Is this iPod charging? I don't even know.

Since I’ve been temporarily banned from FileFront by n0e, due to my outlandish misdemeanors, I might as well write a blog, something I’ve yet again neglected to do for some time.

Ah, where to start, it’s been a funny old week. I think the most random event was the tram derailment, which suffice to say was “interesting” – never before have I witnessed such awesome stupidity, it was, my friends, truly epic. If any of you have any budding aspirations to become a tram driver, I seriously reccomend reversing on spring loaded points and hitting a overhead stantion. It’s hilarious fun.

I could go into a full blown rant about this but, eh, I don’t think I care anymore. I just love the fact that millions of our pounds were spent on a pointless new branch line that runs 650 yards, adds 10 minutes to my journey, and results in derailments on the second day of opening. This must be that “better Metrolink” that was coming. I really enjoy having to derail, then take the 33 bus, over the old system.

Anyway, enough of that. I’m sure everyone was excitied to learn that the Sheepeep, Darkclone and I met up this past weekend like the internet nerds we are for Mr. Clone’s epic birthday party doodar. There have been many frequently asked questions about this event so I thought I might summerise them here for the sake of nothing else to write about;

• We don’t call each other our usernames in real life.
• Sheep really does have pointlesly long yet awesome hair.
• I really do have none.
• Darkclone also has hair. Infact I’m quite bitter about the hair. I WANT HAIR.
• I get on with Sheep about as well in real life as I do on “the interweb” – in other words, not at all. =P
• PRECIOUS EGG-O-MATIC HOVERCRAFT
• It was a good lulz.
• Yes, every reader of this blog was together the same time, except McDermott Cube.

Finally, I need some answers on a postcard. I actually went to the trouble of purchasng an iPod some time ago (second hand, of course) and now I can’t seem to charge it. I think it’s been charging off USB for the past 3 hours but it still won’t turn on. What the hell do I do with it? I want to listen to choonz in the office. We have an iPod dock, you know. We’re a cool section.

For the record, this does not indicate any affiliation to Steve Jobs or his faulty products, I merely purchased it as a favour to someone. The fact I can’t get it working should speak volumes about it.

FOR THE CAUSE XXX

~Danny

Now you're just being silly.

I’m a massive patriot of England, and the United Kingdom, and all this nation has achieved throughout history. It makes me smile therefore, when I see the great flag of this nation hang from every window, fly from every rooftop, and hang from the back of every car.

But even I have to admit that, in the rush to cash in on this world cup, it’s all starting to get a little bit silly.

I was walking home the other day when I noticed a B&Q truck unloading various items into, unsurprisingly, the B&Q warehouse. Picture this, B&Q are now doing a range of England themed wheelbarrows. I mean really, wheelbarrows. Why the fuck does anybody need a wheelbarrow painted like the England flag?

If you thought that was bad though, check this bad boy out (pictured). Yup, B&Q’s very own range of England garden gnomes. Have you ever, EVER seen anything quite as shocking as that before in your life? They’re not big and they’re not clever. The fact B&Q have released a press statement proclaiming the success of the gnome is rather worrying.

The worst thing however has to be the B&Q England Garden Gazebo. Spending  £40 on a world cup themed Gazebo is just outragous. What are you going too do with it after we loose, again? It’ll look silly in the garden, it won’t make any sense, it’ll stand out like a sore thumb, and it won’t be worth the effort it took to put the thing up or take it back down again because, knowing us, it’ll piss it down during all of our World Cup games.

The problem of course is that a lot of this stuff won’t be used again for the next four years, so not only has some random idiot bought any of these things, but in a few weeks time he’ll have to go back to B&Q to replace it, because otherwise he’ll look like a complete arse clown.

It would not surprise me, therefore, if B&Q are doing a whole range of England themed DIY tools and materials. Red and white “England” paint, wallpaper, powertools… If they’re mad enough to do it to a wheelbarrow, a gnome and a gazebo, it makes me fear what else I’ll find if I walk into Alan Titchmarsh’s World of Wonders. Infact I’d be quite surprised if they haven’t put an England shirt on that stupid cardboard cutout of him.

My predictions for 200910….

I’m going to struggle with this for the next three months or so now. Every year you’re conditioned to write the same four numbers in order for 12 whole months, every single e-mail, every document, every time you sign a bank book, and now all of a sudden, you have to go and put a whole different set of numbers.

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT DUMB IDEA?

Anyway, ALON-ZEE, as the late, great 10th Doctor used to say. Sad that really, he was a very good Doctor and a very sexy man indeed. If I was a woman or a gay I’d have him in a heartbeat. The new kid, though, not so good. I mean he might be a very fine doctor indeed but, having looked at this new trailer, the size of his jaw is just highlighted by that stupid bow tie.

Still, a new year, a new decade even, so it’s somthing new to get used to. Another new thing to get used to is the new trams in Manchester City Centre. They’re very funky and ride like a baby’s freshly talc’d bottom. Smooth as. It’s like Johnson’s Baby Oil on rails.

Anyway, new year, time for some predicitions;

Danny’s Predicted Historical Events in 2010

• Manchester City might actually win something.
• Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.
• Woolworths will return to the high street.
• Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.
• Star Trek II will be properly announced.
• Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.
• Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.
• President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
• George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.
• GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.
• The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.
• David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.
• The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.
• Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

Danny’s Predicted People who will die in 2010

• Bruce Forsythe will die on live TV groping some 20 year old stunners breasts as he goes down.
• Gordon Brown commits suicide after loosing to the Tories.
• Fern Britton will die after being strung up by her ladyparts in some freak sex accident.
• Bear Grills will do an “Irwin” and be killed by a woodpecker, or other seemingly innocent animal.
• Yuji Naka will be flogged publically and killed if his input on Project Needlemouse results in lots of random unavoidable pits.
• PC Doyle will die of fat.
• Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.
• Elvis will return from the grave, only to be instantly killed in a freak yaughting accident.
• Kaz Hari of embarassment when, at E3 2010, he announces the price of the PlayStation 4.
• Takeshi Kitano in the same freak yaughting accident.
• Myself.

No prizes for guessing what THIS one's about…

It’s been a long, painful, and difficult process. It’s involved days painstaking effort and troubling hardships. I’ve had to endure the worst pain and suffering you can imagine outside of a Barry Manilow concert.

I know, I know, dry your eyes, it’s tuff to hear. But the topic has to be discussed in a blog. I have to share the pain and help the heeling process. I have to write about this;

Terry Wogan has left Radio 2.

I know, I know, I feel the pain, I feel it fellow readers. The morning commute will never be the same again for millions of us up and down the British Isles. No more will the rambling Irish guy who does the Eurovision song contest tell us about the abusive letters he gets, the millions of dodgy old people who love him, and stories about ‘those two who are having an affair’, whatever they’re called.

I have to admit I never really understood a single word he was saying, anyway, but there you go.

Naw, honestly though, people are waiting to hear about the foot (because it’s a very funny subject?) and so, I suppose I had better write somthing about my foot.

Apparently the fact the Health & Safety bloke has broken his foot is very funny, especially to the workforce, who, in there hundreds (literally) stand outside their vans in the yard of a morn, and laugh at the safety guy who “wasn’t very safe, were ya’, lolol”, and whistling the tune to Tresure Island behind my back.

But whatever. Yeah, so, the crutches do not agree with my hands and my ample frame. I regret all those years I went back for seconds now. Back is starting to kill me. I’m bored ridged but there isn’t really many people to talk to (apart from the McDermott Cube of course when he isn’t KO’ed or GETTING DRUNK WHILE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK) – so, no, its not much fun at all actually.

Apparently WOE IS DANNY is bad for me though so, rather than go on about the negative aspects of the foot, lets talk about some of the positive aspects of the foot.

1. Angela actually being nice to me for once.
2. The laydays being sympathetic towards me.
3. Reruns of Top Gear on Dave. Richard Hammond.
4. Sponge Cake.

So I guess it’s not all bad. Now over to Terry Wogan for his final thoughts;

WELL NOW THEN, my weiry listeners, you’re LISTENING TO the breakfast show, here on, RADIO TWO.