The start of a revolution…

Today, ladies and gentlemen, is the start of a revolution in wiping your arse – for you see, my hip, trendy new company, Tangerine, has released it’s latest and greatest product today, and it’s going to turn the world of bottom cleaning upside-down.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the iPaper.

It’s a new, ultra-soft, lightweight toilet paper, that looks really pretty. It’s exactly the same as our larger rival’s silky-smooth bog-roll, you know, the one they released four years ago, except it looks a bit prettier. It also fits on less toilet roll holders than our competitors, and it’s kinda restricted to people with an arse the size of a cat’s, but don’t worry; the price tag won’t let you down!

The new iPaper retails for just $599USD, that’s nearly $598 more expensive than our nearest rival!

So, the new Apple iPad. I had the chance to see one of these things in the Apple store the other day, and I really had to restrain myself from kicking the nearest dog. Or Apple store regular.

For you see, the iPad isn’t a “new” or “revolutionary” idea either, folks. I appreciate that nobody who orgasms over these stupid things will listen to that, and they’ll just drink Steve Job’s kool-aid until it makes them giddy. Frankly they can do, there’s nothing wrong with the iPad as a product in theory. Infact, it’s very good. It’s stylish, functional, and it does the job it’s designed to do very well.

The problem is the fact that one, it’s mis-sold, and two, Applefans are going to find every Windows laptop owner in the land and wave their iPad in their face like a spack, not realising that Windows users have had tablets for years now.

As you can see, this Tablet PC here is exactly the same size as the Apple iPad. It’s about half the price of the iPad. And it actually runs a proper operating system, the full version of Windows, bells and whistles, rather than some limited iPhone interface derivative, that probably only exists so you can spend money on downloadables.

Oh, and it came out four years ago now.

I really want to know what this fucking revolution Captain Job’s is waffling on about actually is. I really don’t understand how you can just take existing technology, not even make it that much prettier than what’s already there (lets face it, the Tablet PC pictured is pretty sexy) – then just slap a stupendious price tag on it and watch the kids and middle aged people like Stephen Fry lap it up like Jelly Babies made from pure platinum.

Now, bets until one of these things sets someone on fire, anyone?

Twitter is for posers and attention whores?

Well duh, what did you think it was for Mr. Gervais? Clearing an irrigation ditch?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Twitter. Since I started “tweeting” I’ve been a bit of an addict; sure, some days I’m a bit too busy, but by and large I’m always grabbing my phone from my pocket and writing a random tweet. There is an element of vanity to it though, that’s the nature of the beast. That’s okay though, and for the most part, I find people do randomly like to see what you’re up to, and more importantly I like to see what other people are doing too. Facebook, MySpace, and whatever else are all variations on that theme.

Is it cool for celebrities to “tweet” each other constantly to try and look like “the shit”, though? No, not really. I can side with Ricky on this one; it does give Twitter a bad name, even though in principle it’s a fantastic social networking tool. It’s very light, simple, and serves the job of letting you share those things that aren’t big enough to blog about easily, quickly, and most importantly, on the go.

Unfortunately, as with any good thing, as soon as the mass-media-whoring celebs figure out that it’s “hip and trendy” (which is usually around about the time the shark is in mid-flight) – it starts to become retarded. I’m kinda sad that Twitter is heading in this direction. Stephen Fry for example, one of Twitter’s early adopters, among other early noteable “twitterites”, are I believe shunning it now, although I’m not entirely sure if they’re just jumping off one bandwagon and onto another.

Ricky Gervais for example, although don’t get me wrong, he is hilarious, is a walking, talking, douchebag hypocrite. He’s the sort of person who’ll denounce celebrity culture, even write an entire sitcom, that is cleverly written, on the subject, while at the same time aiming for the same goal he makes a career out of deploring. If you really hated the “Big Brother” culture, why would you pay Channel 4 XYZ sum of money to get it to appear in your sitcom to get people talking about it?

If you hate people who use Twitter to get themselves in the Spotlight, why are you rambling about Twitter in the mainstream press? The same reason?

The only conclusion I can come to is the same one I’ve always come to, mainstream celebrities are retarded. But I’m not going to stop using Twitter just because they think it’s “cool”, or “uncool”, in the same way I won’t stop watching TV or listening to the radio.

That, and it’s just too addictive.

Pardon my French, but fuck Bungie.

Yeah, that’s right.  I realise Halo 3: ODST is the hottest shit since last week at the moment in the gaming community, but I saw somthing on Inside Xbox yesterday that really made me want to punch whoever is in charge of Bungie’s PR department in the jaw.

Let me explain. I’m sure we’re all no doubt aware by now of the awful events that have occured in Haiti. It’s a sad occurence and a real tragedy for anyone involved and their loved ones, and of course, a lot of people do want to help with whatever donations and aid they can provide.

Enter Bungie, who immediately sounded the Public Relations Alarm, and came up with this rather clever way to milk tragedy to increase their public image;  any gamers who play Halo 3 or Halo 3: ODST on Xbox Live any time on Wednesday or Thursday will need to wear a “special emblem signifying [their] commitment to the cause.”  That special emblem is a red heart that can be added to the user’s player by visiting the “Appearance” menu. Bungie will donate $100 to the Red Cross for every 1,000 gamers that participate. Gamers need only to play one game to qualify.

Bungie will keep donating cash to the Red Cross, up to a total of $77,000.

Sorry, but fuck that.  There are several problems with this that piss me off right now, and the first one of those is the cap. Just donate the $77,000. No, instead, they’re using the tragedy in Haiti to get people talking about Halo, and play the game, despite already knowing what they’re going to donate.  Just like any good marketing campaign, they have a budget.

Now I don’t mind this sort of thing when done properly. Microsoft for example donate a few pence for every IM sent and recieved that contains a certain special emoticon, the IM emote. This is fine, because they don’t cap what they’re donating, and it’s ongoing for a charity that is an established organisation, regularly taking dontains.

This is a personal tragedy for millions, and the aid is needed urgently. There should be no need for this PR crap. Donate the $77,000. Sure, tell people you’ve donated it, but don’t use this event as a excuse to generate cheap fucking PR. It really boils my blood. I just know for a fact some fucker in a suit has sat down and said “Hey, we can use this disaster to get more people playing and up our image!”

I don’t play Halo anyway, but I think I’ve decided not to start. If you really want to help the people of Haiti, visit Google’s page at http://www.google.co.uk/relief/haitiearthquake/ instead.

Welcome to Blog Post #71 – Tumble Dryer Advice.

A typical first bus maneuver. Thankfully, this wasn't my bus.

Driver change at Cheetham Hill Tesco, and the guy who took the wheel was, to say the bare minimum, a “rum cunt”. My primary reason for this judgement was the fact he walked like he had one leg bigger than the other and swore about 10 times in the 11 word conversation the two drivers had before driving off to continue the service. 

He managed to get as far as North Manchester General Hospital, which for anyone who knows the area isn’t very far at all, when we slid out of control down a tiny hill into one of those square white and yellow bollard and lampost. The windscreen shattered and the front of the bus sorta fell apart. 

Not ammused. Unfortunately, this would be the one day that I forget my phone, so I couldn’t take any TwitPics. You’ll just have to look at all the pictures of trams or me & Angela eating Subways instead. 

Oh, one thing I will say for Worst, their recovery truck arrived quicker than the Police did. Oh, and I wasn’t injured, before anyone asks, even the dodgy foot survived without any extra damage! 

Anyway, tumble dryer advice. Always buy Tumble Dryers in the afternoon when your feet have expanded. 

PS. Trying to get a new look and stuff on here, might even change the domain again as I suffer from major personality issues…….