Archive for the ‘News / Events’ Category
Now you’re just being silly.
I’m a massive patriot of England, and the United Kingdom, and all this nation has achieved throughout history. It makes me smile therefore, when I see the great flag of this nation hang from every window, fly from every rooftop, and hang from the back of every car.
But even I have to admit that, in the rush to cash in on this world cup, it’s all starting to get a little bit silly.
I was walking home the other day when I noticed a B&Q truck unloading various items into, unsurprisingly, the B&Q warehouse. Picture this, B&Q are now doing a range of England themed wheelbarrows. I mean really, wheelbarrows. Why the fuck does anybody need a wheelbarrow painted like the England flag?
If you thought that was bad though, check this bad boy out (pictured). Yup, B&Q’s very own range of England garden gnomes. Have you ever, EVER seen anything quite as shocking as that before in your life? They’re not big and they’re not clever. The fact B&Q have released a press statement proclaiming the success of the gnome is rather worrying.
The worst thing however has to be the B&Q England Garden Gazebo. Spending £40 on a world cup themed Gazebo is just outragous. What are you going too do with it after we loose, again? It’ll look silly in the garden, it won’t make any sense, it’ll stand out like a sore thumb, and it won’t be worth the effort it took to put the thing up or take it back down again because, knowing us, it’ll piss it down during all of our World Cup games.
The problem of course is that a lot of this stuff won’t be used again for the next four years, so not only has some random idiot bought any of these things, but in a few weeks time he’ll have to go back to B&Q to replace it, because otherwise he’ll look like a complete arse clown.
It would not surprise me, therefore, if B&Q are doing a whole range of England themed DIY tools and materials. Red and white “England” paint, wallpaper, powertools… If they’re mad enough to do it to a wheelbarrow, a gnome and a gazebo, it makes me fear what else I’ll find if I walk into Alan Titchmarsh’s World of Wonders. Infact I’d be quite surprised if they haven’t put an England shirt on that stupid cardboard cutout of him.
Vote for a King, Vote for the NLCALP!
A general election is looming, and the debate is heating up. Our three main political party leaders are battling it out on TV every week to win voters and grab the top spot, but ultimately, these parties will all fail our country, our economy, and our people. They’re all the same thing, with a different name and colour of tie.
Me, I’m somthing different. I am founding the NLCALP, the National Liberaly Consevative And Labourers Party. We’re the party who does what it says on the tin. We’re the Ronseal party. We’re the party that just say’s NO. I mean seriously, check us and our key policies;
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MEET MY CABINET
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Free Tea & Biscuits for the Elderly
Old people spend the majority of their time sat indoors eating custard creams, slurping tea and watching Countdown. Did you know that nearly £240,000,000 of state pensions are spent on tea and biscuits every year? This is a huge void that needs to be sealed. Our proposals are clear on this pivotal issue; Nationalise the biscuit and tea industries, and make tea and biscuits free for all people over 60. All biscuit and tea manufacturers will be amalgamated into two companies, British Biscuits and British Tea (Note: “British Telecom” will be renamed “British Phones” to avoid confusion. “British Petrolium” will become “British Stuff That Make My Vroom-Vroom Go!” in turn). All tea and biscuits will be excempt from tax, and all profits will go into the research and development of products, with a percentage returning to the national coffers. I will be provided with an unlimited supply of biscuits and tea.
The £9.99, £19.99 notes and 99p coin
It takes no dummy to realise the real cause of the economic crash; and that is people loosing their change. The economic upturn caused a surge in pricing down among retailers, resulting in various “99p”, “£9.99″ and “£19.99″ offers. The resulting wave of shrapnel entering the economy has been unprecidented, with nearly £240,000,000 of 1p coins being lost in shopping centre fountains every year. Millions more are lost to grids, the backs of sofas, and piggy-banks that are never opened. This money needs to be recirculated into the economy, and fast. These new denominations will prevent the wastage of change.
New National Bank Holidays
44 new bank holidays will be introduced, in addition to the curernt 8, making 52, to cover the various religous and 
historical events that should be celebrated in Britain. These will include; Man Day, Eating a Bionic Limb Day, Fish With Three Eyes Day, One Time Pad Day, Radio Manchester Day, My Lordz Day, Eating a Nappy Day, Woman Day, What’s That Boy? Day, Mug Day, Monday Monday Day, Good Lord is That The Time Day, Sunday 2.0 Day, Can’t Be Arsed To Day, Boy Day, Fire Me I Dare You Day, Not Getting Out Of Bed To Day, Girl Day, Chocolate Day, Cake Day, Biscuit Day, Toffee Day, Candy Day, Food Day, Burger Day, Hotdog Day, Bread Day, Brandie Tschauner Day, Carbon Fibre Day, Instant Gravy Day, Saussage Patte Day, McDonalds Straw Wrapper Day, Cracked Floor Tile Day, Traffic Cone Day, Plastic Bottle Day, Flonger Day, One Stop Knocking Shop Day, Protectatron Day, Baby Day, Rapture Day, Jim Ross Day, Fire Evacuation Drill Day, Tiling Grout Day, Sellophane Wrapper Day, and Inconspicuous Cloud Shapes Day.
Investment in Green Technology
White Goods will be renamed Green Goods in order to help create a greener technological landscape for Britain. All white goods will be green by the year 2014, a year that was arbitrarily picked by a “think tank” because it sounds close but far away simultaniously. All electrical goods and personal electronic devices will be green by the year 2016, which is a bit further but still, just the round the corner so, it’s real change, real quick, y’know?
Benefit Reduction Scheme
Benefit funding will be cut and several initiatives will be used to force the unemployed back into work. These include various pilot schemes, including, forced labour, slavoury, iron cuffing, mame and slaughter, and bycicle pump. Should these initatives prove sucsessful in their pilot regions, they will be rolled out on a national basis. Those who are “on the sick” or claiming incapasity benefits will be taken away, locked in giant warehouse, and plugged into a giant supercomputer, which will be used for mundane everyday tasks that you don’t need to concern yourself with.
Our Other Policies Include:
- Re-opening Jillys Rockworld
- Opening a Subway on every street corner.
- Mandatory playthough of all Sonic The Hedgehog games every year.
- Reduction on taxes for video games.
- AceyBongos from Xbox Live to be replaced with a robotic version of Sting.
- NHS to offer additional “services”.
- Mortgages to be written off and replaced with a complex bartering system involving Jaffa Cakes.
So forget the other parties, and vote for the NLCALP on May 8th. I mean 4th. Or is it the 6th? Yeah, 6th, better go with that one. AND MAKE BRITAIN, OURS AGAIN!
Sponsored by Doctors Assosiates, Inc.
Why a software crash might mean just that…
The so-called environmental wondercar of the world, the Toyota Pryus, seems to have caught so much momentum in recent years with soft liberal-types and people with more concern over their environmental image than their personal one, that it shows no sign of stopping. Literally.
The news that thousands upon thousands of a particular model, worldwide, can’t stop under certain circumstances is quite hilarious if it wasn’t so potentially dangerous. What ammuses me most about this, though, is the fact that this isn’t caused by a faulty brake disk, wire, cable or component – it’s a software error.
And the fix for this problem? Well, a firmware update, obviously.
A bug in computer software can be an annoyance. It might stop me from getting my spreadsheet into the boss on time, or stop me from getting to level 21 in a game, but for a software bug to stop me from being able to stop my car properly?
Of course, this particular firmware update requires the owner to return the car to the Toyota dealership. But what about the future, when people receive firmware updates to their car’s dash over the air?
Software controlling output on a screen is fine, but when it governs the physical interaction of the world, it needs to be right. Sure, things can fail mechanically, too, but traditionally, you need to be near someone’s car to cut their brake line.
The thought occurs that, one day, someone might find a way to send some kind of software modification to a model of car, and cause every single person’s brakes to fail simultaniously, or invert their steering or somesuch. And the idea that we might be closer to that day than we all think is frightning.
So next time you open a dodgy e-mail, look out for Pryus’ coming towards you. All might not be as it seems….
