Archive for May, 2009
MCC's Super Big Fun Community Family Day
As I am 40% owned by Manchester City Council, I can bring you exclusive news that, following Salford Council’s huge sucsess with “Swinton Fun Day”, Manchester are to have a fun day event of their own.
So, without further ado, here are the activities that MCC have asked me to check over, so let me know what you think…..
Cheetham Hill Soapbox Derby
The first event planned is the Cheetham Hill Soapbox Derby. Children and teenagers from around the region will be encouraged to take old shopping trollies and other household materials for a RACE down Cheetham Hill Road. With Moshiach being the special guest checkered flag waver (subject to the second coming) – the children will race down, past the new Eco-Freindly Tesco, avoiding bendy-buses as they go. The finishing line will be just past Crumpsall Tramstop, next to the brothel and burger van. White children will start two grids in front of the local children, due to fai
rness in unfamiliarity of the area. The race will start at 10:30am.
The Manchester Wheel of Fortune
The council plan to turn the Manchester “Eye” or “Wheel” into a giant Wheel of Fortune, which will be hosted by Bradley Walsh (John Leslie refused to participate). Contestants will be put into a capsule and span round at 10x the rated maximum RPM, thanks to an old motor we aquired from some travelling traders. Wherever the capsule the person is in lands, will determine the prize.
The Great Urbis Slip-slide
Gee, remember when they built Urbis, and everyone thought it was a Ski-slope? Well, fear not, for you CAN now slide down it in this one off event! Water will rush down the slant of Urbis, throwing people off the edge into a giant crash mat propped up against Victoria Station.
The Ardwick Nature Trail
Regular tours of the back streets of Ardwick will be provided by certified tour guides. See the business operating under the railway arches, and see hookers in action, and even get a peice of the action for yourself! As you pass the PC world, a tour to see the slowly demolished B-Of-The-Bang will follow. Ages 10+.
The Village Fate
The Village will play host to a special market, selling all kinds of “rainbow” merchendise, including, but not limited to, rubber fists, flavoured lubrication, and a drop-in centre.
Piccadilly Gardeners World
Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock will be on hand at Piccadilly Gardens to offer free live gardening shows, with the oppertunity to get stuck in! Watch as Alan shows Dimmock just how pretty his Prince Albert (the memorial) can look.
Exciting stuff, huh! I hope to see you there, on the 24th of Octember.
MCC’s Super Big Fun Community Family Day
As I am 40% owned by Manchester City Council, I can bring you exclusive news that, following Salford Council’s huge sucsess with “Swinton Fun Day”, Manchester are to have a fun day event of their own.
So, without further ado, here are the activities that MCC have asked me to check over, so let me know what you think…..
Cheetham Hill Soapbox Derby
The first event planned is the Cheetham Hill Soapbox Derby. Children and teenagers from around the region will be encouraged to take old shopping trollies and other household materials for a RACE down Cheetham Hill Road. With Moshiach being the special guest checkered flag waver (subject to the second coming) – the children will race down, past the new Eco-Freindly Tesco, avoiding bendy-buses as they go. The finishing line will be just past Crumpsall Tramstop, next to the brothel and burger van. White children will start two grids in front of the local children, due to fairness in unfamiliarity of the area. The race will start at 10:30am.
The Manchester Wheel of Fortune
The council plan to turn the Manchester “Eye” or “Wheel” into a giant Wheel of Fortune, which will be hosted by Bradley Walsh (John Leslie refused to participate). Contestants will be put into a capsule and span round at 10x the rated maximum RPM, thanks to an old motor we aquired from some travelling traders. Wherever the capsule the person is in lands, will determine the prize.
The Great Urbis Slip-slide
Gee, remember when they built Urbis, and everyone thought it was a Ski-slope? Well, fear not, for you CAN now slide down it in this one off event! Water will rush down the slant of Urbis, throwing people off the edge into a giant crash mat propped up against Victoria Station.
The Ardwick Nature Trail
Regular tours of the back streets of Ardwick will be provided by certified tour guides. See the business operating under the railway arches, and see hookers in action, and even get a peice of the action for yourself! As you pass the PC world, a tour to see the slowly demolished B-Of-The-Bang will follow. Ages 10+.
The Village Fate
The Village will play host to a special market, selling all kinds of “rainbow” merchendise, including, but not limited to, rubber fists, flavoured lubrication, and a drop-in centre.
Piccadilly Gardeners World
Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock will be on hand at Piccadilly Gardens to offer free live gardening shows, with the oppertunity to get stuck in! Watch as Alan shows Dimmock just how pretty his Prince Albert (the memorial) can look.
Exciting stuff, huh! I hope to see you there, on the 24th of Octember.
Yes, I am writing an Apprentice Post!
I have been promising various semi-frequent posters here (….the fact there are semi-frequent posters is still astonishing) a blog post about Sir Alan Sugar’s hit TV series, The Apprentice. I’ve tried to avoid the subject to be honest, because it’s such a cleché that everyone writes about, but demand is high and creativity is low at the moment.
One thing I have noticed is just how few men have made it to the final few this year. At the moment, there are 4 women to 2 men, which is pretty amazing really. It’ll be interesting to see who’ll go tonight, because frankly, I don’t see Howard getting very much further. He’s not really done much to make himself stand out so far, and he’s certainly the weakest of the lot.
That said, I see James making it to the final. Why? I think Sir Alan see’s something in him. If I had to put money on it, it would be a Kate / James finish, but of course, Yasmina and Debra are just as strong, assuming Debra does not run into trouble with her mouth.
Lorraine, on the other hand, much like that madwoman with the funny colour hats last year, is a complete and total nutter. I don’t see her getting to the final, purely because Sir Alan will have her taken away in a white overcoat before long.
So, tonight’s task then! Selling items on a shopping channel, which was my favourite task of a few seasons ago. I do look forward to it.
The missing link in human evolution? Right…
Today on Time Team, Tony Robinson and Phil, the guy with the dodgy Yorkshire accent and a feather in his straw hat, are going to dig up a load of mud, and……wait, holy shit, what’s this?
“Ere’, Tony, there’s some bones ere’”
And that, my freinds, is how the legacy of Charles Darwin was uncovered. Confused? Well, archeologists have uncovered a fossil (pictured right) which, they say, proves the theory of evolution, and more importantly, demonstrates where I got my opposable thumbs from.
Now I could be wrong, and I hate to insult the intelligence of our fine scientists, but that looks nothing like a man. Or an ape. Or even a humanoid. It’s a lemur. And to be honest I have to say I can’t even find where it’s opposable thumbs or fingernails are. It looks like it hasn’t been to the vet to be declawed recently.
Google are hailing this thing on their homepage as the greatest discovery since the electric lightbulb, and frankly it might be, but uh, I look at the thing and feel slightly underwhelmed to tell you the truth.
They’ve dubbed the little thing Ida, and apparently they can even tell what meal s/he had last (although, as most scientests will freely admit, they have no idea about the sex). Apples, leaves, and berrys. I wonder how they worked that one out?
I think they might have put “lemur” into Wikipedia myself.
