Money, it's a funny thing.

TODAY’S POST IS SPONSORED BY: REALLY SHIT GIF IMAGES INC.

And I’m quite short of it, but nevermind. It’s there to be spent right? Otherwise it just burns a hole in your pocket.

One more pay day before christmas, however, and as I get paid on the 15th, this gives me 10 days to do some panic christmas shopping. For those previously confused; there should be no shadow of a doubt by now that I am indeed a bloke with that statement, any bird would have had christmas shopping wrapped up in mid-July.

It’s funny stuff though, money. Take British Telecom, for example. They have loads of the stuff, but the only person in the whole of one particular village in Oxfordshire-Buckinghamshire to have the ability to recieve broadband just happens to be the Managing Director.

It’s too expensive to hook anyone else up, but Sir Michael Rake just happened to be 1cm closer to the exchange than everybody else and qualified. What a funny coincidence, huh? It certainly has nothing to do with the fact it’s unprofitable to hook everyone else in the village up, though.

Anyway, following on to today’s post’s money theme, I’m about to check the Bonus Ball number from this past saturday, to see if I’ve won the work draw. Exciting stuff people, this is live entertainment right ere’!

Okay, here I go, opening Google. Opening the website. Clicking on Lotto…….and…… fucking bastard. The bonus ball is 8, my first choice had it not been taken, as it’s my lucky number. I picked 18. Fuck fuck fuck. I really could use that £50.

It’s the inappropriate build-up to Christmas period….

Yep, it’s that really annoying time of year. You know, when the shops inappropriatly go Christmas crazy, but the leave’s have not even started falling off the trees yet.

There have been all sorts of remarkable things going on this year in Manchester. Oldham town market for example, already has a Santa’s grotto, and frankly I don’t think he’s licensed, either. I mean he was clearly eger.

Every supermarket has stacks of mince pies and selection boxes the moment you walk in the door of course, but nothing is quite so stupid as Morrisons own brand Mince Pies that have a use-by date way before the 25th of December. Now that just seems fucking strange if you ask me.

Of course plans are already afoot for putting the fecking Santa up on the Town Hall. I was supposed to be down there doing inspections this week but of course with David Cameron in town things have been put on the back burner. Still, it’s a new Santa this year apparently, which is always exciting isn’t it. Let’s just hope James May does not attach his caravan to it and attempt to fly off.

Back to the topic at hand though, stupid early christmas build-ups, B&Q is already pushing those stupid robotic Santa’s, and I think there’s one market town out towards Bury that already has it’s town lights up (wtf?). My favourite though, is the new gang in the area known as the ‘Movement for the Containment of Christmas’, who are randomly attacking stores that are selling christmas items too early.

So ruthless are the gang that three charity shops and a newsagent have been pranked called, and given stern warnings to stop selling the cards until mid-November. The trouble got out of hand, however, this past weekend when one member of the gang malicously and with intent stuck a message onto a shop window.

“This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st November. We will put superglue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill (the Mind shop got done on Sunday).” They’ve gone too far dammit, too far!

It's the inappropriate build-up to Christmas period….

Yep, it’s that really annoying time of year. You know, when the shops inappropriatly go Christmas crazy, but the leave’s have not even started falling off the trees yet.

There have been all sorts of remarkable things going on this year in Manchester. Oldham town market for example, already has a Santa’s grotto, and frankly I don’t think he’s licensed, either. I mean he was clearly eger.

Every supermarket has stacks of mince pies and selection boxes the moment you walk in the door of course, but nothing is quite so stupid as Morrisons own brand Mince Pies that have a use-by date way before the 25th of December. Now that just seems fucking strange if you ask me.

Of course plans are already afoot for putting the fecking Santa up on the Town Hall. I was supposed to be down there doing inspections this week but of course with David Cameron in town things have been put on the back burner. Still, it’s a new Santa this year apparently, which is always exciting isn’t it. Let’s just hope James May does not attach his caravan to it and attempt to fly off.

Back to the topic at hand though, stupid early christmas build-ups, B&Q is already pushing those stupid robotic Santa’s, and I think there’s one market town out towards Bury that already has it’s town lights up (wtf?). My favourite though, is the new gang in the area known as the ‘Movement for the Containment of Christmas’, who are randomly attacking stores that are selling christmas items too early.

So ruthless are the gang that three charity shops and a newsagent have been pranked called, and given stern warnings to stop selling the cards until mid-November. The trouble got out of hand, however, this past weekend when one member of the gang malicously and with intent stuck a message onto a shop window.

“This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st November. We will put superglue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill (the Mind shop got done on Sunday).” They’ve gone too far dammit, too far!

5 tricks to pull when you’re bored.

I’ve had a long and stressful week this week. Apart from all the overtime, we’ve had a lot of work and everyone back at the office is burned out, myself included. The one thing, though, you tend to learn while under pressure is how to release it, by playing stupid tricks, or at least, having the idea.

5) What goes up, must come down.
If you really want to wind somebody trying to do a site inspection right up, there’s no finer tool than this one. Take a full king-sized bed, and chuck it out of the first floor window, knocking down an entire scaffold in the process. No word of a lie, we had this one happen the other day. As stupid as it is, the funny side is there, if you ignore the potential deaths and huge stacks of paperwork it’s inflicted upon me. Oh, and for good measure, tell the inspector that he’s the cause of the problem, while the bodies are flailing around in the background.

4) Problem with the neighbours? Get some Japanese Knotweed.
Yup. As a semi-regular floater-rounder of the East Lancashire Railway, I sort of knew about Japanese Knotweed, and when a job came up this week that required us to remove a load of the stuff, I found out just how much I knew. The stuff grows practically anywhere, in three days give or take, and once it’s there, it’s impossible to get rid of, so much so it’s considered an invasive species in many countries, and as such the spread of it is illegal. So, why not plant a load of it in your neighbours garden, for six months of guaranteed stress?

3) Never tell the truth when a lie will do.
So when someone called me up with the wrong number, I pretended to be the person the required. I never in a million years thought it would work, but once I started, I sort of had to finish. Paula Finnagan, if you’re out there, a bloke called Joseph Branning will be attending your confrence on Wednesday at 9.00am, although sadly he’ll end up at a random address.

2) If you really want to confuse the office, put stickers everyware.
We have a big open plan office upstairs at our depot, and for some reason, it fell to me and a collegue to plaster “Switch off when not in use” stickers on the screens. I thought it would be a far better idea to stick “Switch off the light when not in use” ones on the screens, or stick them under the telephone handset, or my favourite, using “Danger, Asbestos” stickers instead.

1) When your collegue is being a tit, throw him in the skip.
If your collegue is being a bit of a prat, talking about his new corporate role, salary, company car, and just his general smug gittiness, it’s hard to keep nodding, so eventually you want to put a sock in it. Well, we went one better, and picked him up, square in his chair, carried him out to the skip area, and just plonked him the wood skip. Trust me when I say I’ve never felt so good in my entire life.