Twitter is for posers and attention whores?

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Well duh, what did you think it was for Mr. Gervais? Clearing an irrigation ditch?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Twitter. Since I started “tweeting” I’ve been a bit of an addict; sure, some days I’m a bit too busy, but by and large I’m always grabbing my phone from my pocket and writing a random tweet. There is an element of vanity to it though, that’s the nature of the beast. That’s okay though, and for the most part, I find people do randomly like to see what you’re up to, and more importantly I like to see what other people are doing too. Facebook, MySpace, and whatever else are all variations on that theme.

Is it cool for celebrities to “tweet” each other constantly to try and look like “the shit”, though? No, not really. I can side with Ricky on this one; it does give Twitter a bad name, even though in principle it’s a fantastic social networking tool. It’s very light, simple, and serves the job of letting you share those things that aren’t big enough to blog about easily, quickly, and most importantly, on the go.

Unfortunately, as with any good thing, as soon as the mass-media-whoring celebs figure out that it’s “hip and trendy” (which is usually around about the time the shark is in mid-flight) – it starts to become retarded. I’m kinda sad that Twitter is heading in this direction. Stephen Fry for example, one of Twitter’s early adopters, among other early noteable “twitterites”, are I believe shunning it now, although I’m not entirely sure if they’re just jumping off one bandwagon and onto another.

Ricky Gervais for example, although don’t get me wrong, he is hilarious, is a walking, talking, douchebag hypocrite. He’s the sort of person who’ll denounce celebrity culture, even write an entire sitcom, that is cleverly written, on the subject, while at the same time aiming for the same goal he makes a career out of deploring. If you really hated the “Big Brother” culture, why would you pay Channel 4 XYZ sum of money to get it to appear in your sitcom to get people talking about it?

If you hate people who use Twitter to get themselves in the Spotlight, why are you rambling about Twitter in the mainstream press? The same reason?

The only conclusion I can come to is the same one I’ve always come to, mainstream celebrities are retarded. But I’m not going to stop using Twitter just because they think it’s “cool”, or “uncool”, in the same way I won’t stop watching TV or listening to the radio.

That, and it’s just too addictive.

Retro Review: Geordie Racer

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

230px-Look_and_Read_Geordie_Racer_titleWelcome all to the Retro Review, the column that likes to take the past by the balls, pin it up against a British Rail lavatory door and give it a bloody good buggering. Today (or whatever day this was written), we’re looking at Geordie Racer, a BBC Look and See (educational programming) series, which involved Geordie’s (people from Newcastle-upon-Tyne), Pigeons, and strange noises, in no particular order.

The first thing to note about the TV series of Geordie Racer, is that it’s almost impossible to understand what any of the characters are bloody saying. Trying to decypher the random dialect of Geordie people is nearly impossible, so to save the embarassment of trying, we’ll just assume for the rest of this review that the programme is filmed in a forigen language, and subtitles are required to fully appreciate the plot.

Oh, and what a plot it is. Setting the scene of Geordie Racer, the townspeople are currently 50/50 split obsessed with one of two things, either, the Great North Run, or the Great Pigeon Race. Now the reason for this, I can odaniel_meadowsnly assume, is that half of Newcastle is stupid enough to run through the North of England, and the other half are stupid enough to try and get a pigeon to do it for them.

The main protagonist is named Spuggy Hilton, a name that has all sorts of dodgy connotations throughout the series, the many references to “Spuggy in his bird, like” – which is Geordie for “Kevin is with his pigeon” – well, the sexual inuendos speak for themselves really. Anyway, Spuggy is the only person in his family who takes an interest in the Pigeon race. The rest of his family are nutters obsessed with long distance marathon running, and the thought of “The Great North Run” is making them “spuggy” in their pants.

As a keen Pigeon fancier, Spuggy (or the Spugmiester as I shall now call him), manages to aquire a pigeon all of his own, named “Blue Flash” – one of the best birds in Newcastle. Then some random bitch called Janie turns up, and along with the Spugmiester witness a spate of local art robberies, (I know, it’s hard to figure out what the fuck is going on at this point). Just how Bonnie and Clyde here managed to witness several acts of people stealing paintings, and what that has to do with racing people OR pigeons, ugh, I don’t know anymore.

The fact they had to witness these people stealing paintings on THREE seperate occasions to cotton on to the fact they were stealing them speaks volumes.

So rather than call the police, like most sane people, they decide to go and spy on the crooks themselves, using their pigeon and other stupendously dangerous methods. This is such a good message to give out to kids, isn’t it? I really gave up trying to decypher the plot at this point so you’re just going to have to make up how this thing ends in your own head.

BUT WAIT, there was more to Geordie Racer than a bad television show. That’s right, there was GEORDIE RACER, THE GAME, FOR THE BBC MICROCOMPUTER.

The game was released on a 5 1/2 inch floppy disk, you know, the kind that actually flopped and took ten minutes to load, the video game version of Geordie Racer actually was kinda cool, but purely because it beat the endless handwriting and Italian lessions that my primary school forced upon us.

The BBC Microcomputer had the graphics of the old style Teletext, and this is pretty much what this game offers. After a very badly rendered title screen with one-bit rendition of the theme tune, players are treated to the main game, which consists of…. “Part 1″ and “Part 2″.

Comprehensive.

After selecting one of these, you can choose to go to a “Metro station”, which is funny, because Newcastle-upon-Tyne has no form of underground or overground tram system. It barely has bus routes. It’s also funny how this tram system conveniently has stations named “Home”, “Shoe Shop”, “Chemist”, “Bank”, etc. – I sure wish that the GMPTE would build me a tram system that only went to the places I went too!

After you visit the bank to get “£20″, the chemist to get “Foot Cream” and the “Shoe Shop” to get shoes, you can start the race. This involves answering questions, each one you get right progresses you 1 mile, each one you get wrong earns you a blister. Too many blisters and you’re out!

The questions are basically asking about things that happened in the TV show, so without watching it, you’re pretty stuffed to actually complete this game, and as such, I have now eaten the floppy disk.

Well, that was painful. Time to tally up.

Danny’s Retro Rating:

My predictions for 200910….

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

glados4hs9I’m going to struggle with this for the next three months or so now. Every year you’re conditioned to write the same four numbers in order for 12 whole months, every single e-mail, every document, every time you sign a bank book, and now all of a sudden, you have to go and put a whole different set of numbers.

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT DUMB IDEA?

Anyway, ALON-ZEE, as the late, great 10th Doctor used to say. Sad that really, he was a very good Doctor and a very sexy man indeed. If I was a woman or a gay I’d have him in a heartbeat. The new kid, though, not so good. I mean he might be a very fine doctor indeed but, having looked at this new trailer, the size of his jaw is just highlighted by that stupid bow tie.

Still, a new year, a new decade even, so it’s somthing new to get used to. Another new thing to get used to is the new trams in Manchester City Centre. They’re very funky and ride like a baby’s freshly talc’d bottom. Smooth as. It’s like Johnson’s Baby Oil on rails.

Anyway, new year, time for some predicitions;

Danny’s Predicted Historical Events in 2010

  • Manchester City might actually win something.
  • Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.
  • Woolworths will return to the high street.
  • Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.
  • Star Trek II will be properly announced.
  • Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.
  • Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.
  • President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
  • George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.
  • GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.
  • The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.
  • David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.
  • The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.
  • Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

Danny’s Predicted People who will die in 2010

  • Bruce Forsythe will die on live TV groping some 20 year old stunners breasts as he goes down.
  • Gordon Brown commits suicide after loosing to the Tories.
  • Fern Britton will die after being strung up by her ladyparts in some freak sex accident.
  • Bear Grills will do an “Irwin” and be killed by a woodpecker, or other seemingly innocent animal.
  • Yuji Naka will be flogged publically and killed if his input on Project Needlemouse results in lots of random unavoidable pits.
  • PC Doyle will die of fat.
  • Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.
  • Elvis will return from the grave, only to be instantly killed in a freak yaughting accident.
  • Kaz Hari of embarassment when, at E3 2010, he announces the price of the PlayStation 4.
  • Takeshi Kitano in the same freak yaughting accident.
  • Myself.

No prizes for guessing what THIS one’s about…

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

It’s been a long, painful, and difficult process. It’s involved days painstaking effort and troubling hardships. I’ve had to endure the worst pain and suffrustrationupsetfering you can imagine outside of a Barry Manilow concert.

I know, I know, dry your eyes, it’s tuff to hear. But the topic has to be discussed in a blog. I have to share the pain and help the heeling process. I have to write about this;

Terry Wogan has left Radio 2.

I know, I know, I feel the pain, I feel it fellow readers. The morning commute will never be the same again for millions of us up and down the British Isles. No more will the rambling Irish guy who does the Eurovision song contest tell us about the abusive letters he gets, the millions of dodgy old people who love him, and stories about ‘those two who are having an affair’, whatever they’re called.

I have to admit I never really understood a single word he was saying, anyway, but there you go.

Naw, honestly though, people are waiting to hear about the foot (because it’s a very funny subject?) and so, I suppose I had better write somthing about my foot.

Apparently the fact the Health & Safety bloke has broken his foot is very funny, especially to the workforce, who, in there hundreds (literally) stand outside their vans in the yard of a morn, and laugh at the safety guy who “wasn’t very safe, were ya’, lolol”, and whistling the tune to Tresure Island behind my back.

But whatever. Yeah, so, the crutches do not agree with my hands and my ample frame. I regret all those years I went back for seconds now. Back is starting to kill me. I’m bored ridged but there isn’t really many people to talk to (apart from the McDermott Cube of course when he isn’t KO’ed or GETTING DRUNK WHILE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK) – so, no, its not much fun at all actually.

Apparently WOE IS DANNY is bad for me though so, rather than go on about the negative aspects of the foot, lets talk about some of the positive aspects of the foot.

  1. Angela actually being nice to me for once. Naughty
  2. The laydays being sympathetic towards me. NaughtyNaughty
  3. Reruns of Top Gear on Dave. Richard Hammond. NaughtyNaughtyNaughty
  4. Sponge Cake. NaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughtyNaughty

So I guess it’s not all bad. Now over to Terry Wogan for his final thoughts;

WELL NOW THEN, my weiry listeners, you’re LISTENING TO the breakfast show, here on, RADIO TWO.