Without a deadline, the human body seems to go into some kind of “chill-out” mode. Whereas my life before was wake up, shower, change, grab my lunch and quickly run to the train station for a full day’s work, I now wake up after midday, and don’t leave my bed until gone one.

There are other strange symptoms to this, too. For example, I find myself distracted by things which I would otherwise consider relatively trivial. Not content with reskinning the FileFront Forums completely, or creating threads like this, I caught myself trying to partition my hard drive so I could install Ubuntu onto my computer. I have no idea why I wanted to do this, because it’s a shockingly poor operating system these days that doesn’t work with a single device that I own, yet I nearly did it. I then moved onto trying to install Mac OS X. I figured this too much effort to do, so I then thought about installing Windows XP, so I could reskin it to look like Mac OS X.

I finally snapped out of it and did something useful, but for a moment I was nearly going to throw away an entire evening on something meaningless and stupid.

Despite all this free time, I also find myself even lazier than I was before. Rather than going out to the shops to restock when my fridge is empty and I feel hungry, I keep going back every 10 minutes or so to see if there’s an uneaten sausage that I’ve somehow missed. I then return to the living room to play more Fallout 3 before realising I am hungry again, and going for another look.

Ultimately though, isn’t this what holidays are all about? Relaxing? Being able to take your sweet old time about everything? Who cares that I’ll never get anything done, I’ll worry about that when I go back to work.

Branson Troll Face.

When we decided to go with Virgin for our telephone and internet connection, we thought it looked like a good deal.  I was hesitant for quite a while but the cost compared to other providers combined with a landline, phone service etc. was pretty good, plus they could install it quickly, and “going fibre” sounded like a good move.

So now we have a crackly phone line that won’t stop ringing random numbers on it’s own, an internet connection that constantly drops out, and I have to leave work early so an engineer can come and do nothing about the problem – otherwise they’ll charge me £10.

It’s funny really because my friend at work had – and still has – the exact same issue with his Virgin line. I should have listened to him and stayed clear, but for some reason I assumed his problems must have been a one-off. The chances of me experiencing the same problem were slim, right?

They are comics, but I'm not really laughing.

Skip foward to today. The engineer has been round, and disconnected our telephone line, because the cable was shorting out under the ground and causing the phone to dial out random numbers. He said someone would be round to “repull” the cable, but didn’t give a date or time, and nobody has rang to give me a date or time – probably because they can’t – we have no phone. The internet is still on but patchy at best, the modem requires a reset two or three times a day.

Yesterday Virgin decided to bill us for the pleasure of this. £78, of which, £54 is call charges for calls that lasted less than 50 seconds. I don’t make calls that last less than 50 seconds, infact I don’t often make calls off the landline at all. My theory? The phone has been dialing out to random people and we’re being charged for it.

Virgin Media have been a complete and total fuckup from day 1. If anyone is considering going with Virgin Media I strongly suggest you treat them like Asbestos and stay clear.

I’m about to ring them back to try and get the problems resolved. Ultimately I’m about to speek to Pooja Bhuttar in Mumbai, who will fail to do anything useful for me except baffle me with his strange accent. I’m not racist, I’ve got nothing agaisnt the fella, but he won’t be able to do anything  from there.

……Going to Sky as soon as we can get out of this contract. Murdoch, all is forgiven.

There’s so much catching up to do now, it’s going to take me a few days, but rest assured I’ll have all my Twitter, Facebook, websites and YouTubes all up-to-date in the coming days, weeks, months, or whatever.

So, what’s new? Well, I’ve completed Bioshock 2, which was the last thing I blogged about, a few times over. Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing has been and gone too, which was a very fun game. Perfect Dark came out for Xbox Live, that’s an awesome game, and I’m currently playing through it along with Dante’s Inferno, which is another pretty awesome title.

Work-wise, well, its very busy. Mobilising to new areas, end of year reports, external audits, its been busy and this is primarilly the source of my missingness in the last few weeks. I’m glad to be having this Easter weekend off to actually get some time away from it all and do stuff like this, or chill out, or go for a beer.

Ah, there’s such a huge list of things to go through that I didn’t blog about at the time, its hard work right now. Maybe these things will just have to go unblogged. Never will we read about the exciting streets of broadway, Sonic 4, my various railway adventures to parts of the country, winning half a months wages in the bookies, a certain girl getting locked out of the office for a whole day, that chicken sandwich I ate, or Dawson missing WrestleMania because his phone was stolen. Perhaps some things are best left buried.

Nah. I’ll write about these things and more shortly. In the meantime, stay safe, be cool, and don’t forget, the rain falls up in Australia.

Oh yeah, the new Doctor Who that was on today is awesome. Matt Smith is a great Doctor. This brings that very old post about him I wrote ages ago full-circle or somesuch, the one where I buried him for no justifyable reason. Sorry Matt, all is forgiven.

But I made it through such unusual circumstances and for that I have decided there must be a reason. So from this day forth my mission is to find my reason. Or somthing like that, anyway.

So to celebrate this momentus occasion, I’m going to look at my favourite threee awesome things that were born during the legendary year of 1988.

Red Dwarf…

The mining ship Red Dwarf, lost 3 million years into deep space, and was to become so popular that it won nearly 8 million viewers on BBC 2, a record held to this day. It’s recent comeback on Dave broke more ground, and earned the largest viewing share of any digital channel ever in the United Kingdom. But it all started 22 years ago….

Two writers by the names of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor had previously been writing for Canned Carrott, and had also been the main driving force behind Spitting Image for many years, writing the world-famous “chicken song”. They decided the time had come to collaborate on their own TV sitcom, and thus the concept of Red Dwarf was born.

Despite being rejected by nearly every TV company in the land, BBC Manchester decided to pick up the programme. And so two Mancunian writers, both of whom attended Eccles College like myself, in a Swinton pub I regularly drank in, wrote a series that was born in the same month, and aired in the same year as myself.

To say Red Dwarf and I have somthing of a close relationship is understatement. The fact is I fell in love with this show before I knew the facts of it’s production. Red Dwarf is to me one of the funniest programmes I’ve ever seen, and is as much an obsessive part of my life as railways, or subways, or anything else.

The British Rail Class 142…

My most  beloved, quirky, odd little train oh how I adore you. But the final set built entered service on this day, 22 years ago. 142 096 entered service with British Rail. Built from British Leyland bus parts, and serving the Swinton line I live near to this very day, the unit is still in service with Nothern Rail, allocated to Newton Heath.

It’s basically a bus attached to a cattle truck. It has no bogies, so you feel the bounce of every little dip and curve in the track. The seats are 1980′s British Leyland bus seats, and the temperature is either “very hot” or “very cold”. But yet I am in love. They have such a nice look, make such a great noise, squeel when you thrash them round a bend…

Most importantly they’re fun. I’d rather travel on this than anything else running on the network today. It brings back nostalga, memories of family trips out and loitering around tracksides with Tom Appleby as a kid spotting trains. It was a fun time, full of childhood wonder that stays with me to this very day.

Star Trek: The Next Generation….

TNG came to our fine shores in 1988 to start a whole new world of exploration. The British Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise took a role that would not only redefine a franchise for decades to come, but the lives of millions of people around the world.

And the effect this show had on me is no less profound than anything else I care to mention. It taught me to think, realise that problems had solutions, and that people of all races and backgrounds could co-operate and live peacefully. It tought me morality, science, humor, creative thinking. It taught me everything that makes me what I am.

Before I discovered this show I was a rebel and a tearaway. I’ve gone well off the rails again since in many ways, but fundamentally my spirit of exploring my country, and hopefully now I have a bit of money, the world,  came from Star Trek. Every time I do a kind act it comes down to what I learned from Star Trek. And everytime I do somthing evil I feel the need to throw myself in the Brig and throw things at that funky blue forcefeild.

Had I not discovered this show I don’t know what would have happened. But I know things would be different, and for that I’m forever greatful to Gene Roddenberry for the gift he gave us all.

A typical first bus maneuver. Thankfully, this wasn't my bus.

Driver change at Cheetham Hill Tesco, and the guy who took the wheel was, to say the bare minimum, a “rum cunt”. My primary reason for this judgement was the fact he walked like he had one leg bigger than the other and swore about 10 times in the 11 word conversation the two drivers had before driving off to continue the service. 

He managed to get as far as North Manchester General Hospital, which for anyone who knows the area isn’t very far at all, when we slid out of control down a tiny hill into one of those square white and yellow bollard and lampost. The windscreen shattered and the front of the bus sorta fell apart. 

Not ammused. Unfortunately, this would be the one day that I forget my phone, so I couldn’t take any TwitPics. You’ll just have to look at all the pictures of trams or me & Angela eating Subways instead. 

Oh, one thing I will say for Worst, their recovery truck arrived quicker than the Police did. Oh, and I wasn’t injured, before anyone asks, even the dodgy foot survived without any extra damage! 

Anyway, tumble dryer advice. Always buy Tumble Dryers in the afternoon when your feet have expanded. 

PS. Trying to get a new look and stuff on here, might even change the domain again as I suffer from major personality issues…….

I know, I know, dry your eyes, it’s tuff to hear. But the topic has to be discussed in a blog. I have to share the pain and help the heeling process. I have to write about this;

Terry Wogan has left Radio 2.

I know, I know, I feel the pain, I feel it fellow readers. The morning commute will never be the same again for millions of us up and down the British Isles. No more will the rambling Irish guy who does the Eurovision song contest tell us about the abusive letters he gets, the millions of dodgy old people who love him, and stories about ‘those two who are having an affair’, whatever they’re called.

I have to admit I never really understood a single word he was saying, anyway, but there you go.

Naw, honestly though, people are waiting to hear about the foot (because it’s a very funny subject?) and so, I suppose I had better write somthing about my foot.

Apparently the fact the Health & Safety bloke has broken his foot is very funny, especially to the workforce, who, in there hundreds (literally) stand outside their vans in the yard of a morn, and laugh at the safety guy who “wasn’t very safe, were ya’, lolol”, and whistling the tune to Tresure Island behind my back.

But whatever. Yeah, so, the crutches do not agree with my hands and my ample frame. I regret all those years I went back for seconds now. Back is starting to kill me. I’m bored ridged but there isn’t really many people to talk to (apart from the McDermott Cube of course when he isn’t KO’ed or GETTING DRUNK WHILE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK) – so, no, its not much fun at all actually.

Apparently WOE IS DANNY is bad for me though so, rather than go on about the negative aspects of the foot, lets talk about some of the positive aspects of the foot.

1. Angela actually being nice to me for once.
2. The laydays being sympathetic towards me.
3. Reruns of Top Gear on Dave. Richard Hammond.
4. Sponge Cake.

So I guess it’s not all bad. Now over to Terry Wogan for his final thoughts;

WELL NOW THEN, my weiry listeners, you’re LISTENING TO the breakfast show, here on, RADIO TWO.

And I’m quite short of it, but nevermind. It’s there to be spent right? Otherwise it just burns a hole in your pocket.

One more pay day before christmas, however, and as I get paid on the 15th, this gives me 10 days to do some panic christmas shopping. For those previously confused; there should be no shadow of a doubt by now that I am indeed a bloke with that statement, any bird would have had christmas shopping wrapped up in mid-July.

It’s funny stuff though, money. Take British Telecom, for example. They have loads of the stuff, but the only person in the whole of one particular village in Oxfordshire-Buckinghamshire to have the ability to recieve broadband just happens to be the Managing Director.

It’s too expensive to hook anyone else up, but Sir Michael Rake just happened to be 1cm closer to the exchange than everybody else and qualified. What a funny coincidence, huh? It certainly has nothing to do with the fact it’s unprofitable to hook everyone else in the village up, though.

Anyway, following on to today’s post’s money theme, I’m about to check the Bonus Ball number from this past saturday, to see if I’ve won the work draw. Exciting stuff people, this is live entertainment right ere’!

Okay, here I go, opening Google. Opening the website. Clicking on Lotto…….and…… fucking bastard. The bonus ball is 8, my first choice had it not been taken, as it’s my lucky number. I picked 18. Fuck fuck fuck. I really could use that £50.

So, to set the scene, we ended up in Sheffield to see the Smackdown! TV tapings. We got some pretty wicked seats that got us right up behind the booth, so look out for us on Sky Sports 3 / MyNetworkTV / The Score / BaddabingbaddabangSports.

Anyway, first thing’s first, the piccies. Clicky to open in big with fancy swoosh.

So yeah, it was great fun, we got really close to the action, music, pyro, a Casket Match, and some wrestling occasionally too. All good stuff, but so much fun was being had that by the time we got out of the Sheffield Arena, we where hitting the wrong side of midnight without a paddle.

Of course captain King here has got us return rail tickets that expire the same day. That didn’t prove to be a major problem though, as the last train had left about an hour ago anyway, and the station was shut.

The next train wasn’t until 4am. First thing was first, trying to get people to come pick us up from Manchester didn’t meet with too much sucsess as you can expect. Then followed the obligatory try and find a stupid cab driver who’d take us all the way there for anything less than the cost of his mortage, and again, that fell kind of flat.

In the end we managed to essentially break into the train station, with the epic plan that we’d camp out in there until the first train. That didn’t sit too well with the station staff at first, but eventually they took pity on us and let us sleep in the wating room, while kindly informing us that First, the company responsable for running the 4am train, had decided to have a relapse and run a bus instead.

Trying to sleep on a closed, freezing railway station with about 50 DMU’s ticking over all around you might sound like my idea of heaven, but ultimately it’s not the best place to try and sleep. I can’t remember the exact specifics of the bizare things we ended up doing to pass the time, but they range from singing Mega Drive tunes for an hour to re-enacting the entire second series of Red Dwarf on Platform 2B.

Eventually, the revolutionary train on rubber tires arived, and after a thurough ticket check (…) we managed to get a ride home, mashed up and with little sleep, but at the end of the day, it was a giggle.

Don’t trust me when I say I’ll make the travel arrangments, though.

After much soul searching, not bothering to shower for a week, sitting on the bus feeling miserable, doing some more soul searching, and eventually breaking down in tears, I decided, I just had to do it. I had to go to Subway. The pain of trying to stay away was just too strong, and now I’ve had my “super food”, I’m back on form, bitches!

So, what’s new, what’s improved, what’s the shizzle fo’ mo’ dizzle snizzle as Snoop Shizzle would dizzle? (White guys really should be banned from saying anything that ends in “izle”). Well, first of all, new website name, since the year is coming to an end and I’m going through site names at around one a year, so it all ties in nicely!

Also, brand new look to the site, improved the social networking links, including a new “TwitMe” button on all pages, plus a funky new Twitter feed, a revamp of the webcam, etc. etc. – plus lots of new videos, downloads, and some general tidy up and enhancement of the other shit.

Stay tuned, new Safety Spotlight coming soon too….. and it’s a corker. Might even be in video.

Every supermarket has stacks of mince pies and selection boxes the moment you walk in the door of course, but nothing is quite so stupid as Morrisons own brand Mince Pies that have a use-by date way before the 25th of December. Now that just seems fucking strange if you ask me.

Of course plans are already afoot for putting the fecking Santa up on the Town Hall. I was supposed to be down there doing inspections this week but of course with David Cameron in town things have been put on the back burner. Still, it’s a new Santa this year apparently, which is always exciting isn’t it. Let’s just hope James May does not attach his caravan to it and attempt to fly off.

Back to the topic at hand though, stupid early christmas build-ups, B&Q is already pushing those stupid robotic Santa’s, and I think there’s one market town out towards Bury that already has it’s town lights up (wtf?). My favourite though, is the new gang in the area known as the ‘Movement for the Containment of Christmas’, who are randomly attacking stores that are selling christmas items too early.

So ruthless are the gang that three charity shops and a newsagent have been pranked called, and given stern warnings to stop selling the cards until mid-November. The trouble got out of hand, however, this past weekend when one member of the gang malicously and with intent stuck a message onto a shop window.

“This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st November. We will put superglue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill (the Mind shop got done on Sunday).” They’ve gone too far dammit, too far!