Welcome to a new segment, Grilling Mishaps, where I highlight the funniest grill-related catastrophies on the internet and display them here for your viewing pleasure.

This week’s Grilling Mishap comes from ‘Steve’ in Milwaukee, who is trying his hand at the grill for the first time.

One of the many amazing web designers out there.

If you’re going to steal it, at least re-upload the images.
There’s very little point in hotlinking to the images of the site you stole the page from. It leads to two problems, firstly you’re going to light yourself up all over the victim’s referrer stats like a Christmas tree, so you’re going to get caught quite easily. Secondly, you’ve left your content in the hands of someone else. If you’re going to do this, don’t be surprised if you wake up to find that I’ve relocated my images and plastered photos of giant penises all over your website.

And while you’re at it, change the url’s in the menus.
Much like the first problem, this one also makes you stick out like a sore thumb. It’s also redirecting traffic back to me, so, apart from making you look like a douche, it actually lets all your visitors know you’re a thief. And a douche.

Oh, and the JS files. You really don’t want to hotlink my javascript.
Because much like the images, I’ll just change the location and bombard your users with dialogue boxes informing them of how retarded you are.

CSS files, you might want to make your own.
Hotlinking my CSS files is also a bad idea. Believe it or not, quite a few people have done this and all of the above, and they’ve all ended up with bright pink pages full of cocks, and messages informing their users that the webmaster is a child molesting baby murderer.

But if you’re smart enough to avoid all that, at least change the text.
Because copying my text not only hurts your search engine rankings, it makes it incredibly easy to find you. A good resource for finding stolen content is http://www.plagiarismchecker.com/ – if you’re a thief, why not bash in your website’s URL with your retarded sausage fingers and see how obvious you are?

But most importantly, if you’re going to get caught, admit it. Don’t blame your Indian web designer.

“Dear Daniel King, Sorry for any harm caused by this as this was not our intention and had instructed the Indian web designers not to use any copyright material but appears to have still have occurred. We understand that the copyright issue rest with us and is our fault for not keeping on top of this.”

Making statements like this isn’t going to get you off the hook.  In fact, this statement is amazing on so many levels. Apart from being blatantly racist, it’s also incredibly transparent and absurd. Why would you, a man who lives in Pontefract, hire somebody from India to design your website for you, when there are plenty of low-cost web designers right here on your own doorstep?  Since you’ve rather foolishly decided to develop your website in a live environment, however, the only hits that are relevant to points 1-4 must be yours and your Indian web designer, who also lives in pontefract. In your house, as a matter of fact. I can see why you hired him! He’s cheap and close by. You might want to fire him though, apart from being a bit crap, he’s rubbish at following instructions.

For the love of god, if you’re going to do this, at least don’t fuck it up.
I’m sick and tired of seeing people take my website and then replace the logo with some shitty MS paint text and dumping a load of clipart in the main body. If you’ve not got the skills to at least make my work look good, then please, stay the fuck away from it.

Alternatively, just ask me.
If you like my work, how about a revolutionary idea? Rather than just stealing everything, why don’t you ask me to design your site for you. I promise to beat the price of your nearest Indian web designer, even if he does live in the next room, and I might even let you use some stuff for free. I’m not an utter douchebag (well, I am but I’m an accommodating douchebag) – so I really wouldn’t have a problem helping you out if you just asked. I may say no depending on the request, but it’s common courtesy, and you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you’re not a complete and utter mongoloid.

It’s been 17 days since PlayStation 3 users across the globe were sent into the dark ages, and reports have been circulating that several of their users have now reverted into a pre-historic state. Run down estates such as Clifton and The Valley have decended into war, as those who can’t afford to pay for a proper service struggle to find anything to do except stab each other and burn cars.

Few lucky enough to afford £5.99 a month have upgraded to a proper gaming network. Unfortunately this price is beyond that which the average PS3 user can afford, and as such I’m launching a new charity, “Live for Live”, to help get those suffering onto Xbox Live.

Please donate just £1 a month to help a starving and frightened young poor person onto Xbox Live. Your donation will provide;

• Clean servers for a child for an entire year, free of hackers.
• A reliable and functional online experience.
• The comfort that their online service will always be waiting for them when they get home.
• An online store that won’t loose their credit card details.
• Sanctuary from pointless law-suits, illegal data mining and privacy breaches.
• Access to a network run by a company that isn’t entirely incompetent.
• A gift bag and monthly letters from your adopted gamer.

You can make so much difference to a person’s life just by donating toward’s the Live for Live donation campaign. Thank you.

1. Kamala

Billed as the Ugandan Giant, Kamala’s real name was James Harris and he was from Mississippi, which is sometimes mistaken for Uganda by Kentuckians. Part of his gimmick included eating live chickens or, as you might expect, holding a chicken, waiting for the camera to cut away, then spitting feathers out. The idea of a giant African cannibal (or whatever the hell) who weighs around 400lbs is clearly awesome because this sentence can’t be ended in a logical fashion so here comes the period. On the bright side, James is still around and he writes music now, according to Wikipedia.

2. Yokozuna

Yokozuna is a real title for sumo wrestlers when they prove to be the most immovable of immovable objects. Because racial sensitivity is very high in the WWE’s list of proprieties, like Kamala, Yokozuna portrayed someone he wasn’t. In this case, he was a Samoan named Rodney pretending to be a Japanese sumo wrestler. All you really need is black hair, a giant diaper and a hell of a lot of body to fill that diaper and you qualify as honorary Japanese, it’s in their constitution. Anyway, Yokozuna is often credited as being the fattest wrestler ever, weighing in at around 600lbs. Do you know what else weighs 600lbs? 6 Keira Knightleys.

3. Mabel/Viscera/Big Daddy V

Look at that bosom. Holy crap. Big Daddy V, aka guy with a terrible name, has spent a lot of his wrestling career wearing parachutes and other billowy fabrics because he is pretty spherical, with the exception of those taters. Dude carries his weight poorly. He has gone in and out of the WWE under a number of different nicknames but pretty much the same cup size. His awesomeness was cemented, however, when he took up The World’s Biggest Love Machine gimmick and tried to do Trish Stratus, which is offputting yet somehow fantastic.

4. Earthquake John Tenta

Tenta had one of the best debuts in wrestling history. The camera kept “accidentally’ panning across this really huge guy in the audience during the broadcast, until the time came when Hulk Hogan, in a display of bravado inspired by his desire to forget he was married to a leather bound CHUD (I assume) asked for anyone at all in the audience to come sit on his back while he did push ups. Any volunteer at all. A little girl pointed to the innocent-looking fat guy on the end of the aisle. How could this go wrong or be staged? Long story short, Earthquake totally sat on Hulk Hogan, like a lot. Because when you’re that big, sitting is actually an offensive maneuver.

5. Rikishi Solafa Fatu

Sometimes known as Rikishi, he was a big Samoan dude. The only thing I know about the Samoan people, as a matter of fact, is that they breed wicked huge wrestlers. What you need to know about this particular wrestler is that his uniform, for quite a while, consisted of a thong up his ass that facilitated his very athletic signature move the “Stink Face.” Yeah, he just rubbed his giant ass on people’s faces.

6. Giant Haystacks

This one’s a bit of a classic but worth mentioning because there are few land animals in North America that are bigger than this man used to be. Giant Haystacks, another wrestler victimized by terribly terrible nicknames, looked like every Deliverance nightmare you ever had. He was nearly 7 feet tall, nearly 700lbs, bearded and used a rope as a belt. Fun Fact – dude didn’t need a belt. Rumor has it he ate 3lbs of bacon and a dozen eggs for breakfast every day. I tried that once and shit an oil slick for the next three days.

7. Happy Humphrey

Another blast from the past, Humphrey used to wrestle back when the world was all in black and white and men wore hats just because. And why was he so happy? Hard to say, he weighed 800lbs. Obviously I never saw this guy wrestle but I find it hard to believe he did more than simply exist in the ring. Word has it Humphrey was discovered on a farm and made his debut by wrestling a bear for half an hour. I appreciate how none of what I just said sounds even remotely real, but it’s still the story we’re supposed to believe. In his prime, it’s said he would eat 15 chickens in a single sitting.

8. King Kong Bundy

An icon and one-time guest star on Married with Children for no other reason than the word “Bundy”, King Kong Bundy was the fat guy when wrestling rose to prominence and a generation realized for the first time that a fat man in a unitard could be seen as more than a neighborhood sex offender.

.

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9. Tugboat

Also known as Typhoon, Tugboat also had a brief stint as The Shockmaster, known for being one of the awesomest gimmicks ever because it was unintentionally butchered by Tugboat when, during his debut, he tripped and fell on his ass. A fat guy falling down? Priceless.

10. Abdullah the Butcher

It’s said that Abdullah the Butcher was raised in the Sudan and was batshit insane and that’s almost true. He was raised in Windsor, Ontario and his real name is Larry. Windsor, for those who don’t know, is Detroit of Canada, so like Detroit of America, only with beaver traps and drunker hobos. With a skull full of grooves that may or may not have been surgically implemented, Abdullah is famous for being insanely hardcore and for having what has to be a pair of K cups. He also owns a BBQ in Atlanta. Tasty!

11. Bastion Booger

While none of these men are particularly attractive, Bastion Booger wins an award for looking like a Gorg from Fraggle Rock. Arguably if your name is Bastion Booger odds are your gimmick isn’t going to be that of a suave lady’s man, but damn, look at that guy. And his Barbarella-meets-seatbelts outfit wasn’t helping either. However, if not for Bastion Booger, where would Larry the Cable Guy be today?

12. The Big Show

Big Show suffers the same condition as the awesomest wrestler of all time, Andre the Giant, acromegaly, though he has had surgery to stop the condition from progressing any further. However, thanks to its effects, the man is pretty much a giant at over 7 feet tall and about 480lbs. The most notable moment of his career, however, involved a guest appearance on Conan O’Brien in which he, along with Tom Selleck, were scared into a pale-knuckled panic by elderly sex educator Sue Johansson as she strapped the Accommodator, a chin-mounted dildo, to her face, on live TV. Can a giant cry? Yes he can.

I’ve decided to celebrate the new year by looking back at the post I made last year, and seeing which of my predictions came true, which did not, and which were so hilariously off the mark it now looks silly! You can click here to view the blog I wrote last year.

The first thing to note is that, at the top of that post, I do give Matt Smith a hard time as the 11th Doctor, calling into question his jawline and the bow tie. I now feel very silly as, having watched the series, I do love Matt Smith as the Doctor and, of course, now realise that bow ties are cool. I really should learn not to make snap judgments like that.

Anyway, let’s begin!

Manchester City might actually win something.

- Well, uh, didn’t happen. We bombed out of the only cup we had a chance of winning. But things are looking good for the premiership this season I understand so, there’s still time, just not in 2010.

Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.

- Sadly not, but as predicted, every single type of re-release, remix and even a new Kinect video game did come out, but until he walks amongst us again, this one is also a “didn’t happen”.

Woolworths will return to the high street.

- Eh, uh, again, nada.

Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.

- Sonic 4 did happen. And then it came out. There’s still time for the situation to be redeemed however, and Sonic Colours is doing really well so, this one sort of happened, but perhaps not as strongly as I had hoped.

Star Trek II will be properly announced.

- More rumors but nothing substantial yet. This year is turning out to be a real letdown, huh?

Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.

- ……ditto. Filming begins NEXT year now. God how you must make me wait for all my favorite things.

Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.

- DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER! I sware we’ll be having problems in that country for the rest of my lifetime, just last week there were more deaths involving our troops over there. It’s just all so sad.

President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.

- Yup. In comes new healthcare reform, and in return he’s now a hated character. Joy. Thankfully he’s not out of office yet and the democrats managed to defend their senate seats earlier in the year. No sign of Bushdroid thankfully.

GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.

- Portal 2 indeed announced and, it does look rather awesome.

The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.

- Oh boy, where to begin? David Cameron has indeed managed to grab power thanks to Nick Clegg and his Liberal Pussycat party, and we’re all now feeling the devastation of that decision. As a nice new year present, welcome to 20% VAT.

David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.

- Yup. Like that kid gives a shit about the environment. Have you ever seen him go NEAR a bike since he took residence at No. 10?

The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.

- He flew. By God he flew. What an awesome series it was. And Karen Gillian is so hot.

Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

- And it was. Not to mention as an added bonus. Bioshock Infinate was announced and that looks to be made of even more win. Win all round!

Finally, as a footnote, none of my predicted deaths occurred except perhaps for one. I made reference to the following; “Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.” – while this did not happen, rather ironically The Bill itself died as, after 20 years, ITV canceled the show. Yes, ITV sucks. The Bill, you will be missed.

And that’s it for this year. Coming soon: more fun and frolics in 2011!

Happy New Year everybody!

I will be attempting to sort it eventually. When I am less hung over.

Unfortunately the cold is making it very hard to type right now. This room is larger than Katie Price’s fun-bags, and the central heating is having no effect whatsoever. I hate the cold, and since the news channels have nothing better to do right now except report on the impending snow storm, I doubt it’s going to get any better. Whatever happened to the summer? I don’t remember any warm weather, do you?

I’ve been in my new job now for about 7 weeks (already!) – my new colleagues are pretty cool, still miss my old job though. I’m pretty fed up with being kept in the dark on my own future, I have no idea of my contractual status or how long I’m going to be employed for. I also still have no idea why I was made redundant in the first place, my old colleagues seem to be in every day after a quick favor and telling me how much they’re struggling a man down – I’m sure the whole experience will make a nice case study toward the company’s goal to become an Investors in People accredited business.

Sonic 4 – I played it, I played it some more, and I liked it – I wasn’t sure what to expect from this game, it is certainly not a 1:1 remake of the classic Sonic games, and there are a few flaws with it. The physics are, to say the least, different, although not unenjoyable. You have to give time to adjust to the way the game plays. The graphics are wonderful, the levels are good, the only issue I have with this game apart from the obvious physics problem is it’s just too damn short. I did expect more from this game, unfortunately I managed to see all there was to see in one night. I have written a longer review for this game, which you can find below this post. I’ve decided not to make it the only new blog post today though, since I’ve left it far too long and I’m sure not everybody wants to read a scripture on the subject.

Fallout New Vegas – Christ, I wish I had more time to play this game properly, but from what I’ve played so far, it’s not been too bad. It does seem to be lacking somthing, the quests seem a bit dull sometimes, but it’s more of the same and, as the old adage goes, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. Good stuff indeed. I’m looking forward to the new DLC which is coming out soon though as that sounds quite interesting indeed.

I went out to see Due Date which I have to admit was a pretty hilarious film. If I was to have my critical head on I would say some of it was formulaic and predictable, but the comedy from Zach Galifianakis was gold, and Robert Downey Jr. was also hilarious. Also, a very satisfying punch to a very annoying kid, I like those.

Finally I would just like to say that FileFront changing it’s name to GameFront is a sad sort of day indeed. It’s a logical name change under the circumstances but it is the end of an era so to speak, it’s the last of the original names from when I first joined up, so for it to go is a bit strange, but I suppose life moves on, blar-de-blar. Unfortunately, the glory days do seem to be behind anyway, perhaps the new editorial approach can bring about more life to the place.

Oh, one more thing. If you’ve not swung by and checked out FileSheep, please do so! It’s our funky forum that we’re creating ourselves, just we need a few more faces to make it lively. There’s a good crowd already in there so, come check it out. Plz? Pretty plz? <3

More bloggage soon!

It took me long and hard, I mean there are many bad inventions out there, from a wide range of batty individuals. For example, there’s the Apple III, Macintosh IC500, Macintosh IIVI, the Umax Supermac, The Macintosh Portable, The Apple Network Server, The Mac Colour Classic, ibook, emac 2007, Powerbook G3 and second generation iPod Shuffle, to name a few.

After much deliberation, I managed to find the five most insane ideas anyone has ever created. I hope you appreciate the effort I went too to Google these things for you.

1) The Golfing Wig Hat

Golf, the arena of gentlemen. The place where high flying business types go to hit balls with big sticks and try to get them in the hole. ‘Course, problem is, by the time you get to that age where golf is the only sport you can play, you have, much like yours truly, gone completely bald. The solution? Well, check this bad boy out.

The golfing wig hat allows you to protect your forehead from the shade and restore that luscious hair you once so had as a young man. I almost want to buy one of these myself, I think it’d suit me, no? The beauty of this invention is that the hat hides the join between the dark brown hair and the thin gray hair, I mean, if it wasn’t for the before and after shot I wouldn’t even have known.

There is a slight drawback, however, and that’s what happens when you’re not playing golf or going for a walk in the park. You’re going to have too take it off sometime, y’know? You can’t go to a corporate board meeting wearing that thing. Somebody clearly didn’t think it through.

2) The Shoe Umbrella

Don’t you just hate it when you get home from a night out, a day in the office, or a trip to the shops, and find that the rain has made your SHOES wet? It really does grind my gears, but thankfully, some bright spark has invented just the thing for me, and you!

The shoe umbrella protects the tops of your shoes from the ever constant British weather. No more will you have to look at your shoes and think, “yes, they look wet!” – of course, I’m not entirely sure how this stops the soles from getting wet, which is kinda the crux of the matter when it comes to messing up the carpet. It probably doesn’t handle puddles very well either. Infact, I’m not entirely sure it’s dealing with the rain that effectively, but hell, it looks cool, so, why not?

3) The Noodle Fan

Japan, trust me, there’s not a problem they haven’t tried to tackle, and today it’s hot Noodles. I hate it when Noodles burn my tongue, and since I get tired easily, I can’t be arsed blowing to cool them down. The solution? Well, it’s so obvious to me now, but strapping a USB desk fan to a pair of chopsticks seems to be just the ticket!

The fan cools down the noodles! Awesome, huh? I struggle with chopsticks anyway, but strapping a fucking Pratt and Whitney too them seems like an excellent idea, I imagine it will in no way impeed my ability to pick up slippery pasta products with two peices of smooth wood and guide them sucessfully into my mouth. Fuck, I struggle with forks.

I’m not entirely sure what else there is to say.

4) The Two Person Sweatshirt.

There’s nothing nicer than going for a walk in the park with your loved one. I mean, I don’t imagine there is anyway, I neither have a loved one nor a park. But the point is, in those winter afternoons, there’s a better way to keep yourselves warm, and share some tender love.

May I present to you, the two person sweatshirt. It’s pretty simple really, it’s a sweatshirt that two people can fit into. Immediate observations of this advert lead me to draw the following conclusions;

a – The man in that photograph is fucking frightened.
b – The woman in that photograph has taken a LOT of Prozac.
c – You can tell this was her idea.
d – She will probably hack him to death with a pick axe if she ever discovers he sleeps with hookers.
e – Neither of them are going to be able to walk.

I sware, if I ever saw two people walking along inside one of those, I would quite literally shit myself laughing. I don’t even know what else to say, the picture really does speak for itself. I wonder if they do three person versions……

5) And finally, the greatest thing in the world, ever.

I’m not even joking this time, I really do want one of these. It’s a clockwork tea dunker that looks like a penguin. I fucking love penguins and tea. Seriously, what a combo. Am I right?

Dunking your tea bag to diffuse the flavour is a pain in the arse, so why not get this clockwork penguin to do it for you? Not only that, I’m sure it could be adapted to all sorts of uses, for example, repeated stapling, pressing the “N” key during a setup program, or keeping the wife happy. Infact I don’t think there’s a single task that is beyond this truly epic penguin.

At least, I think it’s a penguin. it looks more like a cow from the neck down, but clearly it’s a bird because it has a beak, and wears a top hat. Oh, and a nice bow tie, too.

I’ve honestly tried to find one of these on the internet to buy but I can’t find one. If anyone knows where I can get one, I will seriously see to it you are made the greatest person in the universe after myself, God and Google.

Ah, where to start, it’s been a funny old week. I think the most random event was the tram derailment, which suffice to say was “interesting” – never before have I witnessed such awesome stupidity, it was, my friends, truly epic. If any of you have any budding aspirations to become a tram driver, I seriously reccomend reversing on spring loaded points and hitting a overhead stantion. It’s hilarious fun.

I could go into a full blown rant about this but, eh, I don’t think I care anymore. I just love the fact that millions of our pounds were spent on a pointless new branch line that runs 650 yards, adds 10 minutes to my journey, and results in derailments on the second day of opening. This must be that “better Metrolink” that was coming. I really enjoy having to derail, then take the 33 bus, over the old system.

Anyway, enough of that. I’m sure everyone was excitied to learn that the Sheepeep, Darkclone and I met up this past weekend like the internet nerds we are for Mr. Clone’s epic birthday party doodar. There have been many frequently asked questions about this event so I thought I might summerise them here for the sake of nothing else to write about;

• We don’t call each other our usernames in real life.
• Sheep really does have pointlesly long yet awesome hair.
• I really do have none.
• Darkclone also has hair. Infact I’m quite bitter about the hair. I WANT HAIR.
• I get on with Sheep about as well in real life as I do on “the interweb” – in other words, not at all. =P
• PRECIOUS EGG-O-MATIC HOVERCRAFT
• It was a good lulz.
• Yes, every reader of this blog was together the same time, except McDermott Cube.

Finally, I need some answers on a postcard. I actually went to the trouble of purchasng an iPod some time ago (second hand, of course) and now I can’t seem to charge it. I think it’s been charging off USB for the past 3 hours but it still won’t turn on. What the hell do I do with it? I want to listen to choonz in the office. We have an iPod dock, you know. We’re a cool section.

For the record, this does not indicate any affiliation to Steve Jobs or his faulty products, I merely purchased it as a favour to someone. The fact I can’t get it working should speak volumes about it.

FOR THE CAUSE XXX

~Danny

Branson Troll Face.

When we decided to go with Virgin for our telephone and internet connection, we thought it looked like a good deal.  I was hesitant for quite a while but the cost compared to other providers combined with a landline, phone service etc. was pretty good, plus they could install it quickly, and “going fibre” sounded like a good move.

So now we have a crackly phone line that won’t stop ringing random numbers on it’s own, an internet connection that constantly drops out, and I have to leave work early so an engineer can come and do nothing about the problem – otherwise they’ll charge me £10.

It’s funny really because my friend at work had – and still has – the exact same issue with his Virgin line. I should have listened to him and stayed clear, but for some reason I assumed his problems must have been a one-off. The chances of me experiencing the same problem were slim, right?

They are comics, but I'm not really laughing.

Skip foward to today. The engineer has been round, and disconnected our telephone line, because the cable was shorting out under the ground and causing the phone to dial out random numbers. He said someone would be round to “repull” the cable, but didn’t give a date or time, and nobody has rang to give me a date or time – probably because they can’t – we have no phone. The internet is still on but patchy at best, the modem requires a reset two or three times a day.

Yesterday Virgin decided to bill us for the pleasure of this. £78, of which, £54 is call charges for calls that lasted less than 50 seconds. I don’t make calls that last less than 50 seconds, infact I don’t often make calls off the landline at all. My theory? The phone has been dialing out to random people and we’re being charged for it.

Virgin Media have been a complete and total fuckup from day 1. If anyone is considering going with Virgin Media I strongly suggest you treat them like Asbestos and stay clear.

I’m about to ring them back to try and get the problems resolved. Ultimately I’m about to speek to Pooja Bhuttar in Mumbai, who will fail to do anything useful for me except baffle me with his strange accent. I’m not racist, I’ve got nothing agaisnt the fella, but he won’t be able to do anything  from there.

……Going to Sky as soon as we can get out of this contract. Murdoch, all is forgiven.