A 100% not stolen idea. Honest.

Edit: Apparently I should explain the reason for this frankly disturbing monologue. I’ve just got hold of a copy of Adobe Premere Pro (was using Elements) – so I was just giving it a quick twirl. This came out of the other side. I’m sorry. =P

I'm claiming expenses for this blog post.

It costed me £7.32 in lost revenue, and I also had to travel to the computer, which means I had to claim £10,232 a month in allowances for a second home, to make the journey shorter.

Sound’s obsurd, dunnit? Well, as I’m sure you’re fully aware right now, the government of the Great Dictatorship of The United Queendom clearly don’t think so. Depressing really, isn’t it?

In order to make light of a bad situation, I have done a bit of digging around, and compiled the top 10 funniest things that our MP’s have claimed expenses for in the “allowancegate” scandle.

1. An MP claimed expenses for a packet of cookies, citing a need for something to eat during a train journey to parliament.
2. A claim was made for an ice-cube tray, for use in “medical emergencies”.
3. A claim was made for a £6,500 bill, paid to the MP’s brother, for half an hour’s “cleaning services”.
4. *Justice* Seceratary, Jack Straw, claimed housing tax expenses he never actually paid.
5. Olivery Letwin claimed £2,000 to install pipe heating under his tennis court.
6. An MP claimed £2,011 to have a moat installed around his estate. He’ll need it.
7. A claim was made for a professional piano tuner to, well, tune a piano.
8. One MP claimed over £5,000 in garden plant seeds.
9. Expenses where claimed for a second home that was being rented out.
10. And, of course, Jacqui Smith’s clearly statisfied husband made a claim for two pornographic movies.

I sure wish my employer would pay expenses like this. I need to join government!

I’m claiming expenses for this blog post.

It costed me £7.32 in lost revenue, and I also had to travel to the computer, which means I had to claim £10,232 a month in allowances for a second home, to make the journey shorter.

Sound’s obsurd, dunnit? Well, as I’m sure you’re fully aware right now, the government of the Great Dictatorship of The United Queendom clearly don’t think so. Depressing really, isn’t it?

In order to make light of a bad situation, I have done a bit of digging around, and compiled the top 10 funniest things that our MP’s have claimed expenses for in the “allowancegate” scandle.

1. An MP claimed expenses for a packet of cookies, citing a need for something to eat during a train journey to parliament.
2. A claim was made for an ice-cube tray, for use in “medical emergencies”.
3. A claim was made for a £6,500 bill, paid to the MP’s brother, for half an hour’s “cleaning services”.
4. *Justice* Seceratary, Jack Straw, claimed housing tax expenses he never actually paid.
5. Olivery Letwin claimed £2,000 to install pipe heating under his tennis court.
6. An MP claimed £2,011 to have a moat installed around his estate. He’ll need it.
7. A claim was made for a professional piano tuner to, well, tune a piano.
8. One MP claimed over £5,000 in garden plant seeds.
9. Expenses where claimed for a second home that was being rented out.
10. And, of course, Jacqui Smith’s clearly statisfied husband made a claim for two pornographic movies.

I sure wish my employer would pay expenses like this. I need to join government!

Star Trek: The Review

Before we begin, I must first issue an apology for the photograph that was in the banner when I renamed the site to dannyking.co.uk – apparently it was fucking frightning. I issue a formal apology and have changed it to something that does not make me look like a 50 year old mental patient. Look, the shades are back! It is nearly summer after all.

Now, on to business. Star Trek, the new motion picture by JJ Abrams.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when going to see this new Trek outing. I remember hearing the leaks several years ago and remember cringing in horror at some of the things that I kept hearing. A new Kirk? Set in the past? Oh dear, I thought. It seemed about as bad an idea as putting the lead star of Quantum Leap into the captain’s chair, and yes, they actually did do that, although you might not be aware because nobody watched it.

Still, I went in with an open mind. I said to myself, “If this film isn’t so good as to cure at least two types of Cancer, I’ll leave with closed fists”.

The film starts off with some traditional Trek battle action, showing the origins of Kirk, as in, literally popping out of the womb.  Kirk Senior, taking command of a Starship under attack from crazy Romulan and main protagonist Nero, commits pointless suciide, sending Miss’ Kirk and Baby Kirk off in the medical shuttle. During Daddy Kirk’s final moments, they settle on naming him “Jim”. Plonker.

Anyway, the scene was great, and Star Trek is littered with fantastic scenes that show those moments and characters you always wanted to see. Kirk, for example, takes the Kobiashi Maru test, as referenced in an earlier Trek film, which frankly was hilarious.

The film is littered with great moments of nostalga and back-refrencing, done in a subtle and charming way, while at the same time rebooting the franchise in a clever and unique style that I haven’t seen before. To say that anyone else planning to reboot their franchise should take pointers from Star Trek would be something of an understatement.

This film also contained all the characters we love re-rendered by a fresh, young cast who, frankly, did such a good job of portraying their respective roles I had no difficulty at all investing my emotion into them. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy where all frightningly on target. There is a scene where Spock and McCoy share one of their philosophical moral arguments, which was done so well and so accurately that I actually thought I was seeing Nimoy and DeForest Kelly for a moment. The feeling of giddy warmth was unreal. I did have to slap myself after the film to remember that these where new actors. Infact the whole issue never crossed my mind at all during the whole film.

This film was presented in such a way as to be genuinely accessable to anybody, unlike Nemesis which claimed to be as such, but turned out to be Picard and Data confusing everybody with bad jokes and posatronic nural nets. The film contained little to no techno-babble, and actual, funny scenes where littered throughout. The whole cinema roared out with laughter on numorous occasions. The other surprising thing was the audience that turned up. 40+ Star Trek geeks with comic book fixations where noplace to be found. Infact the whole three rows behind me was filled with young, rather fit birds actually, among other characters who where no doubt new to the franchise, and I believe they left with smiles on their faces. This is a good thing.

This film, then, is the reboot Star Trek has been desperate for since The Next Generation ended. Deep Space Nine was a storyteller’s dream, and is severely underated, but was never going to be mainstream. Voyager spent too much time trying to fight the Borg or Time Travel with seriously bland storylines and Jeri Ryan flashing her tits around with the acting tallent of a broomstick. Enterprise spoke for itself. More Borg and time travel, only this time with the entire cast as broomsticks and in a setting that made no sense.

A fresh take on the classic franchise that goes back to it’s roots. All the cliches are in there, from Dammit Jim, I’m a Doctor, Not a Physasist to the ever hilarious accent of Checkov, trying to get the computer to log him in due to the fact it can’t recognise his password past the thick Russian accent. There’s also the obligatory death of the red shirt, which was so hilariously blatant that it had me in fits of laughter.

I can level one or two minor critisms, however, but these should be taken as minor nitpicks over an overall fantastic film. Firstly was the blatent product placement that made no sense to the continuity and would have Gene Roddenberry spinning in his grave. Kirk has a Nokia, with the Nokia ringtone. Make sense? Considering currency is supposed to be non-existant in the 23rd century, no, not really. The issue occurs again near the start of the film where Kirk walks into a diner (…) and promptly orders a pint of Budwiser. Somehow, I don’t think we’ll still be drinking Bud and talking on Nokia 9910′s in 300 years time, but whatever.

Uhura was a character I disliked. She basically played a whore who got off with Spock (wtf?) and played no other useful role whatsoever. Rather a shy away from the origonal Uhura, who was seen as a strong female that liberated a generation of Afro-American women, rather than a random crack-whore shoe-horned in for some pussy value.

There was also the forklift truck, but I don’t need to hammer home these things, do I?

In summary, this was a fantastic film that made me giggle like a schoolgirl, and I strongly reccomend it to everbody.  I shall give this movie a 1.7 cancer’s cured rating.