Archive for the ‘Nonsense’ Category
Is this iPod charging? I don't even know.
Since I’ve been temporarily banned from FileFront by n0e, due to my outlandish misdemeanors, I might as well write a blog, something I’ve yet again neglected to do for some time.
Ah, where to start, it’s been a funny old week. I think the most random event was the tram derailment, which suffice to say was “interesting” – never before have I witnessed such awesome stupidity, it was, my friends, truly epic. If any of you have any budding aspirations to become a tram driver, I seriously reccomend reversing on spring loaded points and hitting a overhead stantion. It’s hilarious fun.
I could go into a full blown rant about this but, eh, I don’t think I care anymore. I just love the fact that millions of our pounds were spent on a pointless new branch line that runs 650 yards, adds 10 minutes to my journey, and results in derailments on the second day of opening. This must be that “better Metrolink” that was coming. I really enjoy having to derail, then take the 33 bus, over the old system. 
Anyway, enough of that. I’m sure everyone was excitied to learn that the Sheepeep, Darkclone and I met up this past weekend like the internet nerds we are for Mr. Clone’s epic birthday party doodar. There have been many frequently asked questions about this event so I thought I might summerise them her
e for the sake of nothing else to write about;
- We don’t call each other our usernames in real life.
- Sheep really does have pointlesly long yet awesome hair.
- I really do have none.
- Darkclone also has hair. Infact I’m quite bitter about the hair. I WANT HAIR.
- I get on with Sheep about as well in real life as I do on “the interweb” – in other words, not at all. =P
- PRECIOUS EGG-O-MATIC HOVERCRAFT
- It was a good lulz.
- Yes, every reader of this blog was together the same time, except McDermott Cube.
Finally, I need some answers on a postcard. I actually went to the trouble of purchasng an iPod some time ago (second hand, of course) and now I can’t seem to charge it. I think it’s been charging off USB for the past 3 hours but it still won’t turn on. What the hell do I do with it? I want to listen to choonz in the office. We have an iPod dock, you know. We’re a cool section.
For the record, this does not indicate any affiliation to Steve Jobs or his faulty products, I merely purchased it as a favour to someone. The fact I can’t get it working should speak volumes about it.
FOR THE CAUSE XXX
~Danny
Virgin Media are idiots and trolls.
Branson Troll Face.
When we decided to go with Virgin for our telephone and internet connection, we thought it looked like a good deal. I was hesitant for quite a while but the cost compared to other providers combined with a landline, phone service etc. was pretty good, plus they could install it quickly, and “going fibre” sounded like a good move.
So now we have a crackly phone line that won’t stop ringing random numbers on it’s own, an internet connection that constantly drops out, and I have to leave work early so an engineer can come and do nothing about the problem – otherwise they’ll charge me £10.
It’s funny really because my friend at work had – and still has – the exact same issue with his Virgin line. I should have listened to him and stayed clear, but for some reason I assumed his problems must have been a one-off. The chances of me experiencing the same problem were slim, right?
They are comics, but I'm not really laughing.
Skip foward to today. The engineer has been round, and disconnected our telephone line, because the cable was shorting out under the ground and causing the phone to dial out random numbers. He said someone would be round to “repull” the cable, but didn’t give a date or time, and nobody has rang to give me a date or time – probably because they can’t – we have no phone. The internet is still on but patchy at best, the modem requires a reset two or three times a day.
Yesterday Virgin decided to bill us for the pleasure of this. £78, of which, £54 is call charges for calls that lasted less than 50 seconds. I don’t make calls that last less than 50 seconds, infact I don’t often make calls off the landline at all. My theory? The phone has been dialing out to random people and we’re being charged for it.
Virgin Media have been a complete and total fuckup from day 1. If anyone is considering going with Virgin Media I strongly suggest you treat them like Asbestos and stay clear.
I’m about to ring them back to try and get the problems resolved. Ultimately I’m about to speek to Pooja Bhuttar in Mumbai, who will fail to do anything useful for me except baffle me with his strange accent. I’m not racist, I’ve got nothing agaisnt the fella, but he won’t be able to do anything from there.
……Going to Sky as soon as we can get out of this contract. Murdoch, all is forgiven.
Throw a chicken in the air, stick a deckchair up your nose…
“Why would I do that?” asked Martha, in a hushed and somewhat fearful tone. “Because if you don’t, I’ll fuck you six ways from Sunday!” responded Victor.
This then is the story of our constitution, arranged in chronological order. There is no reason for this to be analysed as any kind of food product other than that of it’s base constituants and assosiated offspring.
John has 3 bags of sweets. Dave has six bags. How many bags does Ranjit have? Fucking hundreds, fool, Ranjit owns the shop. And let that be a lesson to you.
Casual racism asside, there are important messages that you should take away from this experience here today. Always eat your veg, milk, cookies, and vitamins. Always say your prayers, and most importantly, never let Hulk Hogan move you to Monday Nights.
What? It’s not like anybody actually reads this stuff is it?
Vote for a King, Vote for the NLCALP!
A general election is looming, and the debate is heating up. Our three main political party leaders are battling it out on TV every week to win voters and grab the top spot, but ultimately, these parties will all fail our country, our economy, and our people. They’re all the same thing, with a different name and colour of tie.
Me, I’m somthing different. I am founding the NLCALP, the National Liberaly Consevative And Labourers Party. We’re the party who does what it says on the tin. We’re the Ronseal party. We’re the party that just say’s NO. I mean seriously, check us and our key policies;
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MEET THE CABINET
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Free Tea & Biscuits for the Elderly
Old people spend the majority of their time sat indoors eating custard creams, slurping tea and watching Countdown. Did you know that nearly £240,000,000 of state pensions are spent on tea and biscuits every year? This is a huge void that needs to be sealed. Our proposals are clear on this pivotal issue; Nationalise the biscuit and tea industries, and make tea and biscuits free for all people over 60. All biscuit and tea manufacturers will be amalgamated into two companies, British Biscuits and British Tea (Note: “British Telecom” will be renamed “British Phones” to avoid confusion. “British Petrolium” will become “British Stuff That Make My Vroom-Vroom Go!” in turn). All tea and biscuits will be excempt from tax, and all profits will go into the research and development of products, with a percentage returning to the national coffers. I will be provided with an unlimited supply of biscuits and tea.
The £9.99, £19.99 notes and 99p coin
It takes no dummy to realise the real cause of the economic crash; and that is people loosing their change. The economic upturn caused a surge in pricing down among retailers, resulting in various “99p”, “£9.99″ and “£19.99″ offers. The resulting wave of shrapnel entering the economy has been unprecidented, with nearly £240,000,000 of 1p coins being lost in shopping centre fountains every year. Millions more are lost to grids, the backs of sofas, and piggy-banks that are never opened. This money needs to be recirculated into the economy, and fast. These new denominations will prevent the wastage of change.
New National Bank Holidays
44 new bank holidays will be introduced, in addition to the curernt 8, making 52, to cover the various religous and 
historical events that should be celebrated in Britain. These will include; Man Day, Eating a Bionic Limb Day, Fish With Three Eyes Day, One Time Pad Day, Radio Manchester Day, My Lordz Day, Eating a Nappy Day, Woman Day, What’s That Boy? Day, Mug Day, Monday Monday Day, Good Lord is That The Time Day, Sunday 2.0 Day, Can’t Be Arsed To Day, Boy Day, Fire Me I Dare You Day, Not Getting Out Of Bed To Day, Girl Day, Chocolate Day, Cake Day, Biscuit Day, Toffee Day, Candy Day, Food Day, Burger Day, Hotdog Day, Bread Day, Brandie Tschauner Day, Carbon Fibre Day, Instant Gravy Day, Saussage Patte Day, McDonalds Straw Wrapper Day, Cracked Floor Tile Day, Traffic Cone Day, Plastic Bottle Day, Flonger Day, One Stop Knocking Shop Day, Protectatron Day, Baby Day, Rapture Day, Jim Ross Day, Fire Evacuation Drill Day, Tiling Grout Day, Sellophane Wrapper Day, and Inconspicuous Cloud Shapes Day.
Investment in Green Technology
White Goods will be renamed Green Goods in order to help create a greener technological landscape for Britain. All white goods will be green by the year 2014, a year that was arbitrarily picked by a “think tank” because it sounds close but far away simultaniously. All electrical goods and personal electronic devices will be green by the year 2016, which is a bit further but still, just the round the corner so, it’s real change, real quick, y’know?
Benefit Reduction Scheme
Benefit funding will be cut and several initiatives will be used to force the unemployed back into work. These include various pilot schemes, including, forced labour, slavoury, iron cuffing, mame and slaughter, and bycicle pump. Should these initatives prove sucsessful in their pilot regions, they will be rolled out on a national basis. Those who are “on the sick” or claiming incapasity benefits will be taken away, locked in giant warehouse, and plugged into a giant supercomputer, which will be used for mundane everyday tasks that you don’t need to concern yourself with.
Our Other Policies Include:
- Re-opening Jillys Rockworld
- Opening a Subway on every street corner.
- Mandatory playthough of all Sonic The Hedgehog games every year.
- Reduction on taxes for video games.
- AceyBongos from Xbox Live to be replaced with a robotic version of Sting.
- NHS to offer additional “services”.
- Mortgages to be written off and replaced with a complex bartering system involving Jaffa Cakes.
So forget the other parties, and vote for the NLCALP on May 8th. I mean 4th. Or is it the 6th? Yeah, 6th, better go with that one. AND MAKE BRITAIN, OURS AGAIN!
Sponsored by Doctors Assosiates, Inc.
