On This Day 22 Years Ago…
A fat little child was born in Hope Hospital’s maternal ward. Due to a strike at the time the fat little child was delivered in a complicated manner by a trainee asian midwife and his father, and after nearly dying there and then, he would go on to experience more near-death expereinces than anyone could care to count.
But I made it through such unusual circumstances and for that I have decided there must be a reason. So from this day forth my mission is to find my reason. Or somthing like that, anyway.
So to celebrate this momentus occasion, I’m going to look at my favourite threee awesome things that were born during the legendary year of 1988.
Red Dwarf…
The mining ship Red Dwarf, lost 3 million years into deep space, and was to become so popular that it won nearly 8 million viewers on BBC 2, a record held to this day. It’s recent comeback on Dave broke more ground, and earned the largest viewing share of any digital channel ever in the United Kingdom. But it all started 22 years ago….
Two writers by the names of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor had previously been writing for Canned Carrott, and had also been the main driving force behind Spitting Image for many years, writing the world-famous “chicken song”. They decided the time had come to collaborate on their own TV sitcom, and thus the concept of Red Dwarf was born.
Despite being rejected by nearly every TV company in the land, BBC Manchester decided to pick up the programme. And so two Mancunian writers, both of whom attended Eccles College like myself, in a Swinton pub I regularly drank in, wrote a series that was born in the same month, and aired in the same year as myself.
To say Red Dwarf and I have somthing of a close relationship is understatement. The fact is I fell in love with this show before I knew the facts of it’s production. Red Dwarf is to me one of the funniest programmes I’ve ever seen, and is as much an obsessive part of my life as railways, or subways, or anything else.
The British Rail Class 142…
My most beloved, quirky, odd little train oh how I adore you. But the final set built entered service on this day, 22 years ago. 142 096 entered service with British Rail. Built from British Leyland bus parts, and serving the Swinton line 
I live near to this very day, the unit is still in service with Nothern Rail, allocated to Newton Heath.
It’s basically a bus attached to a cattle truck. It has no bogies, so you feel the bounce of every little dip and curve in the track. The seats are 1980’s British Leyland bus seats, and the temperature is either “very hot” or “very cold”. But yet I am in love. They have such a nice look, make such a great noise, squeel when you thrash them round a bend…
Most importantly they’re fun. I’d rather travel on this than anything else running on the network today. It brings back nostalga, memories of family trips out and loitering around tracksides with Tom Appleby as a kid spotting trains. It was a fun time, full of childhood wonder that stays with me to this very day.
Star Trek: The Next Generation….
TNG came to our fine shores in 1988 to start a whole new world of exploration. The British Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise took a role that would not only redefine a franchise for decades to come, but the lives of millions of people around the world.
And the effect this show had on me is no less profound than anything else I care to mention. It taught me to think, realise that problems had solutions, and that people of all races and backgrounds could co-operate and live peacefully. It tought me morality, science, humor, creative thinking. It taught me everything that makes me what I am.
Before I discovered this show I was a rebel and a tearaway. I’ve gone well off the rails again since in many ways, but fundamentally my spirit of exploring my country, and hopefully now I have a bit of money, the world, came from Star Trek. Every time I do a kind act it comes down to what I learned from Star Trek. And everytime I do somthing evil I feel the need to throw myself in the Brig and throw things at that funky blue forcefeild.
Had I not discovered this show I don’t know what would have happened. But I know things would be different, and for that I’m forever greatful to Gene Roddenberry for the gift he gave us all.
The start of a revolution…
Today, ladies and gentlemen, is the start of a revolution in wiping your arse – for you see, my hip, trendy new company, Tangerine, has released it’s latest and greatest product today, and it’s going to turn the world of bottom cleaning upside-down.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the iPaper.
It’s a new, ultra-soft, lightweight toilet paper, that looks really pretty. It’s exactly the same as our larger rival’s silky-smooth bog-roll, you know, the one they released four years ago, except it looks a bit prettier. It also fits on less toilet roll holders than our competitors, and it’s kinda restricted to people with an arse the size of a cat’s, but don’t worry; the price tag won’t let you down!
The new iPaper retails for just $599USD, that’s nearly $598 more expensive than our nearest rival!
So, the new Apple iPad. I had the chance to see one of these things in the Apple store the other day, and I really had to restrain myself from kicking the nearest dog. Or Apple store regular.
For you see, the iPad isn’t a “new” or “revolutionary” idea either, folks. I appreciate that nobody who orgasms over these stupid things will listen to that, and they’ll just drink Steve Job’s kool-aid until it makes them giddy. Frankly they can do, there’s nothing wrong with the iPad as a product in theory. Infact, it’s very good. It’s stylish, functional, and it does the job it’s designed to do very well.
The problem is the fact that one, it’s mis-sold, and two, Applefans are going to find every Windows laptop owner in the land and wave their iPad in their face like a spack, not realising that Windows users have had tablets for years now.
As you can see, this Tablet PC here is exactly the same size as the Apple iPad. It’s about half the price of the iPad. And it actually runs a proper operating system, the full version of Windows, bells and whistles, rather than some limited iPhone interface derivative, that probably only exists so you can spend money on downloadables.
Oh, and it came out four years ago now.
I really want to know what this fucking revolution Captain Job’s is waffling on about actually is. I really don’t understand how you can just take existing technology, not even make it that much prettier than what’s already there (lets face it, the Tablet PC pictured is pretty sexy) – then just slap a stupendious price tag on it and watch the kids and middle aged people like Stephen Fry lap it up like Jelly Babies made from pure platinum.
Now, bets until one of these things sets someone on fire, anyone?
Twitter is for posers and attention whores?
Well duh, what did you think it was for Mr. Gervais? Clearing an irrigation ditch?
Don’t get me wrong, I love Twitter. Since I started “tweeting” I’ve been a bit of an addict; sure, some days I’m a bit too busy, but by and large I’m always grabbing my phone from my pocket and writing a random tweet. There is an element of vanity to it though, that’s the nature of the beast. That’s okay though, and for the most part, I find people do randomly like to see what you’re up to, and more importantly I like to see what other people are doing too. Facebook, MySpace, and whatever else are all variations on that theme.
Is it cool for celebrities to “tweet” each other constantly to try and look like “the shit”, though? No, not really. I can side with Ricky on this one; it does give Twitter a bad name, even though in principle it’s a fantastic social networking tool. It’s very light, simple, and serves the job of letting you share those things that aren’t big enough to blog about easily, quickly, and most importantly, on the go.
Unfortunately, as with any good thing, as soon as the mass-media-whoring celebs figure out that it’s “hip and trendy” (which is usually around about the time the shark is in mid-flight) – it starts to become retarded. I’m kinda sad that Twitter is heading in this direction. Stephen Fry for example, one of Twitter’s early adopters, among other early noteable “twitterites”, are I believe shunning it now, although I’m not entirely sure if they’re just jumping off one bandwagon and onto another.
Ricky Gervais for example, although don’t get me wrong, he is hilarious, is a walking, talking, douchebag hypocrite. He’s the sort of person who’ll denounce celebrity culture, even write an entire sitcom, that is cleverly written, on the subject, while at the same time aiming for the same goal he makes a career out of deploring. If you really hated the “Big Brother” culture, why would you pay Channel 4 XYZ sum of money to get it to appear in your sitcom to get people talking about it?
If you hate people who use Twitter to get themselves in the Spotlight, why are you rambling about Twitter in the mainstream press? The same reason?
The only conclusion I can come to is the same one I’ve always come to, mainstream celebrities are retarded. But I’m not going to stop using Twitter just because they think it’s “cool”, or “uncool”, in the same way I won’t stop watching TV or listening to the radio.
That, and it’s just too addictive.
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