celebrities are retarded. But I’m not going to stop using Twitter just because they think it’s “cool”, or “uncool”, in the same way I won’t stop watching TV or listening to the radio.

That, and it’s just too addictive.

Let me explain. I’m sure we’re all no doubt aware by now of the awful events that have occured in Haiti. It’s a sad occurence and a real tragedy for anyone involved and their loved ones, and of course, a lot of people do want to help with whatever donations and aid they can provide.

Enter Bungie, who immediately sounded the Public Relations Alarm, and came up with this rather clever way to milk tragedy to increase their public image;  any gamers who play Halo 3 or Halo 3: ODST on Xbox Live any time on Wednesday or Thursday will need to wear a “special emblem signifying [their] commitment to the cause.”  That special emblem is a red heart that can be added to the user’s player by visiting the “Appearance” menu. Bungie will donate $100 to the Red Cross for every 1,000 gamers that participate. Gamers need only to play one game to qualify.

Bungie will keep donating cash to the Red Cross, up to a total of $77,000.

Sorry, but fuck that.  There are several problems with this that piss me off right now, and the first one of those is the cap. Just donate the $77,000. No, instead, they’re using the tragedy in Haiti to get people talking about Halo, and play the game, despite already knowing what they’re going to donate.  Just like any good marketing campaign, they have a budget.

Now I don’t mind this sort of thing when done properly. Microsoft for example donate a few pence for every IM sent and recieved that contains a certain special emoticon, the IM emote. This is fine, because they don’t cap what they’re donating, and it’s ongoing for a charity that is an established organisation, regularly taking dontains.

This is a personal tragedy for millions, and the aid is needed urgently. There should be no need for this PR crap. Donate the $77,000. Sure, tell people you’ve donated it, but don’t use this event as a excuse to generate cheap fucking PR. It really boils my blood. I just know for a fact some fucker in a suit has sat down and said “Hey, we can use this disaster to get more people playing and up our image!”

I don’t play Halo anyway, but I think I’ve decided not to start. If you really want to help the people of Haiti, visit Google’s page at http://www.google.co.uk/relief/haitiearthquake/ instead.

A typical first bus maneuver. Thankfully, this wasn't my bus.

Driver change at Cheetham Hill Tesco, and the guy who took the wheel was, to say the bare minimum, a “rum cunt”. My primary reason for this judgement was the fact he walked like he had one leg bigger than the other and swore about 10 times in the 11 word conversation the two drivers had before driving off to continue the service. 

He managed to get as far as North Manchester General Hospital, which for anyone who knows the area isn’t very far at all, when we slid out of control down a tiny hill into one of those square white and yellow bollard and lampost. The windscreen shattered and the front of the bus sorta fell apart. 

Not ammused. Unfortunately, this would be the one day that I forget my phone, so I couldn’t take any TwitPics. You’ll just have to look at all the pictures of trams or me & Angela eating Subways instead. 

Oh, one thing I will say for Worst, their recovery truck arrived quicker than the Police did. Oh, and I wasn’t injured, before anyone asks, even the dodgy foot survived without any extra damage! 

Anyway, tumble dryer advice. Always buy Tumble Dryers in the afternoon when your feet have expanded. 

PS. Trying to get a new look and stuff on here, might even change the domain again as I suffer from major personality issues…….

The first thing to note about the TV series of Geordie Racer, is that it’s almost impossible to understand what any of the characters are bloody saying. Trying to decypher the random dialect of Geordie people is nearly impossible, so to save the embarassment of trying, we’ll just assume for the rest of this review that the programme is filmed in a forigen language, and subtitles are required to fully appreciate the plot.

Oh, and what a plot it is. Setting the scene of Geordie Racer, the townspeople are currently 50/50 split obsessed with one of two things, either, the Great North Run, or the Great Pigeon Race. Now the reason for this, I can only assume, is that half of Newcastle is stupid enough to run through the North of England, and the other half are stupid enough to try and get a pigeon to do it for them.

The main protagonist is named Spuggy Hilton, a name that has all sorts of dodgy connotations throughout the series, the many references to “Spuggy in his bird, like” – which is Geordie for “Kevin is with his pigeon” – well, the sexual inuendos speak for themselves really. Anyway, Spuggy is the only person in his family who takes an interest in the Pigeon race. The rest of his family are nutters obsessed with long distance marathon running, and the thought of “The Great North Run” is making them “spuggy” in their pants.

As a keen Pigeon fancier, Spuggy (or the Spugmiester as I shall now call him), manages to aquire a pigeon all of his own, named “Blue Flash” – one of the best birds in Newcastle. Then some random bitch called Janie turns up, and along with the Spugmiester witness a spate of local art robberies, (I know, it’s hard to figure out what the fuck is going on at this point). Just how Bonnie and Clyde here managed to witness several acts of people stealing paintings, and what that has to do with racing people OR pigeons, ugh, I don’t know anymore.

The fact they had to witness these people stealing paintings on THREE seperate occasions to cotton on to the fact they were stealing them speaks volumes.

So rather than call the police, like most sane people, they decide to go and spy on the crooks themselves, using their pigeon and other stupendously dangerous methods. This is such a good message to give out to kids, isn’t it? I really gave up trying to decypher the plot at this point so you’re just going to have to make up how this thing ends in your own head.

BUT WAIT, there was more to Geordie Racer than a bad television show. That’s right, there was GEORDIE RACER, THE GAME, FOR THE BBC MICROCOMPUTER.

The game was released on a 5 1/2 inch floppy disk, you know, the kind that actually flopped and took ten minutes to load, the video game version of Geordie Racer actually was kinda cool, but purely because it beat the endless handwriting and Italian lessions that my primary school forced upon us.

The BBC Microcomputer had the graphics of the old style Teletext, and this is pretty much what this game offers. After a very badly rendered title screen with one-bit rendition of the theme tune, players are treated to the main game, which consists of…. “Part 1″ and “Part 2″.

Comprehensive.

After selecting one of these, you can choose to go to a “Metro station”, which is funny, because Newcastle-upon-Tyne has no form of underground or overground tram system. It barely has bus routes. It’s also funny how this tram system conveniently has stations named “Home”, “Shoe Shop”, “Chemist”, “Bank”, etc. – I sure wish that the GMPTE would build me a tram system that only went to the places I went too!

After you visit the bank to get “£20″, the chemist to get “Foot Cream” and the “Shoe Shop” to get shoes, you can start the race. This involves answering questions, each one you get right progresses you 1 mile, each one you get wrong earns you a blister. Too many blisters and you’re out!

The questions are basically asking about things that happened in the TV show, so without watching it, you’re pretty stuffed to actually complete this game, and as such, I have now eaten the floppy disk.

Well, that was painful. Time to tally up.

Danny’s Retro Rating:

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT DUMB IDEA?

Anyway, ALON-ZEE, as the late, great 10th Doctor used to say. Sad that really, he was a very good Doctor and a very sexy man indeed. If I was a woman or a gay I’d have him in a heartbeat. The new kid, though, not so good. I mean he might be a very fine doctor indeed but, having looked at this new trailer, the size of his jaw is just highlighted by that stupid bow tie.

Still, a new year, a new decade even, so it’s somthing new to get used to. Another new thing to get used to is the new trams in Manchester City Centre. They’re very funky and ride like a baby’s freshly talc’d bottom. Smooth as. It’s like Johnson’s Baby Oil on rails.

Anyway, new year, time for some predicitions;

Danny’s Predicted Historical Events in 2010

• Manchester City might actually win something.
• Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.
• Woolworths will return to the high street.
• Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.
• Star Trek II will be properly announced.
• Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.
• Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.
• President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
• George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.
• GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.
• The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.
• David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.
• The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.
• Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

Danny’s Predicted People who will die in 2010

• Bruce Forsythe will die on live TV groping some 20 year old stunners breasts as he goes down.
• Gordon Brown commits suicide after loosing to the Tories.
• Fern Britton will die after being strung up by her ladyparts in some freak sex accident.
• Bear Grills will do an “Irwin” and be killed by a woodpecker, or other seemingly innocent animal.
• Yuji Naka will be flogged publically and killed if his input on Project Needlemouse results in lots of random unavoidable pits.
• PC Doyle will die of fat.
• Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.
• Elvis will return from the grave, only to be instantly killed in a freak yaughting accident.
• Kaz Hari of embarassment when, at E3 2010, he announces the price of the PlayStation 4.
• Takeshi Kitano in the same freak yaughting accident.
• Myself.