My prediction’s for 200910… reviewed!

It’s amazing to note that this incarnation of my website blog thing, which exists purely to serve my amazingly oversized ego, has existed now since April 2008. Can you believe I’ve been writing this crap for nearly 2 and 3 quarter years?

I’ve decided to celebrate the new year by looking back at the post I made last year, and seeing which of my predictions came true, which did not, and which were so hilariously off the mark it now looks silly! You can click here to view the blog I wrote last year.

The first thing to note is that, at the top of that post, I do give Matt Smith a hard time as the 11th Doctor, calling into question his jawline and the bow tie. I now feel very silly as, having watched the series, I do love Matt Smith as the Doctor and, of course, now realise that bow ties are cool. I really should learn not to make snap judgments like that.

Anyway, let’s begin!

Manchester City might actually win something.

- Well, uh, didn’t happen. We bombed out of the only cup we had a chance of winning. But things are looking good for the premiership this season I understand so, there’s still time, just not in 2010.

Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.

- Sadly not, but as predicted, every single type of re-release, remix and even a new Kinect video game did come out, but until he walks amongst us again, this one is also a “didn’t happen”.

Woolworths will return to the high street.

- Eh, uh, again, nada.

Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.

- Sonic 4 did happen. And then it came out. There’s still time for the situation to be redeemed however, and Sonic Colours is doing really well so, this one sort of happened, but perhaps not as strongly as I had hoped.

Star Trek II will be properly announced.

- More rumors but nothing substantial yet. This year is turning out to be a real letdown, huh?

Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.

- ……ditto. Filming begins NEXT year now. God how you must make me wait for all my favorite things.

Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.

- DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER! I sware we’ll be having problems in that country for the rest of my lifetime, just last week there were more deaths involving our troops over there. It’s just all so sad.

President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.

- Yup. In comes new healthcare reform, and in return he’s now a hated character. Joy. Thankfully he’s not out of office yet and the democrats managed to defend their senate seats earlier in the year. No sign of Bushdroid thankfully.

GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.

- Portal 2 indeed announced and, it does look rather awesome.

The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.

- Oh boy, where to begin? David Cameron has indeed managed to grab power thanks to Nick Clegg and his Liberal Pussycat party, and we’re all now feeling the devastation of that decision. As a nice new year present, welcome to 20% VAT.

David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.

- Yup. Like that kid gives a shit about the environment. Have you ever seen him go NEAR a bike since he took residence at No. 10?

The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.

- He flew. By God he flew. What an awesome series it was. And Karen Gillian is so hot.

Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

- And it was. Not to mention as an added bonus. Bioshock Infinate was announced and that looks to be made of even more win. Win all round!

Finally, as a footnote, none of my predicted deaths occurred except perhaps for one. I made reference to the following; “Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.” – while this did not happen, rather ironically The Bill itself died as, after 20 years, ITV canceled the show. Yes, ITV sucks. The Bill, you will be missed.

And that’s it for this year. Coming soon: more fun and frolics in 2011!

Happy New Year everybody!

Blogfail

My blog has failed to take a server move in it’s stride unfortunately and as such, is currently, to not put too fine a point on it, fucked.

I will be attempting to sort it eventually. When I am less hung over.

Declare driving electorally betwixt.

I couldn’t think of a good title for this blog, so I’ve just made something up. This blog post is not a campaign to vote driving a continuous never-ending process.

Unfortunately the cold is making it very hard to type right now. This room is larger than Katie Price’s fun-bags, and the central heating is having no effect whatsoever. I hate the cold, and since the news channels have nothing better to do right now except report on the impending snow storm, I doubt it’s going to get any better. Whatever happened to the summer? I don’t remember any warm weather, do you?

I’ve been in my new job now for about 7 weeks (already!) – my new colleagues are pretty cool, still miss my old job though. I’m pretty fed up with being kept in the dark on my own future, I have no idea of my contractual status or how long I’m going to be employed for. I also still have no idea why I was made redundant in the first place, my old colleagues seem to be in every day after a quick favor and telling me how much they’re struggling a man down – I’m sure the whole experience will make a nice case study toward the company’s goal to become an Investors in People accredited business.

Sonic 4 – I played it, I played it some more, and I liked it – I wasn’t sure what to expect from this game, it is certainly not a 1:1 remake of the classic Sonic games, and there are a few flaws with it. The physics are, to say the least, different, although not unenjoyable. You have to give time to adjust to the way the game plays. The graphics are wonderful, the levels are good, the only issue I have with this game apart from the obvious physics problem is it’s just too damn short. I did expect more from this game, unfortunately I managed to see all there was to see in one night. I have written a longer review for this game, which you can find below this post. I’ve decided not to make it the only new blog post today though, since I’ve left it far too long and I’m sure not everybody wants to read a scripture on the subject.

Fallout New Vegas – Christ, I wish I had more time to play this game properly, but from what I’ve played so far, it’s not been too bad. It does seem to be lacking somthing, the quests seem a bit dull sometimes, but it’s more of the same and, as the old adage goes, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. Good stuff indeed. I’m looking forward to the new DLC which is coming out soon though as that sounds quite interesting indeed.

I went out to see Due Date which I have to admit was a pretty hilarious film. If I was to have my critical head on I would say some of it was formulaic and predictable, but the comedy from Zach Galifianakis was gold, and Robert Downey Jr. was also hilarious. Also, a very satisfying punch to a very annoying kid, I like those.

Finally I would just like to say that FileFront changing it’s name to GameFront is a sad sort of day indeed. It’s a logical name change under the circumstances but it is the end of an era so to speak, it’s the last of the original names from when I first joined up, so for it to go is a bit strange, but I suppose life moves on, blar-de-blar. Unfortunately, the glory days do seem to be behind anyway, perhaps the new editorial approach can bring about more life to the place.

Oh, one more thing. If you’ve not swung by and checked out FileSheep, please do so! It’s our funky forum that we’re creating ourselves, just we need a few more faces to make it lively. There’s a good crowd already in there so, come check it out. Plz? Pretty plz? <3

More bloggage soon!

Things that should never have been invented.

There’s an old addage in the blogosphere, “If you’re stuck for content, do a list” – so that got me to thinking, actually, what ARE the worst products that anyone has ever invented?

It took me long and hard, I mean there are many bad inventions out there, from a wide range of batty individuals. For example, there’s the Apple III, Macintosh IC500, Macintosh IIVI, the Umax Supermac, The Macintosh Portable, The Apple Network Server, The Mac Colour Classic, ibook, emac 2007, Powerbook G3 and second generation iPod Shuffle, to name a few.

After much deliberation, I managed to find the five most insane ideas anyone has ever created. I hope you appreciate the effort I went too to Google these things for you.

1) The Golfing Wig Hat

Golf, the arena of gentlemen. The place where high flying business types go to hit balls with big sticks and try to get them in the hole. ‘Course, problem is, by the time you get to that age where golf is the only sport you can play, you have, much like yours truly, gone completely bald. The solution? Well, check this bad boy out.

The golfing wig hat allows you to protect your forehead from the shade and restore that luscious hair you once so had as a young man. I almost want to buy one of these myself, I think it’d suit me, no? The beauty of this invention is that the hat hides the join between the dark brown hair and the thin gray hair, I mean, if it wasn’t for the before and after shot I wouldn’t even have known.

There is a slight drawback, however, and that’s what happens when you’re not playing golf or going for a walk in the park. You’re going to have too take it off sometime, y’know? You can’t go to a corporate board meeting wearing that thing. Somebody clearly didn’t think it through.

2) The Shoe Umbrella

Don’t you just hate it when you get home from a night out, a day in the office, or a trip to the shops, and find that the rain has made your SHOES wet? It really does grind my gears, but thankfully, some bright spark has invented just the thing for me, and you!

The shoe umbrella protects the tops of your shoes from the ever constant British weather. No more will you have to look at your shoes and think, “yes, they look wet!” – of course, I’m not entirely sure how this stops the soles from getting wet, which is kinda the crux of the matter when it comes to messing up the carpet. It probably doesn’t handle puddles very well either. Infact, I’m not entirely sure it’s dealing with the rain that effectively, but hell, it looks cool, so, why not?

3) The Noodle Fan

Japan, trust me, there’s not a problem they haven’t tried to tackle, and today it’s hot Noodles. I hate it when Noodles burn my tongue, and since I get tired easily, I can’t be arsed blowing to cool them down. The solution? Well, it’s so obvious to me now, but strapping a USB desk fan to a pair of chopsticks seems to be just the ticket!

The fan cools down the noodles! Awesome, huh? I struggle with chopsticks anyway, but strapping a fucking Pratt and Whitney too them seems like an excellent idea, I imagine it will in no way impeed my ability to pick up slippery pasta products with two peices of smooth wood and guide them sucessfully into my mouth. Fuck, I struggle with forks.

I’m not entirely sure what else there is to say.

4) The Two Person Sweatshirt.

There’s nothing nicer than going for a walk in the park with your loved one. I mean, I don’t imagine there is anyway, I neither have a loved one nor a park. But the point is, in those winter afternoons, there’s a better way to keep yourselves warm, and share some tender love.

May I present to you, the two person sweatshirt. It’s pretty simple really, it’s a sweatshirt that two people can fit into. Immediate observations of this advert lead me to draw the following conclusions;

a – The man in that photograph is fucking frightened.
b – The woman in that photograph has taken a LOT of Prozac.
c – You can tell this was her idea.
d – She will probably hack him to death with a pick axe if she ever discovers he sleeps with hookers.
e – Neither of them are going to be able to walk.

I sware, if I ever saw two people walking along inside one of those, I would quite literally shit myself laughing. I don’t even know what else to say, the picture really does speak for itself. I wonder if they do three person versions……

5) And finally, the greatest thing in the world, ever.

I’m not even joking this time, I really do want one of these. It’s a clockwork tea dunker that looks like a penguin. I fucking love penguins and tea. Seriously, what a combo. Am I right?

Dunking your tea bag to diffuse the flavour is a pain in the arse, so why not get this clockwork penguin to do it for you? Not only that, I’m sure it could be adapted to all sorts of uses, for example, repeated stapling, pressing the “N” key during a setup program, or keeping the wife happy. Infact I don’t think there’s a single task that is beyond this truly epic penguin.

At least, I think it’s a penguin. it looks more like a cow from the neck down, but clearly it’s a bird because it has a beak, and wears a top hat. Oh, and a nice bow tie, too.

I’ve honestly tried to find one of these on the internet to buy but I can’t find one. If anyone knows where I can get one, I will seriously see to it you are made the greatest person in the universe after myself, God and Google.