But even I have to admit that, in the rush to cash in on this world cup, it’s all starting to get a little bit silly.

I was walking home the other day when I noticed a B&Q truck unloading various items into, unsurprisingly, the B&Q warehouse. Picture this, B&Q are now doing a range of England themed wheelbarrows. I mean really, wheelbarrows. Why the fuck does anybody need a wheelbarrow painted like the England flag?

If you thought that was bad though, check this bad boy out (pictured). Yup, B&Q’s very own range of England garden gnomes. Have you ever, EVER seen anything quite as shocking as that before in your life? They’re not big and they’re not clever. The fact B&Q have released a press statement proclaiming the success of the gnome is rather worrying.

The worst thing however has to be the B&Q England Garden Gazebo. Spending  £40 on a world cup themed Gazebo is just outragous. What are you going too do with it after we loose, again? It’ll look silly in the garden, it won’t make any sense, it’ll stand out like a sore thumb, and it won’t be worth the effort it took to put the thing up or take it back down again because, knowing us, it’ll piss it down during all of our World Cup games.

The problem of course is that a lot of this stuff won’t be used again for the next four years, so not only has some random idiot bought any of these things, but in a few weeks time he’ll have to go back to B&Q to replace it, because otherwise he’ll look like a complete arse clown.

It would not surprise me, therefore, if B&Q are doing a whole range of England themed DIY tools and materials. Red and white “England” paint, wallpaper, powertools… If they’re mad enough to do it to a wheelbarrow, a gnome and a gazebo, it makes me fear what else I’ll find if I walk into Alan Titchmarsh’s World of Wonders. Infact I’d be quite surprised if they haven’t put an England shirt on that stupid cardboard cutout of him.

Me, I’m somthing different. I am founding the NLCALP, the National Liberaly Consevative And Labourers Party. We’re the party who does what it says on the tin. We’re the Ronseal party. We’re the party that just say’s NO. I mean seriously, check us and our key policies;
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MEET MY CABINET

Christy McDermott, Chancellor of The Exchequer	The Ultimate Warrior, Minister For Transport	James Last, Minister Of Culture	Doctor Robotnik, Minister For Defence	Bobby Davro, Minister Of Agriculture	The Iron Sheik, Minister For Education

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Free Tea & Biscuits for the Elderly
Old people spend the majority of their time sat indoors eating custard creams, slurping tea and watching Countdown. Did you know that nearly £240,000,000 of state pensions are spent on tea and biscuits every year? This is a huge void that needs to be sealed. Our proposals are clear on this pivotal issue; Nationalise the biscuit and tea industries, and make tea and biscuits free for all people over 60. All biscuit and tea manufacturers will be amalgamated into two companies, British Biscuits and British Tea (Note: “British Telecom” will be renamed “British Phones” to avoid confusion. “British Petrolium” will become “British Stuff That Make My Vroom-Vroom Go!” in turn). All tea and biscuits will be excempt from tax, and all profits will go into the research and development of products, with a percentage returning to the national coffers. I will be provided with an unlimited supply of biscuits and tea.

The £9.99, £19.99 notes and 99p coin
It takes no dummy to realise the real cause of the economic crash; and that is people loosing their change. The economic upturn caused a surge in pricing down among retailers, resulting in various “99p”, “£9.99″ and “£19.99″ offers. The resulting wave of shrapnel entering the economy has been unprecidented, with nearly £240,000,000 of 1p coins being lost in shopping centre fountains every year. Millions more are lost to grids, the backs of sofas, and piggy-banks that are never opened. This money needs to be recirculated into the economy, and fast. These new denominations will prevent the wastage of change.

New National Bank Holidays
44 new bank holidays will be introduced, in addition to the curernt 8, making 52, to cover the various religous and historical events that should be celebrated in Britain. These will include; Man Day, Eating a Bionic Limb Day, Fish With Three Eyes Day, One Time Pad Day, Radio Manchester Day, My Lordz Day, Eating a Nappy Day, Woman Day, What’s That Boy? Day, Mug Day, Monday Monday Day, Good Lord is That The Time Day, Sunday 2.0 Day, Can’t Be Arsed To Day, Boy Day, Fire Me I Dare You Day, Not Getting Out Of Bed To Day, Girl Day, Chocolate Day, Cake Day, Biscuit Day, Toffee Day, Candy Day, Food Day, Burger Day, Hotdog Day, Bread Day, Brandie Tschauner Day, Carbon Fibre Day, Instant Gravy Day, Saussage Patte Day, McDonalds Straw Wrapper Day, Cracked Floor Tile Day, Traffic Cone Day, Plastic Bottle Day, Flonger Day, One Stop Knocking Shop Day, Protectatron Day, Baby Day, Rapture Day, Jim Ross Day, Fire Evacuation Drill Day, Tiling Grout Day, Sellophane Wrapper Day, and Inconspicuous Cloud Shapes Day.

Investment in Green Technology
White Goods will be renamed Green Goods in order to help create a greener technological landscape for Britain. All white goods will be green by the year 2014, a year that was arbitrarily picked by a “think tank” because it sounds close but far away simultaniously. All electrical goods and personal electronic devices will be green by the year 2016, which is a bit further but still, just the round the corner so, it’s real change, real quick, y’know?

Benefit Reduction Scheme
Benefit funding will be cut and several initiatives will be used to force the unemployed back into work. These include various pilot schemes, including, forced labour, slavoury, iron cuffing, mame and slaughter, and bycicle pump. Should these initatives prove sucsessful in their pilot regions, they will be rolled out on a national basis. Those who are “on the sick” or claiming incapasity benefits will be taken away, locked in giant warehouse, and plugged into a giant supercomputer, which will be used for mundane everyday tasks that you don’t need to concern yourself with.

Our Other Policies Include:

• Re-opening Jillys Rockworld
• Opening a Subway on every street corner.
• Mandatory playthough of all Sonic The Hedgehog games every year.
• Reduction on taxes for video games.
• AceyBongos from Xbox Live to be replaced with a robotic version of Sting.
• NHS to offer additional “services”.
• Mortgages to be written off and replaced with a complex bartering system involving Jaffa Cakes.

So forget the other parties, and vote for the NLCALP on May 8th. I mean 4th. Or is it the 6th? Yeah, 6th, better go with that one. AND MAKE BRITAIN, OURS AGAIN!

Sponsored by Doctors Assosiates, Inc.

The news that thousands upon thousands of a particular model, worldwide, can’t stop under certain circumstances is quite hilarious if it wasn’t so potentially dangerous. What ammuses me most about this, though, is the fact that this isn’t caused by a faulty brake disk, wire, cable or component – it’s a software error.

And the fix for this problem? Well, a firmware update, obviously.

A bug in computer software can be an annoyance. It might stop me from getting my spreadsheet into the boss on time, or stop me from getting to level 21 in a game, but for a software bug to stop me from being able to stop my car properly?

Of course, this particular firmware update requires the owner to return the car to the Toyota dealership. But what about the future, when people receive firmware updates to their car’s dash over the air?

Software controlling output on a screen is fine, but when it governs the physical interaction of the world, it needs to be right. Sure, things can fail mechanically, too, but traditionally, you need to be near someone’s car to cut their brake line.

The thought occurs that, one day, someone might find a way to send some kind of software modification to a model of car, and cause every single person’s brakes to fail simultaniously, or invert their steering or somesuch. And the idea that we might be closer to that day than we all think is frightning.

So next time you open a dodgy e-mail, look out for Pryus’ coming towards you. All might not be as it seems….

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the iPaper.

It’s a new, ultra-soft, lightweight toilet paper, that looks really pretty. It’s exactly the same as our larger rival’s silky-smooth bog-roll, you know, the one they released four years ago, except it looks a bit prettier. It also fits on less toilet roll holders than our competitors, and it’s kinda restricted to people with an arse the size of a cat’s, but don’t worry; the price tag won’t let you down!

The new iPaper retails for just $599USD, that’s nearly $598 more expensive than our nearest rival!

So, the new Apple iPad. I had the chance to see one of these things in the Apple store the other day, and I really had to restrain myself from kicking the nearest dog. Or Apple store regular.

For you see, the iPad isn’t a “new” or “revolutionary” idea either, folks. I appreciate that nobody who orgasms over these stupid things will listen to that, and they’ll just drink Steve Job’s kool-aid until it makes them giddy. Frankly they can do, there’s nothing wrong with the iPad as a product in theory. Infact, it’s very good. It’s stylish, functional, and it does the job it’s designed to do very well.

The problem is the fact that one, it’s mis-sold, and two, Applefans are going to find every Windows laptop owner in the land and wave their iPad in their face like a spack, not realising that Windows users have had tablets for years now.

As you can see, this Tablet PC here is exactly the same size as the Apple iPad. It’s about half the price of the iPad. And it actually runs a proper operating system, the full version of Windows, bells and whistles, rather than some limited iPhone interface derivative, that probably only exists so you can spend money on downloadables.

Oh, and it came out four years ago now.

I really want to know what this fucking revolution Captain Job’s is waffling on about actually is. I really don’t understand how you can just take existing technology, not even make it that much prettier than what’s already there (lets face it, the Tablet PC pictured is pretty sexy) – then just slap a stupendious price tag on it and watch the kids and middle aged people like Stephen Fry lap it up like Jelly Babies made from pure platinum.

Now, bets until one of these things sets someone on fire, anyone?

Let me explain. I’m sure we’re all no doubt aware by now of the awful events that have occured in Haiti. It’s a sad occurence and a real tragedy for anyone involved and their loved ones, and of course, a lot of people do want to help with whatever donations and aid they can provide.

Enter Bungie, who immediately sounded the Public Relations Alarm, and came up with this rather clever way to milk tragedy to increase their public image;  any gamers who play Halo 3 or Halo 3: ODST on Xbox Live any time on Wednesday or Thursday will need to wear a “special emblem signifying [their] commitment to the cause.”  That special emblem is a red heart that can be added to the user’s player by visiting the “Appearance” menu. Bungie will donate $100 to the Red Cross for every 1,000 gamers that participate. Gamers need only to play one game to qualify.

Bungie will keep donating cash to the Red Cross, up to a total of $77,000.

Sorry, but fuck that.  There are several problems with this that piss me off right now, and the first one of those is the cap. Just donate the $77,000. No, instead, they’re using the tragedy in Haiti to get people talking about Halo, and play the game, despite already knowing what they’re going to donate.  Just like any good marketing campaign, they have a budget.

Now I don’t mind this sort of thing when done properly. Microsoft for example donate a few pence for every IM sent and recieved that contains a certain special emoticon, the IM emote. This is fine, because they don’t cap what they’re donating, and it’s ongoing for a charity that is an established organisation, regularly taking dontains.

This is a personal tragedy for millions, and the aid is needed urgently. There should be no need for this PR crap. Donate the $77,000. Sure, tell people you’ve donated it, but don’t use this event as a excuse to generate cheap fucking PR. It really boils my blood. I just know for a fact some fucker in a suit has sat down and said “Hey, we can use this disaster to get more people playing and up our image!”

I don’t play Halo anyway, but I think I’ve decided not to start. If you really want to help the people of Haiti, visit Google’s page at http://www.google.co.uk/relief/haitiearthquake/ instead.

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT DUMB IDEA?

Anyway, ALON-ZEE, as the late, great 10th Doctor used to say. Sad that really, he was a very good Doctor and a very sexy man indeed. If I was a woman or a gay I’d have him in a heartbeat. The new kid, though, not so good. I mean he might be a very fine doctor indeed but, having looked at this new trailer, the size of his jaw is just highlighted by that stupid bow tie.

Still, a new year, a new decade even, so it’s somthing new to get used to. Another new thing to get used to is the new trams in Manchester City Centre. They’re very funky and ride like a baby’s freshly talc’d bottom. Smooth as. It’s like Johnson’s Baby Oil on rails.

Anyway, new year, time for some predicitions;

Danny’s Predicted Historical Events in 2010

• Manchester City might actually win something.
• Michael Jackson will return Tupac style and release a new album.
• Woolworths will return to the high street.
• Sonic The Hedgehog will return to his #1 spot as the king of all Video Game time.
• Star Trek II will be properly announced.
• Red Dwarf Series IX will air on Dave, over a decade since Series VIII aired. Rejoyce.
• Nothing at all will happen with the Afghanistan situation.
• President Obama will improve the lives of all working class Americans, and in return they’ll remove him from office.
• George Bush’s new son, Bushdroid, will take office.
• GLADoS returns to extract revenge, and ensure that she triumphs in huge success.
• The Conservative Party will return to power for the first time since 1997 and privatise the last remaning public services.
• David Cameron will stop riding his bicycle to work.
• The New Doctor Who will either Flop or Fly.
• Bioshock 2 for Xbox 360 will be made of epic win.

Danny’s Predicted People who will die in 2010

• Bruce Forsythe will die on live TV groping some 20 year old stunners breasts as he goes down.
• Gordon Brown commits suicide after loosing to the Tories.
• Fern Britton will die after being strung up by her ladyparts in some freak sex accident.
• Bear Grills will do an “Irwin” and be killed by a woodpecker, or other seemingly innocent animal.
• Yuji Naka will be flogged publically and killed if his input on Project Needlemouse results in lots of random unavoidable pits.
• PC Doyle will die of fat.
• Smithy from The Bill will be killed off in a freak handgliding accident.
• Elvis will return from the grave, only to be instantly killed in a freak yaughting accident.
• Kaz Hari of embarassment when, at E3 2010, he announces the price of the PlayStation 4.
• Takeshi Kitano in the same freak yaughting accident.
• Myself.

I know, I know, dry your eyes, it’s tuff to hear. But the topic has to be discussed in a blog. I have to share the pain and help the heeling process. I have to write about this;

Terry Wogan has left Radio 2.

I know, I know, I feel the pain, I feel it fellow readers. The morning commute will never be the same again for millions of us up and down the British Isles. No more will the rambling Irish guy who does the Eurovision song contest tell us about the abusive letters he gets, the millions of dodgy old people who love him, and stories about ‘those two who are having an affair’, whatever they’re called.

I have to admit I never really understood a single word he was saying, anyway, but there you go.

Naw, honestly though, people are waiting to hear about the foot (because it’s a very funny subject?) and so, I suppose I had better write somthing about my foot.

Apparently the fact the Health & Safety bloke has broken his foot is very funny, especially to the workforce, who, in there hundreds (literally) stand outside their vans in the yard of a morn, and laugh at the safety guy who “wasn’t very safe, were ya’, lolol”, and whistling the tune to Tresure Island behind my back.

But whatever. Yeah, so, the crutches do not agree with my hands and my ample frame. I regret all those years I went back for seconds now. Back is starting to kill me. I’m bored ridged but there isn’t really many people to talk to (apart from the McDermott Cube of course when he isn’t KO’ed or GETTING DRUNK WHILE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK) – so, no, its not much fun at all actually.

Apparently WOE IS DANNY is bad for me though so, rather than go on about the negative aspects of the foot, lets talk about some of the positive aspects of the foot.

1. Angela actually being nice to me for once.
2. The laydays being sympathetic towards me.
3. Reruns of Top Gear on Dave. Richard Hammond.
4. Sponge Cake.

So I guess it’s not all bad. Now over to Terry Wogan for his final thoughts;

WELL NOW THEN, my weiry listeners, you’re LISTENING TO the breakfast show, here on, RADIO TWO.

Nothing to do with this post, just thought I’d share that.

So, check this out. It’s the worlds smallest snow man, and, believe it or not, it’s 1/5th the width of a human hair.

There’s been a bit of a trend really towards making tiny tiny versions of things. The worlds smallest toy car, coin, match stick, and whatever else you care to think of, are all so small they’re beyond the naked eye. There’s even one company out there than can write your full name onto a single strand of hair.

Not entirely sure what the point is though. It’s a great advancement in technology, to be able to form snow at a microscopic level into such an intricate arrangement, but surely there are better things to be doing with the latest technology? What are these scientists doing?

“Shall we cure Cancer today?”
“I can’t, bit busy at the mo…”
“Why, what are you doing?”
“I’m seeing how long it takes a frog to assemble a flat-pack Ikea wardrobe.”

Still, nevermind.

While we’re on the subject, Bruce Forsythe is a randy old git isn’t he? Why is he always commenting on the girls on Strictly Come Dancing. “You could have stood at the top of the stairs doing this for my money!” while he grinds his hips. He’s eighty fucking five. 85. I wish I was that flexible NOW.

It’s surpsing how addictive this show can be actually. I don’t really like ballroom dancing or anything but it’s one of those shows you just get swept into.  That and it has a lot of pretty ladies waggling their assets around. I can see why Bruce made the career choice that he did.

Bring back the Generation Game I say. Now that was a fucking class show. Infact that needs to be Hall of Famed. There’s nothing more entertaining than watching people trying to make clay pots and ending up with something resembling a malformed scrotum.

And I’m quite short of it, but nevermind. It’s there to be spent right? Otherwise it just burns a hole in your pocket.

One more pay day before christmas, however, and as I get paid on the 15th, this gives me 10 days to do some panic christmas shopping. For those previously confused; there should be no shadow of a doubt by now that I am indeed a bloke with that statement, any bird would have had christmas shopping wrapped up in mid-July.

It’s funny stuff though, money. Take British Telecom, for example. They have loads of the stuff, but the only person in the whole of one particular village in Oxfordshire-Buckinghamshire to have the ability to recieve broadband just happens to be the Managing Director.

It’s too expensive to hook anyone else up, but Sir Michael Rake just happened to be 1cm closer to the exchange than everybody else and qualified. What a funny coincidence, huh? It certainly has nothing to do with the fact it’s unprofitable to hook everyone else in the village up, though.

Anyway, following on to today’s post’s money theme, I’m about to check the Bonus Ball number from this past saturday, to see if I’ve won the work draw. Exciting stuff people, this is live entertainment right ere’!

Okay, here I go, opening Google. Opening the website. Clicking on Lotto…….and…… fucking bastard. The bonus ball is 8, my first choice had it not been taken, as it’s my lucky number. I picked 18. Fuck fuck fuck. I really could use that £50.