Grilling Mishaps #1

Welcome to a new segment, Grilling Mishaps, where I highlight the funniest grill-related catastrophies on the internet and display them here for your viewing pleasure.

This week’s Grilling Mishap comes from ‘Steve’ in Milwaukee, who is trying his hand at the grill for the first time.

If you’re going to steal things, be smart about it.

It’s a sound bit of advice for any budding upstarts out there looking to make an impact on the world wide interweb. I’ve noticed a trend recently of people attempting to steal my web designs and using them for their own websites. Unfortunately, they’re so fucking stupid they keep getting caught, so I thought I’d write a little bit of an idiots guide to stealing things on the internet.

One of the many amazing web designers out there.

If you’re going to steal it, at least re-upload the images.
There’s very little point in hotlinking to the images of the site you stole the page from. It leads to two problems, firstly you’re going to light yourself up all over the victim’s referrer stats like a Christmas tree, so you’re going to get caught quite easily. Secondly, you’ve left your content in the hands of someone else. If you’re going to do this, don’t be surprised if you wake up to find that I’ve relocated my images and plastered photos of giant penises all over your website.

And while you’re at it, change the url’s in the menus.
Much like the first problem, this one also makes you stick out like a sore thumb. It’s also redirecting traffic back to me, so, apart from making you look like a douche, it actually lets all your visitors know you’re a thief. And a douche.

Oh, and the JS files. You really don’t want to hotlink my javascript.
Because much like the images, I’ll just change the location and bombard your users with dialogue boxes informing them of how retarded you are.

CSS files, you might want to make your own.
Hotlinking my CSS files is also a bad idea. Believe it or not, quite a few people have done this and all of the above, and they’ve all ended up with bright pink pages full of cocks, and messages informing their users that the webmaster is a child molesting baby murderer.

But if you’re smart enough to avoid all that, at least change the text.
Because copying my text not only hurts your search engine rankings, it makes it incredibly easy to find you. A good resource for finding stolen content is http://www.plagiarismchecker.com/ – if you’re a thief, why not bash in your website’s URL with your retarded sausage fingers and see how obvious you are?

But most importantly, if you’re going to get caught, admit it. Don’t blame your Indian web designer.

“Dear Daniel King, Sorry for any harm caused by this as this was not our intention and had instructed the Indian web designers not to use any copyright material but appears to have still have occurred. We understand that the copyright issue rest with us and is our fault for not keeping on top of this.”

Making statements like this isn’t going to get you off the hook.  In fact, this statement is amazing on so many levels. Apart from being blatantly racist, it’s also incredibly transparent and absurd. Why would you, a man who lives in Pontefract, hire somebody from India to design your website for you, when there are plenty of low-cost web designers right here on your own doorstep?  Since you’ve rather foolishly decided to develop your website in a live environment, however, the only hits that are relevant to points 1-4 must be yours and your Indian web designer, who also lives in pontefract. In your house, as a matter of fact. I can see why you hired him! He’s cheap and close by. You might want to fire him though, apart from being a bit crap, he’s rubbish at following instructions.

For the love of god, if you’re going to do this, at least don’t fuck it up.
I’m sick and tired of seeing people take my website and then replace the logo with some shitty MS paint text and dumping a load of clipart in the main body. If you’ve not got the skills to at least make my work look good, then please, stay the fuck away from it.

Alternatively, just ask me.
If you like my work, how about a revolutionary idea? Rather than just stealing everything, why don’t you ask me to design your site for you. I promise to beat the price of your nearest Indian web designer, even if he does live in the next room, and I might even let you use some stuff for free. I’m not an utter douchebag (well, I am but I’m an accommodating douchebag) – so I really wouldn’t have a problem helping you out if you just asked. I may say no depending on the request, but it’s common courtesy, and you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you’re not a complete and utter mongoloid.

Day 17 of the great PSN outage.

First of all I would just like to point out that, according to Google AdSense’s terms and conditions, I am not allowed to make any requests for clickthroughs on the above advertisements. As such, I will not make any such request, and won’t even mention the subject.

It’s been 17 days since PlayStation 3 users across the globe were sent into the dark ages, and reports have been circulating that several of their users have now reverted into a pre-historic state. Run down estates such as Clifton and The Valley have decended into war, as those who can’t afford to pay for a proper service struggle to find anything to do except stab each other and burn cars.

Few lucky enough to afford £5.99 a month have upgraded to a proper gaming network. Unfortunately this price is beyond that which the average PS3 user can afford, and as such I’m launching a new charity, “Live for Live”, to help get those suffering onto Xbox Live.

Please donate just £1 a month to help a starving and frightened young poor person onto Xbox Live. Your donation will provide;

• Clean servers for a child for an entire year, free of hackers.
• A reliable and functional online experience.
• The comfort that their online service will always be waiting for them when they get home.
• An online store that won’t loose their credit card details.
• Sanctuary from pointless law-suits, illegal data mining and privacy breaches.
• Access to a network run by a company that isn’t entirely incompetent.
• A gift bag and monthly letters from your adopted gamer.

You can make so much difference to a person’s life just by donating toward’s the Live for Live donation campaign. Thank you.

Pre-Rumble Ramble – Fat Wrestlers Rule

Much is made these days of America’s problem with butter. Didn’t know they had a problem with butter? They do. And bacon, and fudge and sandwiches that replace bread with cheese-filled sausage patties. It’s a broken record in the media and we all get it. But let’s not overlook all the good that fat has done for America. For instance, fat keeps you warm. If I ever get abducted by dark forces and dumped in the deep Arctic with Keira Knightley, I am going to be sledding to safety on her frozen carcass after a single day. Not only does fat ensure Americans will outlive Hollywood starlets and sometimes deflect errant slaps, it also entertains us. John Candy, John Belushi, John Goodman (the Holy John Trinity) have shown that big is hilarious. And in the WWE, big means athletic. Fat means nimble. Elephantine means competitive. Yes, the wrestling world is the last, best place for the criminally obese to rise to stardom and even be heroes. Heroes with boobies. Let’s take a look at some of the best athletes ever trained by numerous hams.

1. Kamala

Billed as the Ugandan Giant, Kamala’s real name was James Harris and he was from Mississippi, which is sometimes mistaken for Uganda by Kentuckians. Part of his gimmick included eating live chickens or, as you might expect, holding a chicken, waiting for the camera to cut away, then spitting feathers out. The idea of a giant African cannibal (or whatever the hell) who weighs around 400lbs is clearly awesome because this sentence can’t be ended in a logical fashion so here comes the period. On the bright side, James is still around and he writes music now, according to Wikipedia.

2. Yokozuna

Yokozuna is a real title for sumo wrestlers when they prove to be the most immovable of immovable objects. Because racial sensitivity is very high in the WWE’s list of proprieties, like Kamala, Yokozuna portrayed someone he wasn’t. In this case, he was a Samoan named Rodney pretending to be a Japanese sumo wrestler. All you really need is black hair, a giant diaper and a hell of a lot of body to fill that diaper and you qualify as honorary Japanese, it’s in their constitution. Anyway, Yokozuna is often credited as being the fattest wrestler ever, weighing in at around 600lbs. Do you know what else weighs 600lbs? 6 Keira Knightleys.

3. Mabel/Viscera/Big Daddy V

Look at that bosom. Holy crap. Big Daddy V, aka guy with a terrible name, has spent a lot of his wrestling career wearing parachutes and other billowy fabrics because he is pretty spherical, with the exception of those taters. Dude carries his weight poorly. He has gone in and out of the WWE under a number of different nicknames but pretty much the same cup size. His awesomeness was cemented, however, when he took up The World’s Biggest Love Machine gimmick and tried to do Trish Stratus, which is offputting yet somehow fantastic.

4. Earthquake John Tenta

Tenta had one of the best debuts in wrestling history. The camera kept “accidentally’ panning across this really huge guy in the audience during the broadcast, until the time came when Hulk Hogan, in a display of bravado inspired by his desire to forget he was married to a leather bound CHUD (I assume) asked for anyone at all in the audience to come sit on his back while he did push ups. Any volunteer at all. A little girl pointed to the innocent-looking fat guy on the end of the aisle. How could this go wrong or be staged? Long story short, Earthquake totally sat on Hulk Hogan, like a lot. Because when you’re that big, sitting is actually an offensive maneuver.

5. Rikishi Solafa Fatu

Sometimes known as Rikishi, he was a big Samoan dude. The only thing I know about the Samoan people, as a matter of fact, is that they breed wicked huge wrestlers. What you need to know about this particular wrestler is that his uniform, for quite a while, consisted of a thong up his ass that facilitated his very athletic signature move the “Stink Face.” Yeah, he just rubbed his giant ass on people’s faces.

6. Giant Haystacks

This one’s a bit of a classic but worth mentioning because there are few land animals in North America that are bigger than this man used to be. Giant Haystacks, another wrestler victimized by terribly terrible nicknames, looked like every Deliverance nightmare you ever had. He was nearly 7 feet tall, nearly 700lbs, bearded and used a rope as a belt. Fun Fact – dude didn’t need a belt. Rumor has it he ate 3lbs of bacon and a dozen eggs for breakfast every day. I tried that once and shit an oil slick for the next three days.

7. Happy Humphrey

Another blast from the past, Humphrey used to wrestle back when the world was all in black and white and men wore hats just because. And why was he so happy? Hard to say, he weighed 800lbs. Obviously I never saw this guy wrestle but I find it hard to believe he did more than simply exist in the ring. Word has it Humphrey was discovered on a farm and made his debut by wrestling a bear for half an hour. I appreciate how none of what I just said sounds even remotely real, but it’s still the story we’re supposed to believe. In his prime, it’s said he would eat 15 chickens in a single sitting.

8. King Kong Bundy

An icon and one-time guest star on Married with Children for no other reason than the word “Bundy”, King Kong Bundy was the fat guy when wrestling rose to prominence and a generation realized for the first time that a fat man in a unitard could be seen as more than a neighborhood sex offender.

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9. Tugboat

Also known as Typhoon, Tugboat also had a brief stint as The Shockmaster, known for being one of the awesomest gimmicks ever because it was unintentionally butchered by Tugboat when, during his debut, he tripped and fell on his ass. A fat guy falling down? Priceless.

10. Abdullah the Butcher

It’s said that Abdullah the Butcher was raised in the Sudan and was batshit insane and that’s almost true. He was raised in Windsor, Ontario and his real name is Larry. Windsor, for those who don’t know, is Detroit of Canada, so like Detroit of America, only with beaver traps and drunker hobos. With a skull full of grooves that may or may not have been surgically implemented, Abdullah is famous for being insanely hardcore and for having what has to be a pair of K cups. He also owns a BBQ in Atlanta. Tasty!

11. Bastion Booger

While none of these men are particularly attractive, Bastion Booger wins an award for looking like a Gorg from Fraggle Rock. Arguably if your name is Bastion Booger odds are your gimmick isn’t going to be that of a suave lady’s man, but damn, look at that guy. And his Barbarella-meets-seatbelts outfit wasn’t helping either. However, if not for Bastion Booger, where would Larry the Cable Guy be today?

12. The Big Show

Big Show suffers the same condition as the awesomest wrestler of all time, Andre the Giant, acromegaly, though he has had surgery to stop the condition from progressing any further. However, thanks to its effects, the man is pretty much a giant at over 7 feet tall and about 480lbs. The most notable moment of his career, however, involved a guest appearance on Conan O’Brien in which he, along with Tom Selleck, were scared into a pale-knuckled panic by elderly sex educator Sue Johansson as she strapped the Accommodator, a chin-mounted dildo, to her face, on live TV. Can a giant cry? Yes he can.