One of the many amazing web designers out there.

If you’re going to steal it, at least re-upload the images.
There’s very little point in hotlinking to the images of the site you stole the page from. It leads to two problems, firstly you’re going to light yourself up all over the victim’s referrer stats like a Christmas tree, so you’re going to get caught quite easily. Secondly, you’ve left your content in the hands of someone else. If you’re going to do this, don’t be surprised if you wake up to find that I’ve relocated my images and plastered photos of giant penises all over your website.

And while you’re at it, change the url’s in the menus.
Much like the first problem, this one also makes you stick out like a sore thumb. It’s also redirecting traffic back to me, so, apart from making you look like a douche, it actually lets all your visitors know you’re a thief. And a douche.

Oh, and the JS files. You really don’t want to hotlink my javascript.
Because much like the images, I’ll just change the location and bombard your users with dialogue boxes informing them of how retarded you are.

CSS files, you might want to make your own.
Hotlinking my CSS files is also a bad idea. Believe it or not, quite a few people have done this and all of the above, and they’ve all ended up with bright pink pages full of cocks, and messages informing their users that the webmaster is a child molesting baby murderer.

But if you’re smart enough to avoid all that, at least change the text.
Because copying my text not only hurts your search engine rankings, it makes it incredibly easy to find you. A good resource for finding stolen content is http://www.plagiarismchecker.com/ – if you’re a thief, why not bash in your website’s URL with your retarded sausage fingers and see how obvious you are?

But most importantly, if you’re going to get caught, admit it. Don’t blame your Indian web designer.

“Dear Daniel King, Sorry for any harm caused by this as this was not our intention and had instructed the Indian web designers not to use any copyright material but appears to have still have occurred. We understand that the copyright issue rest with us and is our fault for not keeping on top of this.”

Making statements like this isn’t going to get you off the hook.  In fact, this statement is amazing on so many levels. Apart from being blatantly racist, it’s also incredibly transparent and absurd. Why would you, a man who lives in Pontefract, hire somebody from India to design your website for you, when there are plenty of low-cost web designers right here on your own doorstep?  Since you’ve rather foolishly decided to develop your website in a live environment, however, the only hits that are relevant to points 1-4 must be yours and your Indian web designer, who also lives in pontefract. In your house, as a matter of fact. I can see why you hired him! He’s cheap and close by. You might want to fire him though, apart from being a bit crap, he’s rubbish at following instructions.

For the love of god, if you’re going to do this, at least don’t fuck it up.
I’m sick and tired of seeing people take my website and then replace the logo with some shitty MS paint text and dumping a load of clipart in the main body. If you’ve not got the skills to at least make my work look good, then please, stay the fuck away from it.

Alternatively, just ask me.
If you like my work, how about a revolutionary idea? Rather than just stealing everything, why don’t you ask me to design your site for you. I promise to beat the price of your nearest Indian web designer, even if he does live in the next room, and I might even let you use some stuff for free. I’m not an utter douchebag (well, I am but I’m an accommodating douchebag) – so I really wouldn’t have a problem helping you out if you just asked. I may say no depending on the request, but it’s common courtesy, and you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you’re not a complete and utter mongoloid.

Without a deadline, the human body seems to go into some kind of “chill-out” mode. Whereas my life before was wake up, shower, change, grab my lunch and quickly run to the train station for a full day’s work, I now wake up after midday, and don’t leave my bed until gone one.

There are other strange symptoms to this, too. For example, I find myself distracted by things which I would otherwise consider relatively trivial. Not content with reskinning the FileFront Forums completely, or creating threads like this, I caught myself trying to partition my hard drive so I could install Ubuntu onto my computer. I have no idea why I wanted to do this, because it’s a shockingly poor operating system these days that doesn’t work with a single device that I own, yet I nearly did it. I then moved onto trying to install Mac OS X. I figured this too much effort to do, so I then thought about installing Windows XP, so I could reskin it to look like Mac OS X.

I finally snapped out of it and did something useful, but for a moment I was nearly going to throw away an entire evening on something meaningless and stupid.

Despite all this free time, I also find myself even lazier than I was before. Rather than going out to the shops to restock when my fridge is empty and I feel hungry, I keep going back every 10 minutes or so to see if there’s an uneaten sausage that I’ve somehow missed. I then return to the living room to play more Fallout 3 before realising I am hungry again, and going for another look.

Ultimately though, isn’t this what holidays are all about? Relaxing? Being able to take your sweet old time about everything? Who cares that I’ll never get anything done, I’ll worry about that when I go back to work.

If you’ve never been to an event like this, you’re basically guaranteed two things; firstly, a plonker called Keith will tell every director, manager or person with power just how much he admires them, how lovely they look, and how much he loves working for them. Keith will then go into a waffle to anybody who will listen about what he’s done for the company this year in the vain hope that somebody will believe what he’s saying and give him a promotion.

Secondly, the directors and managers will give various presentations comprised of 40% jargon, 60% fabrication and 100% propaganda, to put across their company as the greatest thing since somebody took knife to loaf. The Keith’s of this world will lap this stuff up like a kitten would catnip, and stand up at the end clapping like the world depended on it. This two-way street of bullshit is a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time, as the people in the audience won’t retain what the higher-ups said, and the higher-ups won’t pay any attention to what the people who have attended said, except to observe them and their reactions to various things throughout the day and  then make unfair assessments that will go on their unofficial permanent record.

This is where it gets confusing, however. In order to survive in the company I have to follow Keith’s lead and kiss the ass of everyone with power who turns up; because If I don’t, this is observed as a lack of desire to progress within the company. If I don’t sell myself to the corporate system then I am considered expendable and an excuse will be found to expel me from the company.

So with this in mind, I’m bringing two innovations to this conference that I intend to sell to anybody who will listen. I’ve developed two rather impressive online systems that hopefully will catch some attention among those in “higher circles”, and with any luck, somebody will back it and I’ll end up in the next edition of the company propaganda magazine.

Why is that the greatest thing ever? Well, I happen to know that I’m being put forward for a pay rise next week too, and the decision will hinge on this conference. If I slip under the radar nobody will care if they refuse it. If I’m making waves in the water and getting praise from various people in the echelons of command, then they can’t refuse me. It wouldn’t look good for the company propaganda machine to refuse a pay rise for someone doing well.

Ultimately though I can’t help but avoid the fact that this makes me no better than Keith. I’m playing the corporate game to get ahead when I personally detest it, and that is possibly the worst thing of all.

And I’m quite short of it, but nevermind. It’s there to be spent right? Otherwise it just burns a hole in your pocket.

One more pay day before christmas, however, and as I get paid on the 15th, this gives me 10 days to do some panic christmas shopping. For those previously confused; there should be no shadow of a doubt by now that I am indeed a bloke with that statement, any bird would have had christmas shopping wrapped up in mid-July.

It’s funny stuff though, money. Take British Telecom, for example. They have loads of the stuff, but the only person in the whole of one particular village in Oxfordshire-Buckinghamshire to have the ability to recieve broadband just happens to be the Managing Director.

It’s too expensive to hook anyone else up, but Sir Michael Rake just happened to be 1cm closer to the exchange than everybody else and qualified. What a funny coincidence, huh? It certainly has nothing to do with the fact it’s unprofitable to hook everyone else in the village up, though.

Anyway, following on to today’s post’s money theme, I’m about to check the Bonus Ball number from this past saturday, to see if I’ve won the work draw. Exciting stuff people, this is live entertainment right ere’!

Okay, here I go, opening Google. Opening the website. Clicking on Lotto…….and…… fucking bastard. The bonus ball is 8, my first choice had it not been taken, as it’s my lucky number. I picked 18. Fuck fuck fuck. I really could use that £50.

And I’m quite short of it, but nevermind. It’s there to be spent right? Otherwise it just burns a hole in your pocket.

One more pay day before christmas, however, and as I get paid on the 15th, this gives me 10 days to do some panic christmas shopping. For those previously confused; there should be no shadow of a doubt by now that I am indeed a bloke with that statement, any bird would have had christmas shopping wrapped up in mid-July.

It’s funny stuff though, money. Take British Telecom, for example. They have loads of the stuff, but the only person in the whole of one particular village in Oxfordshire-Buckinghamshire to have the ability to recieve broadband just happens to be the Managing Director.

It’s too expensive to hook anyone else up, but Sir Michael Rake just happened to be 1cm closer to the exchange than everybody else and qualified. What a funny coincidence, huh? It certainly has nothing to do with the fact it’s unprofitable to hook everyone else in the village up, though.

Anyway, following on to today’s post’s money theme, I’m about to check the Bonus Ball number from this past saturday, to see if I’ve won the work draw. Exciting stuff people, this is live entertainment right ere’!

Okay, here I go, opening Google. Opening the website. Clicking on Lotto…….and…… fucking bastard. The bonus ball is 8, my first choice had it not been taken, as it’s my lucky number. I picked 18. Fuck fuck fuck. I really could use that £50.

Every supermarket has stacks of mince pies and selection boxes the moment you walk in the door of course, but nothing is quite so stupid as Morrisons own brand Mince Pies that have a use-by date way before the 25th of December. Now that just seems fucking strange if you ask me.

Of course plans are already afoot for putting the fecking Santa up on the Town Hall. I was supposed to be down there doing inspections this week but of course with David Cameron in town things have been put on the back burner. Still, it’s a new Santa this year apparently, which is always exciting isn’t it. Let’s just hope James May does not attach his caravan to it and attempt to fly off.

Back to the topic at hand though, stupid early christmas build-ups, B&Q is already pushing those stupid robotic Santa’s, and I think there’s one market town out towards Bury that already has it’s town lights up (wtf?). My favourite though, is the new gang in the area known as the ‘Movement for the Containment of Christmas’, who are randomly attacking stores that are selling christmas items too early.

So ruthless are the gang that three charity shops and a newsagent have been pranked called, and given stern warnings to stop selling the cards until mid-November. The trouble got out of hand, however, this past weekend when one member of the gang malicously and with intent stuck a message onto a shop window.

“This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st November. We will put superglue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill (the Mind shop got done on Sunday).” They’ve gone too far dammit, too far!

Every supermarket has stacks of mince pies and selection boxes the moment you walk in the door of course, but nothing is quite so stupid as Morrisons own brand Mince Pies that have a use-by date way before the 25th of December. Now that just seems fucking strange if you ask me.

Of course plans are already afoot for putting the fecking Santa up on the Town Hall. I was supposed to be down there doing inspections this week but of course with David Cameron in town things have been put on the back burner. Still, it’s a new Santa this year apparently, which is always exciting isn’t it. Let’s just hope James May does not attach his caravan to it and attempt to fly off.

Back to the topic at hand though, stupid early christmas build-ups, B&Q is already pushing those stupid robotic Santa’s, and I think there’s one market town out towards Bury that already has it’s town lights up (wtf?). My favourite though, is the new gang in the area known as the ‘Movement for the Containment of Christmas’, who are randomly attacking stores that are selling christmas items too early.

So ruthless are the gang that three charity shops and a newsagent have been pranked called, and given stern warnings to stop selling the cards until mid-November. The trouble got out of hand, however, this past weekend when one member of the gang malicously and with intent stuck a message onto a shop window.

“This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st November. We will put superglue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill (the Mind shop got done on Sunday).” They’ve gone too far dammit, too far!

5) What goes up, must come down.
If you really want to wind somebody trying to do a site inspection right up, there’s no finer tool than this one. Take a full king-sized bed, and chuck it out of the first floor window, knocking down an entire scaffold in the process. No word of a lie, we had this one happen the other day. As stupid as it is, the funny side is there, if you ignore the potential deaths and huge stacks of paperwork it’s inflicted upon me. Oh, and for good measure, tell the inspector that he’s the cause of the problem, while the bodies are flailing around in the background.

4) Problem with the neighbours? Get some Japanese Knotweed.
Yup. As a semi-regular floater-rounder of the East Lancashire Railway, I sort of knew about Japanese Knotweed, and when a job came up this week that required us to remove a load of the stuff, I found out just how much I knew. The stuff grows practically anywhere, in three days give or take, and once it’s there, it’s impossible to get rid of, so much so it’s considered an invasive species in many countries, and as such the spread of it is illegal. So, why not plant a load of it in your neighbours garden, for six months of guaranteed stress?

3) Never tell the truth when a lie will do.
So when someone called me up with the wrong number, I pretended to be the person the required. I never in a million years thought it would work, but once I started, I sort of had to finish. Paula Finnagan, if you’re out there, a bloke called Joseph Branning will be attending your confrence on Wednesday at 9.00am, although sadly he’ll end up at a random address.

2) If you really want to confuse the office, put stickers everyware.
We have a big open plan office upstairs at our depot, and for some reason, it fell to me and a collegue to plaster “Switch off when not in use” stickers on the screens. I thought it would be a far better idea to stick “Switch off the light when not in use” ones on the screens, or stick them under the telephone handset, or my favourite, using “Danger, Asbestos” stickers instead.

1) When your collegue is being a tit, throw him in the skip.
If your collegue is being a bit of a prat, talking about his new corporate role, salary, company car, and just his general smug gittiness, it’s hard to keep nodding, so eventually you want to put a sock in it. Well, we went one better, and picked him up, square in his chair, carried him out to the skip area, and just plonked him the wood skip. Trust me when I say I’ve never felt so good in my entire life.

5) What goes up, must come down.
If you really want to wind somebody trying to do a site inspection right up, there’s no finer tool than this one. Take a full king-sized bed, and chuck it out of the first floor window, knocking down an entire scaffold in the process. No word of a lie, we had this one happen the other day. As stupid as it is, the funny side is there, if you ignore the potential deaths and huge stacks of paperwork it’s inflicted upon me. Oh, and for good measure, tell the inspector that he’s the cause of the problem, while the bodies are flailing around in the background.

4) Problem with the neighbours? Get some Japanese Knotweed.
Yup. As a semi-regular floater-rounder of the East Lancashire Railway, I sort of knew about Japanese Knotweed, and when a job came up this week that required us to remove a load of the stuff, I found out just how much I knew. The stuff grows practically anywhere, in three days give or take, and once it’s there, it’s impossible to get rid of, so much so it’s considered an invasive species in many countries, and as such the spread of it is illegal. So, why not plant a load of it in your neighbours garden, for six months of guaranteed stress?

3) Never tell the truth when a lie will do.
So when someone called me up with the wrong number, I pretended to be the person the required. I never in a million years thought it would work, but once I started, I sort of had to finish. Paula Finnagan, if you’re out there, a bloke called Joseph Branning will be attending your confrence on Wednesday at 9.00am, although sadly he’ll end up at a random address.

2) If you really want to confuse the office, put stickers everyware.
We have a big open plan office upstairs at our depot, and for some reason, it fell to me and a collegue to plaster “Switch off when not in use” stickers on the screens. I thought it would be a far better idea to stick “Switch off the light when not in use” ones on the screens, or stick them under the telephone handset, or my favourite, using “Danger, Asbestos” stickers instead.

1) When your collegue is being a tit, throw him in the skip.
If your collegue is being a bit of a prat, talking about his new corporate role, salary, company car, and just his general smug gittiness, it’s hard to keep nodding, so eventually you want to put a sock in it. Well, we went one better, and picked him up, square in his chair, carried him out to the skip area, and just plonked him the wood skip. Trust me when I say I’ve never felt so good in my entire life.

I have a bet with Angela now. We’ve made The Apprentice predictions, and the looser has to buy the winner a Subway. Yes. It’s personal when Subway comes into it. So, I’m sticking with James and Kate in the final, with James going on to win it. She’s gone for Yasmina and Lorraine, with Yasmina to win…..

Secretly I’m hoping Debra might win and make it a stalemate, so I get out of the fact she’ll buy anything that isn’t the Sub of the Day AND make it double cheese.

.

Anyway, while I have ya’lls attention, I think I might just point out a humorous thing I’ve noticed with Windows Mobile 6.5, of which a copy somehow found it’s way onto my phone;

Yup. It’s a blatant iPhone rip-off. I really don’t see the point in this. I like the sliding lock and think it looks neat, but the fact is it’s stolen. Why Microsoft think moving it to the center top of the screen makes the idea “unique”, I don’t know. They seem to think we won’t notice their source of inspiration or something.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to support Apple, no no, they’re still far too expensive and, as such, are suitable only for hippies with drug issues. The point is, that even a Mushroom-crazed Volkswagen Van owner has the right to his or her copyright. Dammit Microsoft, start leading rather than following.